This question got me at blank state. Few weeks ago, I was able to nail this question. One of the interviewee gave me amazing feedback "It's really great to talk with you - you're precise and determine. You came well-prepared". It got me really high made me living the best version of myself - so I thought.
A friend asked me the same question at my depressive episode, I can't even think of anything but my mental illness. Funny how I thought I have finally accepted who I am yet there's nothing I could think of but the blockages I have been dealing with for the past few days. I felt unworthy, I don't feel belonged to the ground that I am standing up. The reality is that I cannot even face myself as I am. I let myself drowning, hoping that someone will jump in the water and pull me out. For many years in teenage life and young adult, I have been praying for someone to come and save me. Fuck I am so vulnerable writing this. To be honest, I can only write this piece when I am depressed or anything that puts me at the scale of one. Maybe this is why I have been avoiding writing - I write nothing but my vulnerability.
Years and years I thought I am just a girl who long for genuine love from another person, but I never even try to love myself. It's always a love-hate battle for me. I do not even dare to look inside of me - I may or may not move on from my childhood trauma but I am still unable to accept that it cause me to be this person. A person who can't feel love yet been giving so much love for others and still hurts those who matter the most. I have anger management issues and this shit has been happening a lot at home where I will throw my tantrum to my parents. What an ungrateful child, my parents had to deal a lot with my depressive episodes. They have been covering me up from external shit, get things done for me and I still throw my shit at them. I love my parents so much and especially at their age - they shouldn't be dealing with my BPD episodes.
Back in July, I was diagnosed with hypomania, bipolar II and borderline personality disorder. Not a single day I try to deny that these are not me. Everything went worst and I thought of ending my life. My suicidal ideation drastically went up and faking an accident doesn't seem so hard especially when giant trucks are always around your neighborhood. Yet I battled the ideation every fucking day because I know my mother couldn't handle it and my father will never be the same person if he knew it was suicide-accident. They were my source of strength everyday and I pray to God I will always love you as much as they kept being strong for me. I praying everyday that I can show my love and not throwing such fuckery to them. If I was able to go through the day without throwing my shit over them, damn that's a huge success for me. Small win yet it count.
Everyday I am living to proof myself that I can do this, I can do more than just living. I am trying and progressing. I trust myself more than ever. Eventhough my BPD is still on-going, I trust myself that I will make the most out of it even without medication (took once but it had side effect to me). I also suspecting that I have eyes problem - I need to check but knowing the possibility for me to have glaucoma scares me to death. I know I am avoiding but I pulling my shit as much as I can.
I believe I am a fighter that living her reality and trust every bits of myself that I am capable and loveable. Yes, this is who I see myself. I trust the little fighter in me, everyday and every moment.
I am a fighter of the reality.
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