Before you scroll further, know that every writings were the emotions and feelings that were long hidden in my heart and mind. Some entries were written at my best and I bet you could tell that most of them were from my depressive episodes which both, I was not even aware of.
Everything are going surface now. Everything are happening too fast that I can't even remember when was the last time I was consciously breathing. Every breath and sight feels so real now. All emotions and feelings went fucking real so fast. What do I meant by real and fast? I am referring everything that are happening around me feels so fucking real and it give me new level of self-awareness.
My manic and depressive episodes never felt this valid before. Yes, fuck yes - I am more than what I was diagnosed. I am far ahead from the past that caged and trapped my life. Again, everything felt so fast and fuck, real. The unexplained turbulence of emotions within me never felt this harsh and I am not even sure I am saying it in a denial state or whatever the fuck is now.
The help that I thought could've bring me forward just broke the shit out of me. I had my hope all high and it only got me low. Now I am not sure if I seeking for professional help would be a step that I would continue further. But this doesn't stop me from swimming to the surface - this is part of the many process that would try to bring me down but shit I will not.
It's amazing how depressed I got and went up all fired up to understand my symptoms and traits. Tell you what? It's not that 'comfortable' anymore once you understand your symptoms and traits - in my case, not 100% got it crystal clear but it gives me pain and some thinking that I am still processing. It feels a lot worst and shittier than I ever imagined.
I wasn't happy when I was diagnosed with those symptoms and traits - yes, I was so pissed that I stop being genuine to the psychiatrist at the final 30 minutes. "Okay - that's it. I outta here"
I can't fucking handle it. I know I sound so unsatisfied right now but this is just how feel and I have the right to (still) feel upset and mad about it. Listening to podcast from therapist and people who work in this area, actually helped me to move forward.
Their podcast and insight does triggers the shit out me. So many triggers that got me all drained out and feel it's worthless to carry on. But curiosity to unfold myself behind all the trauma and past experiences I had, is way stronger than the shitty fear.
Hence, dear readers or visitors - this is the side of Cherlanne that only 1 out of 8 people ever knew or I allow myself to open up. Please note that if this limits your relationship with me, so be it. I know what I need in my life and if you can't accept the experience and point of views I am expressing, the doors are wide open.
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