Life has it bad days but that's what bring us to the good days.

"Are you sure? One of us will get hurt." When you asked this, I immediately know I was damn sure for you.

Hello readers. It's been a while since I wrote something here. Blogger used to be my safe space to journal everything and anything. I have not been active because I found other coping mechanism for those 'everything and anything'. I journal on an actual book, I have two of them by now, I also have a reliable support system and getting professional help for my previous situation (the diagnosis). Proudly announcing that I am so much better at where I am now; mentally and physically. Well, physically is quite 50-50 because I just recovered from UTI. Yeah, what a 2022! It's such a hella year for me for visiting the hospital more than previous year - shit, that's shows a lot of my age geez. 

There are tons to update here but I am just going to be direct and hmm probably bare and unapologetic as well. I have been enjoying living my life as the main character for the past 12 months and damn, it felt so good bringing out that person inside me; little by little exploring the world and also discovering many parts of myself. I had this privilege to explore this main character of me because of the nature of my current new job. Yes, I am on my second career! The decision that I never thought I would ever take on pandemic years. But yay, I made it and landed to a more challenging and mind-stretching career, in a good and nurturing way of course. I don't really like talking about my work but I could share it on a surface level. It involved me to engaged with people and situations that are beyond my comfort zones, I mean beyond is like way out from the usual non-profit work. I will not deny some days and nights felt like it is taking so much of my mental headspace. I even had a few attempts to leave but I kept holding on to it because life is full of surprises. From "I can't do/take this anymore" to "I finally did it" and so many more small wins, growths and resiliency has built up inside of me, I could never be so proud of myself for progressing this far. Of course there were trials and errors but my support systems were always there. I even stick to my therapist and made a consistent journal routine. Plus, I never thought I would say this but the healthy and positive-nurturing-vibe algorithm in TikTok kept me going. Thank you Internet! What's more interesting about my job is that I am all by myself where I get to learn how to make immediate decision and critical-thinking to represent my organisation in the state. I do have my colleagues but they are all in different states. Again, Internet help us to connect and maintain the teamwork virtually. 

You could probably guess where this is heading - being on my own most of the time made me felt more daring to pull out that main character in me. What I am referring on the main character here is the person in me that has been layered with trauma, insecurity and others factors that kept her hidden within. It wasn't easy to liberate that side of me but it took me one step at a time. It was terrifying at first but as I realised that people are more self-centered compare to what I think they might think of me/others - trust me bestie, no one cares more than you care about yourself, might just as well do whatever you want in your life. So that's how I got my mouse-moment and outfit check video content started. I even brace myself sharing bits of my mental health routine and best practices openly to my small circle. I hope I get the courage to share it to bigger crowd. What kept me going for making these videos are how I am reminded that I am genuinely happy at that exact moment and carefree. I enjoy seeing myself being the happiest. It's such a beautiful and calming feeling looking at how far I have gone through to get this far which kept me grounded and keep going. 

Of course the past 12 months were not always rainbows and sunshine, I also went through stormy rain and drowned myself few times into the ocean. My worst anxiety attack was in 2021 which got me into a car accident. I never felt so woke after the incident. Anyway, I am still struggling on the same thing that I have been writing here; that pitch-black emptiness. I still long for a connection that fills the void in me. But it is much cope-able now, I try to fill it with self-assurance and lots of gentle and slow love. I know it sound cliche but at the end of the day, you only have yourself. That's how I have been coping day and night. I am trying my best not to overthink about it because damn, overthinking is my worst enemy. This is something that my therapist and I could talk for hours which always maximized her professional therapy duration. 

That longing for connection has been challenged lately, like super challenged when I put myself out there - I can't believe I am writing it here but I started actively going out to dates. It was the most uncomfortable thing I ever did in my life, second to my current job. I didn't do it because of peer pressure or anything but there was this moment of ah-hah! in one of my flight home, where I just realised I may want to do something with all this overwhelming love in me. I have it so much for myself and I realised maybe it is time to share it with others (only to know not everyone deserved this!). Yes, I have lots of interesting dates and just mehh ones, but that's just trial and errors that I will laugh at in the future (which I already am). 

Along this journey, I made a friend that I grow very fondly in a very unrealistic way. I never see myself the way I am now after crossing path with this person. I realised I had to take a lot of courage and even risk to let someone be part of my life. For example, I am not sure what I am doing with this one and what's worst is that I don't even have any idea where we are heading. To be honest, I suffocated quite a while to figure myself where I am going with this person that I just couldn't understand why did I even took the risk in the first place. For someone who experienced so much of pain from situationships in the past, I really couldn't handle for another one that I know I will only get hurt without a fucking closure. My mind is telling me that I deserve more than just another uncertainty but my heart simply told me to take a risk for this person. 

When he said "Are you sure? One of us will get hurt" and by the time I heard this line that rhythm exactly what's in my heart, for once in my life, I immediately know I was damn sure to take that risk. Now this person made felt so easy to just co-exist with him. I don't even need to pour my heart all out for you and you always remind me to prioritize myself more. Being this uncertain never felt so certain, I never felt this way before - where something that doesn't gives you clarity but you just can't get enough from the person. Maybe the risk can come after this but for now I just want to go with the flow. 

It is so easy for me to take a step back from this but I choose to stay. For once in my life, I want to be selfish but I am not sure if this is even a selfish action because for what I know now is that I want you to feel whole and content for yourself. I always see the potential of others but as I unlearn that toxic trait, I see how big your heart is for the people around you and that's what I adore about you the most. You have a big heart and that what's kept me feeling warm next to you and I want it to stay that way. 

Honestly I don't even know where I am heading with this entry but all I know is that I'm at the state of loving and living life unapologetically and bare, just the way my heart wants it to be. I am glad I decided to write something tonight, this really helps to make some space in my head. I know I have my people and physical journal but it just nice to be back here. I wanna keep this blog alive as I go through life. Also, I have travelled quite more than I expected. I am very happy for this small and big wins. I really am - truly beyond grateful for what I made myself do. I didn't hold anything in life and I strive to do more in the coming days, months and years. And I hope you are doing the best for yourself too! 

Cheers to living unapologetic life - together!

"Who do you see yourself?"

 This question got me at blank state. Few weeks ago, I was able to nail this question. One of the interviewee gave me amazing feedback "It's really great to talk with you - you're precise and determine. You came well-prepared". It got me really high made me living the best version of myself - so I thought. 

A friend asked me the same question at my depressive episode, I can't even think of anything but my mental illness. Funny how I thought I have finally accepted who I am yet there's nothing I could think of but the blockages I have been dealing with for the past few days. I felt unworthy, I don't feel belonged to the ground that I am standing up. The reality is that I cannot even face myself as I am. I let myself drowning, hoping that someone will jump in the water and pull me out. For many years in teenage life and young adult, I have been praying for someone to come and save me. Fuck I am so vulnerable writing this. To be honest, I can only write this piece when I am depressed or anything that puts me at the scale of one. Maybe this is why I have been avoiding writing - I write nothing but my vulnerability. 

Years and years I thought I am just a girl who long for genuine love from another person, but I never even try to love myself. It's always a love-hate battle for me. I do not even dare to look inside of me - I may or may not move on from my childhood trauma but I am still unable to accept that it cause me to be this person. A person who can't feel love yet been giving so much love for others and still hurts those who matter the most. I have anger management issues and this shit has been happening a lot at home where I will throw my tantrum to my parents. What an ungrateful child, my parents had to deal a lot with my depressive episodes. They have been covering me up from external shit, get things done for me and I still throw my shit at them. I love my parents so much and especially at their age - they shouldn't be dealing with my BPD episodes. 

Back in July, I was diagnosed with hypomania, bipolar II and borderline personality disorder. Not a single day I try to deny that these are not me. Everything went worst and I thought of ending my life. My suicidal ideation drastically went up and faking an accident doesn't seem so hard especially when giant trucks are always around your neighborhood. Yet I battled the ideation every fucking day because I know my mother couldn't handle it and my father will never be the same person if he knew it was suicide-accident. They were my source of strength everyday and I pray to God I will always love you as much as they kept being strong for me. I praying everyday that I can show my love and not throwing such fuckery to them. If I was able to go through the day without throwing my shit over them, damn that's a huge success for me. Small win yet it count.

Everyday I am living to proof myself that I can do this, I can do more than just living. I am trying and progressing. I trust myself more than ever. Eventhough my BPD is still on-going, I trust myself that I will make the most out of it even without medication (took once but it had side effect to me). I also suspecting that I have eyes problem - I need to check but knowing the possibility for me to have glaucoma scares me to death. I know I am avoiding but I pulling my shit as much as I can. 

I believe I am a fighter that living her reality and trust every bits of myself that I am capable and loveable. Yes, this is who I see myself. I trust the little fighter in me, everyday and every moment. 

I am a fighter of the reality.

"You're mad but you're more than that"

I want to leave a message to the people visiting my blog today or whatever day it is...

Before you scroll further, know that every writings were the emotions and feelings that were long hidden in my heart and mind. Some entries were written at my best and I bet you could tell that most of them were from my depressive episodes which both, I was not even aware of. 

Everything are going surface now. Everything are happening too fast that I can't even remember when was the last time I was consciously breathing. Every breath and sight feels so real now. All emotions and feelings went fucking real so fast. What do I meant by real and fast? I am referring everything that are happening around me feels so fucking real and it give me new level of self-awareness.

My manic and depressive episodes never felt this valid before. Yes, fuck yes - I am more than what I was diagnosed. I am far ahead from the past that caged and trapped my life. Again, everything felt so fast and fuck, real. The unexplained turbulence of emotions within me never felt this harsh and I am not even sure I am saying it in a denial state or whatever the fuck is now.

The help that I thought could've bring me forward just broke the shit out of me. I had my hope all high and it only got me low. Now I am not sure if I seeking for professional help would be a step that I would continue further. But this doesn't stop me from swimming to the surface - this is part of the many process that would try to bring me down but shit I will not.

It's amazing how depressed I got and went up all fired up to understand my symptoms and traits. Tell you what? It's not that 'comfortable' anymore once you understand your symptoms and traits - in my case, not 100% got it crystal clear but it gives me pain and some thinking that I am still processing. It feels a lot worst and shittier than I ever imagined.

I wasn't happy when I was diagnosed with those symptoms and traits - yes, I was so pissed that I stop being genuine to the psychiatrist at the final 30 minutes. "Okay - that's it. I outta here"

I can't fucking handle it. I know I sound so unsatisfied right now but this is just how feel and I have the right to (still) feel upset and mad about it. Listening to podcast from therapist and people who work in this area, actually helped me to move forward. 

Their podcast and insight does triggers the shit out me. So many triggers that got me all drained out and feel it's worthless to carry on. But curiosity to unfold myself behind all the trauma and past experiences I had, is way stronger than the shitty fear.

Hence, dear readers or visitors - this is the side of Cherlanne that only 1 out of 8 people ever knew or I allow myself to open up. Please note that if this limits your relationship with me, so be it. I know what I need in my life and if you can't accept the experience and point of views I am expressing, the doors are wide open. 

"Dear voices in my head"

Stop - just stop.

I am more than the voice in my head. I am stronger than the loud noises that suffocate me into the unbearable heavy thoughts. You do not own me - my emotions, my trauma and the person I have become now. I did not let the past hold on to me, neither does you. 

Stop - just stop.

With every tears I had silently in the darkest night, I had enough. There were too much exhaustion and overwhelms that I no longer felt alone. You have accompanied me in the emptiness that you never able to fix. I never asked for your voices, I did not ask for noises that dragged me into the past.

Stop - just stop.

I know my own voices. I'm heading there - I am voicing out and speaking up for myself and hoping for all the people experience darkest traumatic incident in their life able to embrace the trauma and progress towards their full potential.

No - you can't stop me.

You never once own me or hold me back. I am consciously reaching out. Watch me - watch me crushing those walls and journeying that painful 21 years wound, with my inner child. 

No - you can't stop me.

My strong intense emotions, they are stronger than anything else in me. I pride my emotions for the person I am now. Your voice is no match for my emotions.

No - you can't stop me.

As the voices get louder, the more resilience I will be. No looking back, no twisted thoughts and no doubting my potential.

Stop trying to stop me

Because I grew to a strong lady with unbeatable emotion and embrace a genuine vulnerability.

So, stop dear voices in my head; let's be friend with each other and journey to see what the future hold for us. 

 

How has it been?

As far as I could remember, I have not been giving effort in writing my blog. I use to be so excited to write when I have good set of thoughts in my head, strong feelings or something big happened on the day. A lot of crazy things has been happening for the past eight months - feelings, tears, adrenaline rush, butterflies in stomach, stupidity, clumsiness and every ups and downs. Basically I am doing great.

Am I?

Here's a thing that's no longer a secret - I have not been mentally great. Yes, I have not. I was not being kind to my thoughts and mental. I'm mentally sick - not trying to get attention, no fucking such things. I suffer every nights, every fucking night from holding my heavy breath, tears and my eagerness to scream. Especially when I am working outstation which I'll be sharing room with my colleagues and volunteers. The pressure of giving proper or good example to your clients and volunteers made everything worst. I thought I will get use to this but fuck no. I can't - my body is draining out. My passion in my work, I can feel it's getting weak and I am starting to feel unhappy about this. But what could go worst when you starting to accept it? I can feel my head is starting to accept this weak interest over my work. Is this normal? It has not even been a year. I am avoiding conversation, denying my trauma, preventing myself from others' closure, creating boundaries and isolating myself. This is not me - well, since when you ever confronted your trauma and genuinely opening up yourself to someone?

On the second thought, I figured that this might be a beginning of myself to embrace the little spot of darkness inside me. Maybe, just maybe, I am slowly attempting to confront my childhood trauma but I fear the external shits - people. They will see how weak and hypocrite I was and am. Knowing the real me, I doubt my friends will stay.

Deep inside, I don't really care of all the above - but I can't predict if I will able to handle all the confrontation and the output of my mentality. Can I stand of these?

What exactly happen to you dear self? What happen?

You know this is going to happen - you knew it already. You knew.

You knew.