Life has it bad days but that's what bring us to the good days.

"Are you sure? One of us will get hurt." When you asked this, I immediately know I was damn sure for you.

Hello readers. It's been a while since I wrote something here. Blogger used to be my safe space to journal everything and anything. I have not been active because I found other coping mechanism for those 'everything and anything'. I journal on an actual book, I have two of them by now, I also have a reliable support system and getting professional help for my previous situation (the diagnosis). Proudly announcing that I am so much better at where I am now; mentally and physically. Well, physically is quite 50-50 because I just recovered from UTI. Yeah, what a 2022! It's such a hella year for me for visiting the hospital more than previous year - shit, that's shows a lot of my age geez. 

There are tons to update here but I am just going to be direct and hmm probably bare and unapologetic as well. I have been enjoying living my life as the main character for the past 12 months and damn, it felt so good bringing out that person inside me; little by little exploring the world and also discovering many parts of myself. I had this privilege to explore this main character of me because of the nature of my current new job. Yes, I am on my second career! The decision that I never thought I would ever take on pandemic years. But yay, I made it and landed to a more challenging and mind-stretching career, in a good and nurturing way of course. I don't really like talking about my work but I could share it on a surface level. It involved me to engaged with people and situations that are beyond my comfort zones, I mean beyond is like way out from the usual non-profit work. I will not deny some days and nights felt like it is taking so much of my mental headspace. I even had a few attempts to leave but I kept holding on to it because life is full of surprises. From "I can't do/take this anymore" to "I finally did it" and so many more small wins, growths and resiliency has built up inside of me, I could never be so proud of myself for progressing this far. Of course there were trials and errors but my support systems were always there. I even stick to my therapist and made a consistent journal routine. Plus, I never thought I would say this but the healthy and positive-nurturing-vibe algorithm in TikTok kept me going. Thank you Internet! What's more interesting about my job is that I am all by myself where I get to learn how to make immediate decision and critical-thinking to represent my organisation in the state. I do have my colleagues but they are all in different states. Again, Internet help us to connect and maintain the teamwork virtually. 

You could probably guess where this is heading - being on my own most of the time made me felt more daring to pull out that main character in me. What I am referring on the main character here is the person in me that has been layered with trauma, insecurity and others factors that kept her hidden within. It wasn't easy to liberate that side of me but it took me one step at a time. It was terrifying at first but as I realised that people are more self-centered compare to what I think they might think of me/others - trust me bestie, no one cares more than you care about yourself, might just as well do whatever you want in your life. So that's how I got my mouse-moment and outfit check video content started. I even brace myself sharing bits of my mental health routine and best practices openly to my small circle. I hope I get the courage to share it to bigger crowd. What kept me going for making these videos are how I am reminded that I am genuinely happy at that exact moment and carefree. I enjoy seeing myself being the happiest. It's such a beautiful and calming feeling looking at how far I have gone through to get this far which kept me grounded and keep going. 

Of course the past 12 months were not always rainbows and sunshine, I also went through stormy rain and drowned myself few times into the ocean. My worst anxiety attack was in 2021 which got me into a car accident. I never felt so woke after the incident. Anyway, I am still struggling on the same thing that I have been writing here; that pitch-black emptiness. I still long for a connection that fills the void in me. But it is much cope-able now, I try to fill it with self-assurance and lots of gentle and slow love. I know it sound cliche but at the end of the day, you only have yourself. That's how I have been coping day and night. I am trying my best not to overthink about it because damn, overthinking is my worst enemy. This is something that my therapist and I could talk for hours which always maximized her professional therapy duration. 

That longing for connection has been challenged lately, like super challenged when I put myself out there - I can't believe I am writing it here but I started actively going out to dates. It was the most uncomfortable thing I ever did in my life, second to my current job. I didn't do it because of peer pressure or anything but there was this moment of ah-hah! in one of my flight home, where I just realised I may want to do something with all this overwhelming love in me. I have it so much for myself and I realised maybe it is time to share it with others (only to know not everyone deserved this!). Yes, I have lots of interesting dates and just mehh ones, but that's just trial and errors that I will laugh at in the future (which I already am). 

Along this journey, I made a friend that I grow very fondly in a very unrealistic way. I never see myself the way I am now after crossing path with this person. I realised I had to take a lot of courage and even risk to let someone be part of my life. For example, I am not sure what I am doing with this one and what's worst is that I don't even have any idea where we are heading. To be honest, I suffocated quite a while to figure myself where I am going with this person that I just couldn't understand why did I even took the risk in the first place. For someone who experienced so much of pain from situationships in the past, I really couldn't handle for another one that I know I will only get hurt without a fucking closure. My mind is telling me that I deserve more than just another uncertainty but my heart simply told me to take a risk for this person. 

When he said "Are you sure? One of us will get hurt" and by the time I heard this line that rhythm exactly what's in my heart, for once in my life, I immediately know I was damn sure to take that risk. Now this person made felt so easy to just co-exist with him. I don't even need to pour my heart all out for you and you always remind me to prioritize myself more. Being this uncertain never felt so certain, I never felt this way before - where something that doesn't gives you clarity but you just can't get enough from the person. Maybe the risk can come after this but for now I just want to go with the flow. 

It is so easy for me to take a step back from this but I choose to stay. For once in my life, I want to be selfish but I am not sure if this is even a selfish action because for what I know now is that I want you to feel whole and content for yourself. I always see the potential of others but as I unlearn that toxic trait, I see how big your heart is for the people around you and that's what I adore about you the most. You have a big heart and that what's kept me feeling warm next to you and I want it to stay that way. 

Honestly I don't even know where I am heading with this entry but all I know is that I'm at the state of loving and living life unapologetically and bare, just the way my heart wants it to be. I am glad I decided to write something tonight, this really helps to make some space in my head. I know I have my people and physical journal but it just nice to be back here. I wanna keep this blog alive as I go through life. Also, I have travelled quite more than I expected. I am very happy for this small and big wins. I really am - truly beyond grateful for what I made myself do. I didn't hold anything in life and I strive to do more in the coming days, months and years. And I hope you are doing the best for yourself too! 

Cheers to living unapologetic life - together!

"Who do you see yourself?"

 This question got me at blank state. Few weeks ago, I was able to nail this question. One of the interviewee gave me amazing feedback "It's really great to talk with you - you're precise and determine. You came well-prepared". It got me really high made me living the best version of myself - so I thought. 

A friend asked me the same question at my depressive episode, I can't even think of anything but my mental illness. Funny how I thought I have finally accepted who I am yet there's nothing I could think of but the blockages I have been dealing with for the past few days. I felt unworthy, I don't feel belonged to the ground that I am standing up. The reality is that I cannot even face myself as I am. I let myself drowning, hoping that someone will jump in the water and pull me out. For many years in teenage life and young adult, I have been praying for someone to come and save me. Fuck I am so vulnerable writing this. To be honest, I can only write this piece when I am depressed or anything that puts me at the scale of one. Maybe this is why I have been avoiding writing - I write nothing but my vulnerability. 

Years and years I thought I am just a girl who long for genuine love from another person, but I never even try to love myself. It's always a love-hate battle for me. I do not even dare to look inside of me - I may or may not move on from my childhood trauma but I am still unable to accept that it cause me to be this person. A person who can't feel love yet been giving so much love for others and still hurts those who matter the most. I have anger management issues and this shit has been happening a lot at home where I will throw my tantrum to my parents. What an ungrateful child, my parents had to deal a lot with my depressive episodes. They have been covering me up from external shit, get things done for me and I still throw my shit at them. I love my parents so much and especially at their age - they shouldn't be dealing with my BPD episodes. 

Back in July, I was diagnosed with hypomania, bipolar II and borderline personality disorder. Not a single day I try to deny that these are not me. Everything went worst and I thought of ending my life. My suicidal ideation drastically went up and faking an accident doesn't seem so hard especially when giant trucks are always around your neighborhood. Yet I battled the ideation every fucking day because I know my mother couldn't handle it and my father will never be the same person if he knew it was suicide-accident. They were my source of strength everyday and I pray to God I will always love you as much as they kept being strong for me. I praying everyday that I can show my love and not throwing such fuckery to them. If I was able to go through the day without throwing my shit over them, damn that's a huge success for me. Small win yet it count.

Everyday I am living to proof myself that I can do this, I can do more than just living. I am trying and progressing. I trust myself more than ever. Eventhough my BPD is still on-going, I trust myself that I will make the most out of it even without medication (took once but it had side effect to me). I also suspecting that I have eyes problem - I need to check but knowing the possibility for me to have glaucoma scares me to death. I know I am avoiding but I pulling my shit as much as I can. 

I believe I am a fighter that living her reality and trust every bits of myself that I am capable and loveable. Yes, this is who I see myself. I trust the little fighter in me, everyday and every moment. 

I am a fighter of the reality.

"You're mad but you're more than that"

I want to leave a message to the people visiting my blog today or whatever day it is...

Before you scroll further, know that every writings were the emotions and feelings that were long hidden in my heart and mind. Some entries were written at my best and I bet you could tell that most of them were from my depressive episodes which both, I was not even aware of. 

Everything are going surface now. Everything are happening too fast that I can't even remember when was the last time I was consciously breathing. Every breath and sight feels so real now. All emotions and feelings went fucking real so fast. What do I meant by real and fast? I am referring everything that are happening around me feels so fucking real and it give me new level of self-awareness.

My manic and depressive episodes never felt this valid before. Yes, fuck yes - I am more than what I was diagnosed. I am far ahead from the past that caged and trapped my life. Again, everything felt so fast and fuck, real. The unexplained turbulence of emotions within me never felt this harsh and I am not even sure I am saying it in a denial state or whatever the fuck is now.

The help that I thought could've bring me forward just broke the shit out of me. I had my hope all high and it only got me low. Now I am not sure if I seeking for professional help would be a step that I would continue further. But this doesn't stop me from swimming to the surface - this is part of the many process that would try to bring me down but shit I will not.

It's amazing how depressed I got and went up all fired up to understand my symptoms and traits. Tell you what? It's not that 'comfortable' anymore once you understand your symptoms and traits - in my case, not 100% got it crystal clear but it gives me pain and some thinking that I am still processing. It feels a lot worst and shittier than I ever imagined.

I wasn't happy when I was diagnosed with those symptoms and traits - yes, I was so pissed that I stop being genuine to the psychiatrist at the final 30 minutes. "Okay - that's it. I outta here"

I can't fucking handle it. I know I sound so unsatisfied right now but this is just how feel and I have the right to (still) feel upset and mad about it. Listening to podcast from therapist and people who work in this area, actually helped me to move forward. 

Their podcast and insight does triggers the shit out me. So many triggers that got me all drained out and feel it's worthless to carry on. But curiosity to unfold myself behind all the trauma and past experiences I had, is way stronger than the shitty fear.

Hence, dear readers or visitors - this is the side of Cherlanne that only 1 out of 8 people ever knew or I allow myself to open up. Please note that if this limits your relationship with me, so be it. I know what I need in my life and if you can't accept the experience and point of views I am expressing, the doors are wide open. 

"Dear voices in my head"

Stop - just stop.

I am more than the voice in my head. I am stronger than the loud noises that suffocate me into the unbearable heavy thoughts. You do not own me - my emotions, my trauma and the person I have become now. I did not let the past hold on to me, neither does you. 

Stop - just stop.

With every tears I had silently in the darkest night, I had enough. There were too much exhaustion and overwhelms that I no longer felt alone. You have accompanied me in the emptiness that you never able to fix. I never asked for your voices, I did not ask for noises that dragged me into the past.

Stop - just stop.

I know my own voices. I'm heading there - I am voicing out and speaking up for myself and hoping for all the people experience darkest traumatic incident in their life able to embrace the trauma and progress towards their full potential.

No - you can't stop me.

You never once own me or hold me back. I am consciously reaching out. Watch me - watch me crushing those walls and journeying that painful 21 years wound, with my inner child. 

No - you can't stop me.

My strong intense emotions, they are stronger than anything else in me. I pride my emotions for the person I am now. Your voice is no match for my emotions.

No - you can't stop me.

As the voices get louder, the more resilience I will be. No looking back, no twisted thoughts and no doubting my potential.

Stop trying to stop me

Because I grew to a strong lady with unbeatable emotion and embrace a genuine vulnerability.

So, stop dear voices in my head; let's be friend with each other and journey to see what the future hold for us. 

 

How has it been?

As far as I could remember, I have not been giving effort in writing my blog. I use to be so excited to write when I have good set of thoughts in my head, strong feelings or something big happened on the day. A lot of crazy things has been happening for the past eight months - feelings, tears, adrenaline rush, butterflies in stomach, stupidity, clumsiness and every ups and downs. Basically I am doing great.

Am I?

Here's a thing that's no longer a secret - I have not been mentally great. Yes, I have not. I was not being kind to my thoughts and mental. I'm mentally sick - not trying to get attention, no fucking such things. I suffer every nights, every fucking night from holding my heavy breath, tears and my eagerness to scream. Especially when I am working outstation which I'll be sharing room with my colleagues and volunteers. The pressure of giving proper or good example to your clients and volunteers made everything worst. I thought I will get use to this but fuck no. I can't - my body is draining out. My passion in my work, I can feel it's getting weak and I am starting to feel unhappy about this. But what could go worst when you starting to accept it? I can feel my head is starting to accept this weak interest over my work. Is this normal? It has not even been a year. I am avoiding conversation, denying my trauma, preventing myself from others' closure, creating boundaries and isolating myself. This is not me - well, since when you ever confronted your trauma and genuinely opening up yourself to someone?

On the second thought, I figured that this might be a beginning of myself to embrace the little spot of darkness inside me. Maybe, just maybe, I am slowly attempting to confront my childhood trauma but I fear the external shits - people. They will see how weak and hypocrite I was and am. Knowing the real me, I doubt my friends will stay.

Deep inside, I don't really care of all the above - but I can't predict if I will able to handle all the confrontation and the output of my mentality. Can I stand of these?

What exactly happen to you dear self? What happen?

You know this is going to happen - you knew it already. You knew.

You knew.

Time is doing it's job

August is almost coming to an end. Guess what? I am on my internship at the moment and I gotta say I am doing pretty cool thing here. Oh wait, before I talk (mostly brag about it but meh, what else I could write about) about what happened, you probably wondering how my ARP went - well, honestly dear, it was the worst yet the best 2 weeks of my life. I never once committed that amount of time on my research till I realized the submission date is in 10 days and shit, my work was not even half done. 

By the day I had my last exam, I immediately went from zero to fully committed every second of my time writing it - well, barely. However, I was not being smart or wise enough to balance my time. Everything went up side down. I wasn't eating and sleeping properly - sleeping with my eyes wide open and eat anything just to make my stomach full. I was lack of nutrient and I could even felt my brain about to explode and somehow felt my heart beating very weak. I completely gone crazy to finish my research. One night I had this major breakdown - I couldn't write anything on my paper for 20 hours and there's only 3 days to finish it. Well, I had to rush because I am having this camp thingy in Penang which I also look forward to and assume it as a reward for finishing my research writing. Back to breakdown thing; my whole body shuts down and not many ideas were generated for 20 hours. Because of this, I was depressed - unable to think straight, cried so hard and had to call my best friend to calm myself down. It work for few minutes but furgh, everything went crazy again around 4 am. I had to go to my friend's room because I need real human conversation about it. My whole body was shaking till I couldn't face the laptop anymore or listen to the sound of keyboard typing. "I can't finish it", that's how I sum up what I had in mind. I cried in her room for an hour and I was loud. I think I somehow freak them out or maybe not but they save me. Just by letting me in and I was grateful they were available for my whining and tears. If you're happen reading this, I need to let you know that you basically saved my bachelor degree life. 

The crying continued silently for few days. Crying keeps me going and sane. So, every night I will have this spiritual conversation over the research writing; apologizing and admire how amazing Jesus has done for me and persuading myself that I could make it on time. It was quite funny when I think about it now. I literally turn to Jesus. Another thing is my ARP supervisor. She is so cool; she somehow understand that I need this research to be done 2 days before submission. So, she made a fast reply on my 1st draft and immediately agree to proceed to publish it after reading my 2nd draft - Truly am grateful for this! 

I even submitted my thesis like in the most dramatic way. I rent a car for the whole day and the rain decided to pour down heavily. Then, I paid almost two hundred for my hardcover thesis - requested for the fastest service, so yeah. I made into the school office about 5 minutes before they close Yeah, that's about it. It ends. Everything went by in just a blink; from having nasi lemak at 12 am in Pak Ndak cafe while listening to random jokes to crying over paper and journals and to sleeping at your study table. It has already ended and I don't think I will ever put myself in that situation again. 

At least for now - best of luck dear self.

Lazy me > ARP

In about 18 hours I will be sitting for my second paper this semester. My second paper means it I am almost reaching 2 out of 3 of my papers! Hooray and yes, I am on my exam period now. Guess what readers? I am reaching the end of my degree life. Not yet but it's almost there. After this semester, I will be having my internship. What year is it now? The time is moving so fast and I am still chilling here pretending not having any works to do. 

I have not updated you all about what I have been going through lately, didn't I? Okay so for your information (which probably have zero matter for your concern but I am telling anyway), I am currently on my final semester. This means I have my final year project, big project and so on. But no, because for my course program, I do not have it. What I am working out is my Academic Research Writing (ARP) which is still friggin 40% progress and need to be submitted before 20 June. As you can see I only have a few days before the deadline and I am so dead right now and I really need work on it and I think I will stop here now because I just realized how fxcked up I am. 

I promise I will write soon. I hope you have a pleasant day ahead. Goodbye for now! 

Paper heart

I tried telling you something. I re-arranged my words and stories a lot, like seriously a lot. I waited till the right time. In a moment I thought I could pour it out but I before I do, I already feel rejection on you. It pained me so much not able to opening up to you. It was very simple; I only need someone to talk with. There's so many sadness inside of me that I can just throw them up. Yet, I choose to keep it. This is sick and unworthy. I get more and more fragile each day with this burdened heart and mind. I could only talk to myself and figure things on my own. 

I was fragile then I went hopeless and losing my common sense. But that's when I learn to create my own shelter; my own walls. I learn to create my own strength as people around see me as strong person. Slowly I learn how to cope with every bullshits I faced. But it somehow became too much and you got used to it. Yes, I am so used to it and I forget how broken I was. The walls went thicker and taller than I expected; covered with tired-hopes, time wasted, insecurities, low self-esteems, unreachable-expectations, lost-promises, ignorance and unrequited loves. The walls became even uglier each days. I couldn't even bear to look at it. I hide it very hard and I'm getting good at it. I turned these walls as my strength, my barriers and I'm telling you all the shits covering these walls made me even stronger. 

Do you ever feel that way? All the shits you went through made you even stronger. I hope you do. If you're happen to be in the worst situation, don't ever let yourself in to the problem you or even escape from it. Face it and fix it. The beauty behind those troubles and pains worth more than you ever expect. I have been there and I am still working on it.

A war with myself.

Awful thoughts has been keep popping up and interrupting me recently. Its already heavy enough to have a war inside of your head. A war between your mind and your responsibilities, tasks, commitment, staying on track and financial. But somehow it doesn't seem enough with a war on yourself. When the people around you keep giving negative vibes, I seriously can't. Its too much. Just freaking too much. I don't think I could recall when was the last time I slept without having tears on my pillow. Its true. I just want to get it over. Is this some kind of mental illness that bring out only the worst of me? Why is it life seems so out of purpose right now? A part of me is half-alive and I refused to make the other one turn out the same. 

So, please. This condition is not something you could stop by saying "Don't be sad" or "You're just thinking too much". I need nothing but your hand, your helping hand - to hold me and drag me to where I have to be. 

I could not count on anyone but one thing I could count on is I need your help; stop doing whatever destroys me. 

Stop. 

Just stop.

Making it right.

I am always grateful for the choices and decisions that I made these pass few years. I always tell myself I am lucky in almost every moment of my life (well, about 30% of it are probably not but at least it taught me great lessons). I believe good things happen when you start to believe them. Why do I feel this way? Because I keep my believes in prayers. I believe having honest conversation with God is relieving, lightening, motivating and beautiful. There's no other 'real talk' other than with Him. Since I start believing in You, Lord, good things always happens to me and it still is. The only favor I could do as a return for you is staying loyal and talk to you as much as I could.

What I am trying to point out here is every person in this earth are blessed when they start thinking they are. This is not some spiritual writing or anything on promoting my faith but it just something that I recently realized - faith and luck. Sometimes I wonder till when will this luck last on me? Then, I realized I am not suppose to question it but suppose to believe it and be grateful about it. Don't ask for more but just be thankful - its already more than enough. Even the tiniest things; the good sleep, a good friend to talk to, the smile my parents made when I told them I pass my Japan lvl 2 (I have no idea why I took the most difficult language but I did not regret it tho), the unexpected discount on stuffs you bought, finding a car park at peak time and so much more.

This short semester break made me realized that I am truly blessed. The people around me are the best people ever. I wasn't referring the companies I had during semester break, but throughout my life. Some may not last long but they were there for many reasons. I love the people who radiates good energy for me. They made me realized what I am capable of and showed me how limitless life is. The friends that you could count on, lighten your days, inspire you, appreciate you, need you, motivate you, bring out the best version of you and keep you close to your faith. 

Start believing all the good things about yourself and life will surprise you. Trust yourself and everything will be provided just as how strong you believe it is. 

Its okay dear self

First,
I was scared,
But then I found out your favorite food,
And it gave me the idea that you're approachable,
It was true and I like that.

Then I think you're funny when you are being nonsense,
It tickled me seeing you being crazy,
I started to remember our conversation,
And I begin to like you do the talking instead of me,
You talk too much,
All of your stories stuck in my head,
And at that moment,
I realized that you were something.

I realize I enjoyed you being comfortable with me,
Made me happy that I had your trust,
We shared similar traits and I like that,
That's cool.

Then, I listened to your favorite songs,
Turned out that each songs used to be my favorite,
Was tempted to open up myself to you,
But then,
I realize everyone is falling head over heels for you.

I start to lose interest in you,
But I long for the trust you had in me,
Avoiding myself,
So I took a step behind,
Because everyone likes you,
That's good,
Because I can see you are happy now.

But dear self,
It has been months,
Wake up,
Its over,
You already missed your chance,
You dumb,
But you're not.

Because its okay.
Its okay.

I made the right choice.

You'll get the hang of it

Dear self, don't worry. All the tearful nights, choking yourself with responsibilities, dealing with f*cktards and time & energy invested on works and studies, it teaches you a lesson that you couldn't learn by reading books or yourself. These are the sweats and tears that you will worth to grew from those. Soon, you will thank yourself. 

In the future, you will reflect your life and said "Dayum, I used to be someone beyond my limits." 

Its an important moment of your life to be reflected in the future. When you want to give up and let go of something, please dear self, please, I beg you, please remember those moment. You have been through a lot of hardship. Take it as a reflection that remind yourself to be fearless to face another stages of life. Life is not getting easier. The closer you are to your dream, the harder it gets. Similar situation happen when you got yourself closer to the Lord. But the hardship are fruitful and the sweetest feeling you could ever imagined.

This is only the chance I got. I only have less than a year left in this campus;10 friggin' months to be exact to call myself as a student. I don't know if you understand this feeling but for me, I am so not ready to leave the life as a student. I don't know if I could adapt myself as someone who considered as an independent adult, working women and having salary every month. Getting more and more responsibilities more than your siblings. Not getting any allowance from your parents or enjoying the the scholarship from the government. But to be an individual that required to face the globalized world; surviving in this competitive and corrupted society. By corrupted I meant, the society isn't as what they seems as they look or act. Plus, you could never live the life like we did in the 20th century. Come on dear, this is a new era where the earth are transformed into border-less world. 

As you(me) read through your blog, note yourself that you are getting better and better. The life you're living in now might not be exactly the same as you had plan back in 5 years ago, but life seems good at this moment. It possibly might happen again in the next 3-5 years - you could be standing in different land and speaking new languages. Whatever the life is, promise yourself that you will make yourself proud. You will and always be. Keep this spirit goes on and enjoy the rest of the moment. I swear, these experiences, you will never stop feeling grateful about it. There is so much to explore and to learn than staying in your comfort zone. 

Keep going, you will reach the life you never imagine you could be. Be forever blessed. 

The good and the bad.

When the time comes, someone will noticed you. 

Everything - the good and the bad.

Your fake confidence.

Being panic without reasons.

Your shaky voice as you point out your opinion in the crowd.

The effort you put on your eyebrows.

Caught you falling asleep in random places.

The mole you had in your palm.

Your fruity smells.

Walking so fast when you're alone.

Your eyes rolls as you feel annoyed.

Always keep your plate clear every lunch/dinner.

Eating snacks while no one watching.

You chew gums to avoid from dozing off.

Faking a phone call just to avoid awkward short-catch-up.

Doodles when situation gets bored.

Always fall asleep during road trips.

Cries every single time when there is a scene of animal are killed in movies.

. . .

When the time comes, someone will accept you. 

Everything - the good and the bad.

Accept the fact that he is on the third place because family and friends comes right after God.

That muffin top of yours that shows when you're sitting down.

Your messy tangled hair.

Sneezing like a dude.

Your snores while sleeping.

Romance is always the number one choice watching a movie.

How you regret after watching a horror movie.

Your random thoughts and your craving for deep conversation.

Spontaneous plans.

Your dream on travelling the globe.

2 am phone calls.

Your weird playlist.

. . .

When the time comes, I pray to God that I won't choked myself to death; or embarrassed myself with tears in my eyes or burst myself to that unfiltered-laugh of mine. I pray to God that I will stand still - with my brain and heart working that shit together to figure everything out.

I might not realized your existence or your feeling; but believe me, I am forcing myself to believe that there is someone out there that would notice and accept me the way I am. But my reality, my ego, my expectation - blurred my sight from believing that you are right in front of me. From time to time, I never stop myself from looking another perspectives to change myself to be a better women. If you are happen to know me before and thought that I am no longer like the person you used to know, it means that I did became better - maybe because of I am now aware what I need and what I want. 

You probably see that I could do everything on my own - "don't worry about her, she's very independent; she is able to finish her job on her own; she is her own man" -  hell, I'm not. I'm just accepting the fact that I have to learn to stand on my feet before I get too attached on you that I couldn't prepare myself to lose you. Before I start a new chapter that might have an ending that I could never live with. Yes, I'm preparing for all those future broken-hearts; being cheated on, complicated decisions, break-up, getting dumped, left-hanging or move-on-phase. So, I need you to steal my time, don't give up on me and we will figure out that incomplete puzzles, together.

Look who's talking now?

I have to warn you. What I am about to spit out in this entry is all about fucked up things I have regrets in these past few months. I couldn't bear keeping it inside anymore and oh, if you feel like I'm talking about you, well, if the shoes fit, feel free to lace it up and wear it. 

I been way too much outta from my comfort zone. I sacrificed my time and energy for things I actually end up crying at night and wished I did any of those. You know what it feels like when you given your 200% energy for something and you were still ask to continue it again? I know it's a compliment for you because I did a good job (hell yeah, I did) and now they trust you because of it. To be honest, it's a mess inside of me working those things. 

I lose my best features; my sense of humor. Its very heartbreaking seeing the negativity vibes took over you slowly and breaking every inch of your bones and your soul is deeply hurt. Its not healthy for me. Its not. I don't want to lose myself doing things like this. I am a free soul; why should I get myself involved with such things? The worst thing I caught myself doing was I could hardly contacted my family at home. Each time my mum calls me, I'll be like "Sorry Ma, I'm in a meeting". Now thinking about it made me felt like the worst daughter ever. I can't imagine seeing myself behaving like that in the future. I can't. I just can't. I just couldn't calm the fuck out of me when things get so intense. Especially when have to move those ass to do work. Thank goodness not everyone need to be pushed over. 

Well, at least now I knew that field was not for me. For those who knows me well, it doesn't suits me, right? You see me coming to class like a retard zombie and I even got caught taking a nap in class, like what the fuck? It's so embarrassing. Worst is I skipped most of my classes and I have to deals with the low marks for my participation in class. This is not cool Chalen, not cool!

Like what I told my mum, its already passed. It's in the past. What's important is that you played your role well. Seriously, I did part and give out the best of me. I still have 2 months left for next semester involved this two committees. I shall do my best and end everything. I will let go and do new things. Maybe visit more part of Thailand next semester. 

Somehow, I did learnt so many things while doing all the paperwork, dealing with the people in office, managing different kind of people, stuck in random places and learn skills that you could never learn in class. With all the knowledge I gained, I'm more than grateful for it and will surely benefit myself from those experience. That's why everything happened for reasons. I trust God have put in this phase to help me discovering myself. I could how far I went and I am so grateful with this so-far-achievements. Now lets hope for more and better experiences.

For those who has supported me from the beginning till the end, I just want to let you know that I am very grateful for you boys and girls never left me out. Some of you have seen me crying, whining and say stupid things. I'm sorry to act such ways in front of you. I think a few of you realized that I am the type of person that always need, always, someone by my side. Another thing, I never actually realized I am that bossy that when it comes on giving orders to people. Also, I am sorry for those that have to go back and forth to pick me up and many stuffs that I asked for help. 

From the event that I'm doing, I learnt and finally accepted that 'change' is a constantly thing happening in our life. Ready or not, it will happen. After all the hard work, everyone needs big-fat hug. Oh boy, I'm sorry I misunderstood you. I have taken you in the wrong way. But, I was happy that you proved me wrong. I was great seeing you learning and gave your best. I just hope you won't get in the wrong path. And another thing, everyone have different history; somehow their history defined their future. I hope your history will remain a history and I think you should take a fresh start. And we both should start trusting people. I believe you have very pure innocent side behind that fucked face of yours which you were convincing me that you have a very poor reputation before. Well, I don't think you like that, at the moment. I hope you knew that I will always be here if you need help. I don't know if you realized it but I haven't returned your hair tie - well, I don't think you need it anyway. 

I have exams 3 days from now and I haven't start studied shit. Well, I actually did some notes but I still don't consider that as studying. I know where I stand. I am actually trying to keep my blog updated but writing an entry need my entire mind and heart to function together to write an entry. For your information, I have almost reach 2K views for my blog. This is amazayn! Thank you lovelies readers! When I reached my 2K views, I promise I will a appreciation vlog for you guys.

Alright, I guess that's all for today. Toodles guys! 

When you're in 'that' phase again

I am in that 'discovering myself' phase again.

I used to know myself better than anyone does. But seems likely now, I couldn't even make my own decision. I keep on asking everyone permissions and approvals on everything that I do. I know it's good to ask others' opinion, but if you do too much, it's not okay. 

Here's a thing I want to share a few things that has been happening on me these past few weeks. Back then, I always trusted God to help in everything I did, even till this moment. I keep on surrendering the things I can't handle to God, I let Him do the rest of my work and I can proudly say this, He kept His words. Everything went so well, way better than I expected. But then, now, it seems like I'm letting Him does everything; even the small things. I realized He hasn't been 'answering' me lately-probably I should say not yet. I didn't expect this but it hurts so much. I'm telling you a real thing here, it hurts so much than being ignored by your friends.Because of that, I, without thinking too much, stupidly controlled myself from praying on asking Him too much. I was scared of asking too much. As I did those, I felt a bit lost. I keep forgetting things. I overthink, I don't walk my talk and I depend too much on others. I always think I should take over be in control of many situations. I judge others, I criticized them, I compare how good I am than them. I even dig their past and even use others to benefit myself. I am being so negative about my surrounding. I tell people to stay positive themselves bu the fact is I am being the most negative person. I end up accusing people for hating me but when I think now, they're actually not. All these things, I still pray to Him. What a hypocrite person I am. I pretend everything was perfect when it was definitely not. I cried each night but still don't make an effort to stop it all. I am not a good child, dear God. I am so sorry. See? I am doing it all over again. I shouldn't be sorry for this. 

We had a spiritual camp last week; three days two nights. It was an amazing camp. It really was. I am so glad my team did awesome work. But, I was kind of lost a few slots in that camp. I thirst for God's love. I almost felt His touch but yet, it felt too far. On the final day of the camp, I went to St Anne old church's building. I sat there with a few people. I wanted to stay longer but I want to be in a perfect alone environment. I know I shouldn't be selfish, but that time I was being so selfish that I only wanted Him all by myself. I know God's love is for everyone, but I couldn't help myself for wanting Him just for me. I walk out from the church as a few people coming in. It was such a waste because I didn't really pray, I just sat there-stare blindly at the altar. I felt like there is a distance. A fine line between me and God. I didn't feel calm. And worst, I force myself to be calm. I was in tears but I don't know why. I walk out and that's it. I just missed my opportunity with God just like that. 

My head keep on haunting me with these questions; how to love myself again? How to keep myself strong as I used to be? How can others be so strong looking at me like this? I am not as perfect as they see me, I am not happy and all cheerful as people see me, I am not that bold and strong as you me talking. I act and trying hard to be as tough as you wanted me to be. I just want to be belong to your expectations. I am trying to reach out the level you had set me up. I not proud of who I am. I may be capable of doing it but the point is does it content me? Does it make me happy? 

Letting everything go just like is the easiest thing to do now you know. Walking away just like that is the thing that I really really want to do. I could just gave up like that you know. But I still choose the hard way. Keeping it altogether, I still trust God on this.

I am occupied with a lot of things but I know I still can cope with this. Don't take me in the wrong way, I still love Him. I just miss Him that's just it. I could only promise myself to find my way back to Him. Dear Father, once again, help me. Amen.

3rd Anniversary

It's been three years since my dearest best friend departed. I miss you so much it hurt. I hope you're doing well up in heaven. Oh well, of course you are. You are rested in the hands of the Lord :)

All these years, I still had the thought of giving you a call or send random text. Why? Because I could never stop myself from picturing you're still here. And there are times when I hope that one of my blog viewer is you. Haha crazy but seriously I miss you so much.

The feeling of not having you here is very obvious and I will never know how to move on from that(and I don't want to) .

I miss Prudence Pearl Manih so much. May you rest well and I will see you in another life ❤

Deeper connection.

Another year has passed. Like the usual, I will always make an entry on a summary-kinda-post after a year has come to an end. Well, for me, 2015 was bitter sweet. My memories in 2015 made me felt contented with all the fun stuffs I have done so much in just a year. I successfully got out from my comfort zone. I'm proudly to say I managed to travel to new places this year. Some of my life bucket list were checked off. Quite a lot achievements unlocked such as I got my very first dean award for my second semester! Yayy 

I swear 2016 is going to extra amazing which I will have my very own passport. I'm going to treat myself with some adventures! But I won't be putting too much hopes on it. Lets just say, I'll go with the flow. I won't be making resolutions this year like I had always did in the previous years. I feel strictly bound to my own resolutions, its more like a rules and when you unable to accomplish it, I get slightly disappointed which is not a good feeling for me. 

Overall, I am thankful for 2015 for all the wonderful moments I had experienced. It taught me of acceptance of responsibility and letting go of the past. I learnt that I could not get everything in control. With the power, strength and blessings granted from God, I couldn't be more grateful than this for one great amazing year.

All I could say for my 2016 is I wish for more adventures and happiness for my family and I. Hopefully this year I will be granted a good wealth(spending management) and good health as well as good balance between work and studies. That's all I am wishing for this year. 

I wish all of my lovely readers to have a wonderful year ahead and lets live each second of life to the fullest. 

P/s: My blog's pageviews has reached more than 1.6k pageviews! I am truly happy having you all anonymously reading my page. Thank you lovelies ❤

Current mood = lost

I never felt so lost in my life till today. I forgot how it feels like to sit my study chair and not worry about tomorrow. Lately, I have gotten myself caught too much with the activities at college. I have engaged with many society and clubs here and it is very sad for me to say this that I'm kind of feeling quite regret about this decision. If you have seen my tweets, I was actually trying to work on gaining lots of experience and soft skills by joining the various society and club here in college. But its only been 2 months since I joined them and I am already starting to feel miserable on myself. I cannot focus on my daily goal - time management, assignment and revision for quizzes as well as mid-term exam. The worst of all, I cannot keep myself in a good shape - my diet, healthy body and my sleeping routine end up worst. I need caffeine in the morning to relax myself and boost my body to go through the day.

Two days ago I had a short revision on my English paper, which I did exactly 2 hours before my paper(it was a simple-basic-grammar-kind-of-paper),  then I had to search a bit information on the problem solution essays. My friends gave me tips that the essay will either on stress or obesity. I look through articles on obesity first. Then I continue on searching on stress. I started my reading o the academic essays on stress then when I turn to articles and blog based on true story, I could relate myself with the early symptoms of early stage depression among young adults. I never been so scared in my life reading a real shit from blogs and medication websites. I was telling myself that this is only me thinking too much(until now).

Since I was a kid, I never had no one to feel inspired with. I the achiever type of kid. I get inspire by actresses/actors in movies, characters in cartoon, my teachers and even my older siblings. I once got so inspired with my brother for getting into university and envy him for he able to travels a lot while studying. So, I use him as an example to push myself to achieve my goals. I am one of the kid that do not get what she/he want unless she/he work hard on it. For example, I got my first black and white screen mobile phone in my first year of high school because I work hard for it during my UPSR, the big shit we, Malaysian students, have to go through in our final year of primary school. As a carefree high spirited kid, I don't have any specific hobby, I always had different interests/hobbies. I went from singing(yes I joined a damn singing competition when I was in elementary school) and dancing to fishing to sketching, sewing, collecting bracelets, and making crafts to fangirling over one direction(is that even a hobby?), reading manga and watch anime to baking and travelling. Talking all of this stuffs makes me miss the way I used to be. A kid who used to be so creative and enjoy various interests.

I feel like I have so much burden on back and worries in my head. I could not fall asleep without thinking too much. Well, have I ever not think too much before fell asleep? 

To be honest, I don't practice what I preach recently. I don't take care of my health as I tell others to do so. I am now someone that rush myself to class every morning, I don't meditate before I jump from my bed, I don't smile on my reflection(I used to do it as self-help in aspect of confidence and as positive vibe), I don't pray before I sleep, I don't drink tea instead I drink coffee, I don't have time to do meditation, I don't watch motivational vlogs and I stopped listening to songs. I am scared, you know. I'm scared of losing behind. I often feel forgetful and I feel panic all the time. Its not good for my weak heart. I scared this will cause me pressure and depressed myself. I feel like quitting. But that is so not me. I don't take things half-way, I started it then I shall finish it. I grew up as an achiever, remember?

I may facing with more and more different kind of people these day. I get good and bad affect from them. I'm being quite emotionally sensitive lately on the way people treated me. I get so many unnecessary flashbacks due to their actions. Sometime it lower my self-esteem and I'll confuse myself. But I'm pushing those negative aura to a space that I won't give any shit unless it really concerned my life. I experience many love/hate situations recently. Those feelings surely made me feel something. Somehow I feel a bit grown up experiencing sort of stuffs. 

Above all the craps I mentioned before, I still have faith in me. God never fail me, so why do I have to feel so helpless in the fact that I am the only person that could help myself? No one would bring me down unless I let them. 

When I experience those sorts of things, I will force myself to check on my favorite vloggers on youtube to force myself to act self-help which I seriously need to do - laugh especially on Lilly's inspirational videos. I also read some mind refreshment articles in tinybuddha which is always helpful and inspiring.

I'm writing tonight because I feel out of control with this feeling and I cannot let this feeling grow wildly inside of me. For me, writing does help. It give me time to think more what stuffs I have problem on, lead me to calmness and express myself through words. This is not something I could just say to someone and expect them to understand, right? I may have talk on this matter on few people but I only talk it casually because I don't want them to worry too much.

Okay that's all for tonight. I'm having my final exam now and there are 3 papers left. So, boys and girls, wish me luck! Have a nice day. 

the one who promises not to forget always forget

I am such an idiot for trusting your words. I shouldn't have open up my feelings for you or writing it here. My room reminds me of you. The windows and curtains reminds me of you. Its just something that I can't forget. You're not worth to be remembered since you leave pain inside me. A pain that's not a even worth it.

I'm afraid I won't fall beautifully anymore because I forget how to fall without afraid of getting hurt. Things are so different now. Well, duhh. I'm over twenty, you're not in high school anymore. I am so busy looking at my age and worrying on how it will define me. Its amazing how numbers confused me how to have right attitude for this two digit when the right thing to do is just be myself. 

I get so tired everyday that I wasted everyday by just breathing and dying the day end faster. I hate myself for that. I'm not making progress of myself. I'm blinding myself from the wonderful blessings I had with things that I could never own. Time is moving forward and I'm stuck. 

As I came home, I look at my parents and my chest hurts. They smiled and I hold my tears. I could see their wrinkles get visible. I'm afraid. I cannot stop thinking how the future going to change me, Basically, I am in control with my future, but shit I can't. I can't even see myself 6 months from now.

I feel stuck. I pause myself somewhere that I can't move forward. I'm stuck.

I'll love you.

No matter how hard you crash me, tear me, push me, ignore, badmouth me, bash me, hit me, curse me, hate me and drown me, I won't lose you for that. Maybe I'll fall for many times but I don't mind. I'll show you how dedicated I am. I'll prove you how much I love you. I'll love you harder and harder. 

I won't let you put me down. Either its big or small matter, I won't lose to any of your shit. I may fall but you still going to see me rise and rise. I won't lose. Not to you. Not you.