I thank God for blessing me as a part of NUCS

I wouldn't have gotten this closer to You oh Lord if I didn't become a part of NUCS. Now I can finally felt the warmth of Your love since I practice myself to be closer and closer to You. I admit it, I never bring myself closer to You before. Now that I am all by myself, I begin to learn more about You and praying myself to be closer to You. 

Everything is a blessing ever since I came here. I met great amazing people and well, some are not but its okay. Everything happen with it's own reasons. Some people are trying to bring you down but you can turn it the other way. Here, I get tons of help from NUCS especially with my faith. I could feel their love with their faith and this has open my heart to bring myself to get closer as well. They taught me a lot of things about the love from your faith. 

Sometimes, when things get worst here, they are one of the painkiller that set my mind and soul on ease. Mum and dad helps too but they aren't available after 11pm. Everything started to be worst at night and thank God as well I have my friends to call and get my self back together. 

Everyone is special and amazing the way they are in NUCS. They are only group of friends that I could make myself like at home and cures my homesick. I hope and pray for the strong bond of love in NUCS will never ever fades away and get stronger and stronger each day. Happy and blessed to be part of them.  

trying to pull that Chinese look

Best week so far.

Can someone give me a long warm hug? Because I really need that right now. My back is all sore and my head is just a mess. I had the most tiring break ever. How is it called mid-term break since my days were full of helping out the seniors preparing costumes and training for the dance performances for the closing ceremony SUKIPT Sabah in UUM. Although it was such a tiring week, but I had a really good time interacting with all kind of people. I admit that it was probably the best week so far for my university life. I am looking forward for the next SUKIPT. But I swear that moment I don't want to perform again. Guess what guys? I joined the dance crew for modern dance performances for the closing ceremony and to be honest guys, that's my first time ever dancing at public. I enjoyed it but I don't think I want to do it for the second time. I don't think I like it; dancing in front of audience is not my thing. The audience was rad and oh God, North Borneo people are crazy, I repeat, craaazy. I have no regrets to be part of the crew for this event. It helped me to bond closer with most of my seniors. I'm glad that I joined them for all the sleepless night, long walks to dpp YAB and that 'bed-time' stories which made me no longer taking shower in the middle of the night. But still, no regrets guys. No regrets! 

I was busy all week and of course I haven't done any of my freaking assignments! Plus, I haven't studied for our mid-term exam. I am going to kill myself if I get poor marks. I won't let that happen to me. I'm going to make sure this 24 hours before sitting for the paper is all worth it.

We have loads of events for this coming week and the month of November. We will have our gathering for the International Affairs students. This means we are finally meeting our seniors and get to know our course better. I hope so. Then, later in November, we will have an annual dinner for our DPP. The theme is gonna be traditional wear so I look forward to dress-up for this dinner! 

Our date for the final exam is finally out. My last paper is on the fifth day of January *tears of happiness* I want to take the flight home on that night. I miss home so much. I won't be able to spend Christmas and New Year with them this year and the next three years. What a sad life for degree student. *sob*

Can I cry till I puke my shitty lungs out from my chest

Studying about politics makes me turning into another level of dumb. I am half regret with this course at this moment. I can't put this confusing facts in my head. I am sick and so not used to reading 500+ pages of world journals. I didn't realize everything is gonna be tough as fuck.

Moreover, I can't talk to anyone here. Especially in my class. I'm telling you this is so not me. Or this is the real me, one retarded 'closed' person? I want to be friends with everyone but I can't start any conversation with the people here cos I am too afraid to be judge by the way I talk. Looking at them having their own clique is making me worst, I distance myself from everyone. I can't focus in classes. I don't give good responses when the lecturer ask me. I feel so shit and I want this to stop. I focus more on my activities outside the class. This is so wrong and I don't want to hang around any longer. I'm so scared this is not the right place for me. A part of me asking me to quit and leave, but I don't want to because I don't have anywhere else to go. I miss home so badly but I don't want to think about going back yet. I need a hug from my mum right now. Your daughter really misses you.

But deep inside me, I know I can do this. I am always on the right path. I trust God for this path that I choose. I know He won't let me down with the choices I made so  far. I know I am still the same person. I haven't gone wrong and I will never be. I should show people what I am made of and what I am capable of. I know myself fucking well than anyone is.

Bring yourself away from temptation. Stop looking for everyone mistakes. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Yes, yesterday test was a total failure but it's alright. You'll never know what's wrong with you if you didn't took that test. You can do it all over again Chalen, just have a little faith on yourself. You're one tough hearted woman. You can do this shit if you start believing and living with your faith. The only chance you have is the moment you're living with. Have faith and see the world in your eyes changing.

Cheap and spicy food everywhere...

So I survived 9 days in Kedah. I had my first class today. The lecturer wasn't around. My seniors says that it's a normal thing for freshmen. They give us time to look for our class. My class is in a new building outside the campus. So we have to take certain bus to go there.

I really need to tell you guys what happened last week; orientation week. It was a rough week. Some days go well and some days are just... not good. The second orientation day was a mess. I woke up 2 hours late. It was horrible. I don't have any roommate to wake me up. Luckily the senior who's in charge of us didn't took any strict action on me. They just ask me why I didn't get up on time. Most of our activities involved walking around the campus and listening to talks. The seniors who are in charge of us are the best. I really like the way they look after us and exposed us to lots of things about this place. 

To be honest, it's very different here. Many new faces, new cultures, new food, new language and you name it. I am still trying my best to get used this whole environment. I just hope that my first semester goes well and I can get through it with getting into dean's list 😊

packing for university

Have I mentioned I am going to leave this place in less than a week? To be specific, in just 2 more days I am off to Kedah for my degree level in Universiti Utara Malaysia(UUM) which is also known as Northern University of Malaysia. 

Two weeks ago, my application for degree studies were out and voilà! I received an offer from UUM for degree in International Affairs Management. Yes I was quite thrilled yet bummed cos I was not expecting this offer, I was hoping for Environmental Management. A bit disappointed but told myself maybe it's just not for me and I should just thank God for this offer. I know there's a lot of reasons for it and one of it is my two friends got the same place as I am! I was thousand times happier than before. I don't have to worry about being alone on the first two three days during orientation week(or maybe days) because my friends are there and the crazy thing is we went to the same school twice; high school and pre-uni. And now we are going to the same university, how crazy is that? 

The registration is on first day of September. Can you imagine how rush everything gonna be? So little time yet so many things to pack. I have tons of clothes to pack in one luggage that I'm not even sure it'll fit. To not make that happen, I browse for useful tips in packing in youtube. Thanks to the our amazing speed of Internet connection(I am going to miss home wifi so much), I found lots of useful tips on space-saving for my stuffs to fit in a luggage and I also want to thank these awesome youtubers for sharing their helpful tips and making my life less than miserable. So here I am sharing with you guys.

Genius ideas that I found very useful to pack my luggage.

• Roll your clothes instead of folding them. This will help to maximize the space in your luggage.
• Fold you underwear using ranger roll method. It's very easy, click here for the tutorial.
• For the girls out there, maintain your bra shape by stacking your bras on top of each other, fold it in half and tuck your underwear inside.
• Keep the dirty soles of your shoes away from your clothes by sticking them inside a shower cap or put it in a cloth/plastic bag.
• Stuff socks inside your shoes.
• Use a pill container to store your earrings and other smaller jewelry.

I will try my best to update you guys when I am done with my luggage because I still have go and get my baju kurung from the tailor. Yes, everything was prepared last minute but still not a problem for me. Everything is almost 79% done and I still have lots of things to do, my P license is about to expire tomorrow and I have to renew it before it dies. Hopefully I could drive at Kedah because I don't have the chance to drive here(parents won't let me and I don't have my own car yes I'm poor and idc). That's all for today and talk you guys soon x

Watch this packing hacks and I promise you, your life will never be the same.

"no one ask you to be nice to everyone"

Being too nice won't bring you anywhere. You get carried away of taking care of others feelings just because of the fear of rejection; negative outcome. And for such a long time, I never realize I have been living in someone else's life. Living in guilt. I did this quick self-assessment quiz cos I'm starting to feel worst about myself and I don't think I like my answers.

1. Do you have a hard time saying "no" to others requests, even when they are unreasonable? 
• I would say "no" in the first place, but they end up begging at me and I don't like it when they do that, so I'll say "yes" to stop them and now, it becomes a habit. A bad one. 
2. Do you often find yourself under-appreciated and taken for granted?
• Yes and fuck that. 
3. Do you believe you're been taken advantage at work or in any personal relationship?
• When I start thinking deeply about it, sometimes I do feel like I am being taken for granted a few times. Only a few people made me felt that way and I tried saying "no" at them. But stupid me, I still end up helping them. Same people, different situations. 
4. Do you let people give you thankless tasks they don't want to do themselves?
• NO. I don't do this.
5. Do you often go along with what others say and want, even if you feel differently down?
• If everyone is okay with, then I'll just go along with the majority.
6. Do your kindness and self-giving often go unreciprocated?
• Few times, yes. 
7. Are you afraid of being rejected if you don't go along with certain people's whims and demands?
• I know this is wrong but for the sake of others desire, all the time. I fear that they might think me as a selfish person or they lose their interest in me, make others hate me and I become friendless.
8. Do you take care of others first compare to yours?
•  Yes but I only do this to few people that really matters to me.

Look how fucked up I am right now. I was too depressed about my relationships with everyone, I end up google-ing about my problems. My favorite playlist helped me a bit and made me feel relaxed but it won't last long. All I could think of in my head now is "it's over". My friendship with her is over. We are no longer the same person six years ago. Time and experiences changes us. But I still I have my memories to cherish you. You tough me a lot, all the good ones and the bad ones. I still remember walking home alone from your friend's house just because you want to finish that stupid movie. You didn't even walk me to the door. How funny is that? The pain is still there but it doesn't matters now, cos you no longer care about me and I am about to do that as well. But how in the world am I able to do that? We already been through so many things together. You own a special place in my heart and I will always waiting for you when the time comes. Sometimes I wish you care enough the love I had for you, I wish you would send me long birthday wishes like I do. I hope I didn't have a one-side friendship all this time. You know how much you meant to me? Everything's become a memories now, a past. I couldn't let go of the past, yet. But once I made it, I promise I will look for you and see what the future bring us.

To not make the same mistake, I need boundaries. Yeah, I need that. I have to be wiser enough to set an appropriate boundaries in making friends. Some people are such ungrateful bastard and will only gives you hard times. I don't need that. I deserve same appreciation, mutual respect and reciprocation. I have to accept that not everyone will treat me the way I treat them. There's no reason keeping someone don't never learn to be grateful. I should treat myself with respect so I will attract more respectful relationships in my life. 

It's okay to own a big heart as long as you don't apply it on the wrong person.

here's a little thing about my fucked up self esteem

"almost is never enough"

Don't assume me that I have zero confidence in myself; my body fat doesn't make me less human. I have always been anxious about my body but due to my hard work this past four years, I am now at a stage that I can finally allow myself to feel good to fit in a dress nicely. Everyone has their own flaws which they are well-aware with(probably not everyone). The thing about feeling insecure on my body is something that I will never be able to get over with. Some days I would just ignore it and some days, I'll just cry about it. If I couldn't ignore it, I will keep my mind as positive as I can; and when I fail to do so, every compliments sound sarcastic. Everyday is a war for me.

Runny nose and shopping addiction

It feels so uncool to talk in front of your juniors when you have a funny voice and tissues covering your runny nose. People get sick because of the weather. The weather here is so unpredictable. First we have the minor migration of haze from Indonesia, which made the sky went all cloudy for almost two weeks. The following week, the sun went up and I tell you, the heat in Borneo is just wow, I think I can fried an egg under the smoking hot sun. Last week, it went all rainy and the day always start with cold morning. I am trying my best to get up every morning to work because this kind of perfection don't always happen here. My friend catches cold because of this weather and now it's my turn to have my nose covered with tissues all the time. I need my hot tea to get through this cold. 

As all of you knew, or maybe not, I am working at a store in my previous school; the one where I went for my high school, not my pre university. At first, I was a bit unsure to start working again but my friend need to someone to replace her partner because she can not survive there all by herself feeding these starving students. Since I am currently unemployed so why not? We get a small allowances but it's okay, we get free foods and drinks there. Oh look how time flies, I am now in my third month of working. Free foods are everywhere which means I suck in everything edible. Believe it or not, I am not doing any cardio, running or drinking smoothies over the past few months. I am in a danger zone right now because I don't think I could save myself from consuming those high-salt/sugar-contained foods. But I still drink my detox smoothies so it's okay(?). As long as I stick to my smoothies routine, I know I will back on track right after I'm done working.

I have this new addiction or should I call it a 'habit', which is browsing online shopping website every time before I get to bed cos I'm afraid that I might missed any sale or huge clearance. I ordered shoes and bags mostly. When I checked my bank account the other day, it went down to the numbers that I was least expected. I was in shocked and terrified. I gotta stop. I seriously need to stop cos I am not from a loaded family. So I need to save up because those numbers get worst. Just because I am working it doesn't mean I could spend everything I want, right?

That's all for now. Toodles!

I should've known...

I don't have to open my mouth to kill every silences
I don't need to force a laugh at someone's terrible jokes
I don't have to know/think how people see in me

All my attentions
All my tears
All my feelings
All my loves
All my happiness

I deserve every bit of them
I deserve to be happy
I deserve to be adore

If I just let myself
love myself
more than I love everyone

but
there's nothing wrong
looking after someone you really care about
asking them "are you okay?"
hoping that you could make their day
by putting a smile on their face
and deep down
you hope that they will make the same thing on you
because you know
you deserve that

but why
why I never felt loved
like the love I gave to everyone

I should've known this;being too nice is not for me

I had my hair cut yesterday.

Yoghurt kind of day

Today I spent most my time eating yoghurt. Cos yoghurt have something that makes me feeling a little bit chilly. I am not being me lately. No more the 'organise-Chalen'. Sucks a lot because I have trouble in managing my time. This is not shocking for me but it has been almost a month. I slept at dawn, I eat chips as my first meal at 11am almost every day, I skip dinner, I don't drink enough water, I even skipped my morning shower, I'm not on track with my healthy routine and worst of all, I am not being 'nice'to anyone lately except for my sister. Yelling is pretty much an easy thing to do compare to talking nicely now. I did a lot of yelling at my parents lately. I think I even made my mum cries in her room. I'm sorry mum, I didn't mean any of it. I wish I could just say it out without yelling at you. I wasn't angry at you. I don't know why I did that. I don't know what's happening. I don't even know what I want to know. 

Almost two

I hit the ground

I crashed everything

My soul flew away

The rain drops 

Hit me so hard

My body is freezing

My hands are shaking

But I didn't felt a thing

No pain

No nothing

Is this what it felt to be lifeless

I'm not okay.

I always get myself into trouble(s). I always do. And I'm sick of it. I don't know why I find the idea of having lots of people around you could bring you happiness. Don't ask me why, I just don't know. It annoys me when I do that unconsciously. It annoys me when I complain a lot. It annoys me when I'm feeling annoying. 

Some days, I feel so grateful for everything I had. Some days, I wished I got hit by a car and cry at my own funeral cos I feel worthless and useless. 

I crave for attention most of the time and this is the main reason I get into lots of disappointment. I hate myself but at the same time I don't. I want to be better. Its not okay to feel like this and its okay try harder to be better person. I have lots of questions in my head and I know where to get all the answers but I'm just too scared to seek for it. 

I'm not strong as you think I am. I'm not happy as you see me laughing and smiling without reasons. I'm not the person as you think I am. I'm not being me. I'm lost. I don't like the kind of person I am at this moment. I'm not saying I am not being myself. I don't feel this is me. This is not me. This is not fun side of me. This is the part of me where I will feel lost all the time and ends up 24/7 in my room. You don't know what you want but when you try to make a list about it, you don't know where to start. It's really suck when you feel trashy about yourself. 

Yes, I do realize that there are more people out there with big problems and it doesn't mean mine is not. "I need space" This shit I always tell myself but never really do it. I have tons of things that I wanted to do. I want to start sketching again. I want to improve my cooking. I want to get myself fit again. I want to run. I want a running shoe. I want brothers to be at home on the weekend. I want to watch late night movies with my sister again. I want to meet my best friends. And the most, I want my dog back. I want Jabo.

Right now, I am full anger. I am angry at my sister for being too busy with her school. I am angry at my dad because he can't quit smoking. I am angry at the social network because everyone is sharing their perfect life on it and made me feel pathetic about myself. I am angry at those people who pretend to be happy with their life and made me jealous with their two-sided lifes because there's nothing to be jealous about with these kind of people. I am angry at those people who have high expectation on me. I am angry at those people who made me think that I am important but actually have zero care about things I'm doing. I am so angry designer labels for being so pricey and I am too poor to get one of them. I am angry at myself because I am wasting 70% of my life giving shit about people life. 

It's really difficult to say this out loud. It's not easy to be one with complicated thoughts. They try to stop but it get worst.

Lost and never found

Where is everyone when I need them?

I can never get used to this.

Every time I log in my facebook, I would always visit your wall. Then, cry and cry like I always do. I try not to but I can't. This always happens at home when I am all by myself. I never try to do this in public because I cannot promise myself not to tears. I know this is not a good thing to do but thats the only way I can feel myself connected to you, Pru. I'm sorry I put your, I mean our text messages on private box in my phone, it's all gone now. I used an apps to make it as private conversation. When I uninstall it, it just disappear. I can't look for it anymore. And again, I did something stupid.
I miss you Pru. I still cannot believe you're not here with everyone, with us, with me. I miss calling you. I miss talking to you. I miss your presence. I miss your positive vibes the most.

three hundred seconds conversation

Last night was a tough night. Ann and I went working as a part time at a hotel as a banquet server. We were so lucky because last night function was a jungle theme dinner. Interesting, right? The whole ballroom was covered with tree branches, dead leaves were all over the ground and it was pretty dark. They used led light and some other lights to make the surrounding looks a lot like a jungle at night. Every guest were dressed up according it's theme. 

We were told by the manager that tonight we will not be paid because this is our first time and take it as our training session. Training session means we will be given partner to guide us while serving a table. But our partner will do most the important works and we will learn all the things we must know by observing them. I had a little experience before working part time as a caterer during raya so I guess I know some of the basics. Tbh guys, I don't really work for the money, but I'm dying for those experience. Serving banquet in a five stars hotel, this should be in my bucketlist. It was exhausting because everything must be done in a minute. Running in our half-inch-heels for hours was killing my feet. I think almost died when my partner ask me to get clean plates from the kitchen when this girl accidentally stepped on my foot with her heels on. Thank God I didn't shout, it would have been embarrassing.

Before we started our training, I met this guy. Idk if he is a friend or just someone I knew. We bumped into each other at the hallway. He was working there too. So we talk for a moment. He was cute. And our conversation made me smile the whole time and I think the guests in my table caught me smiling and freaked out a little. I don't know why but I hope will meet again in the future. I just hope we will.

Before the night ends, our manager told us we can go home at eleven. Finally we can go home earlier. While waiting for our car, Ann and I had little talk. I really miss talking with Ann. We always have something common on each other. I like that cos that's what makes me comfy talking to her. It feels calm and lighter after had those little talks with her. I'm just glad she's here. Just glad. 

Pre University Graduation.

Everyone has been waiting for this day. The day we all have been worth waiting for, Graduation Day. Thank God we all have passed our STPM with flying colors. I want to thank everyone who had been there for me till my final exam. The teachers had been working so hard on us although we throw some harsh comments on them or made lots of arguments with them on some cases. Sorry for being so stubborn but thanks a million for always pushing us till we reach the top. My amazing family too did a great job for me, they were always there giving support, comfort and advises, especially my brothers and sister. My dearest friends, especially my girls(sometimes I refer them as soriots), tbh I can never achieve my goal for STPM without you girls. They did so many amazing things for me and I will never forget that. You girls are my most effective motivations, greatest supporters, happy pills and not to forget my best alarm clocks when I get my head on the table during classes. My Pre-U companions too, you guys has been rocking the Pre U class of '12/13. We just made a great moment with the teachers and school. And last but not least, thank you God the great for always giving the strength to against everything that brings me down. I never stop myself from loving and believing in You.

This last one and half year has been such an incredible moment for me. Now those precious moment has become an unforgettable memories. I had experience the most bitter and sweet side of myself and what can I say now? I guess the found the real me. I never been this confident before. Life is getting better and better each year. Thank you dear self for not giving up till now.

  

six birthday candles for two kids

We had a small party at my brother's new house. Ciara and Cyrus was celebrating their birthdays. Ciara is finally 4 years old and Cyrus is turning to 2 years old. My babies are all growing happily. The other two little kids are my nephews, Dave and Sneijder. Yes, their named them after his favourite football player. We had a great time that night.