"Are you sure? One of us will get hurt." When you asked this, I immediately know I was damn sure for you.
Hello readers. It's been a while since I wrote something here. Blogger used to be my safe space to journal everything and anything. I have not been active because I found other coping mechanism for those 'everything and anything'. I journal on an actual book, I have two of them by now, I also have a reliable support system and getting professional help for my previous situation (the diagnosis). Proudly announcing that I am so much better at where I am now; mentally and physically. Well, physically is quite 50-50 because I just recovered from UTI. Yeah, what a 2022! It's such a hella year for me for visiting the hospital more than previous year - shit, that's shows a lot of my age geez.
There are tons to update here but I am just going to be direct and hmm probably bare and unapologetic as well. I have been enjoying living my life as the main character for the past 12 months and damn, it felt so good bringing out that person inside me; little by little exploring the world and also discovering many parts of myself. I had this privilege to explore this main character of me because of the nature of my current new job. Yes, I am on my second career! The decision that I never thought I would ever take on pandemic years. But yay, I made it and landed to a more challenging and mind-stretching career, in a good and nurturing way of course. I don't really like talking about my work but I could share it on a surface level. It involved me to engaged with people and situations that are beyond my comfort zones, I mean beyond is like way out from the usual non-profit work. I will not deny some days and nights felt like it is taking so much of my mental headspace. I even had a few attempts to leave but I kept holding on to it because life is full of surprises. From "I can't do/take this anymore" to "I finally did it" and so many more small wins, growths and resiliency has built up inside of me, I could never be so proud of myself for progressing this far. Of course there were trials and errors but my support systems were always there. I even stick to my therapist and made a consistent journal routine. Plus, I never thought I would say this but the healthy and positive-nurturing-vibe algorithm in TikTok kept me going. Thank you Internet! What's more interesting about my job is that I am all by myself where I get to learn how to make immediate decision and critical-thinking to represent my organisation in the state. I do have my colleagues but they are all in different states. Again, Internet help us to connect and maintain the teamwork virtually.
You could probably guess where this is heading - being on my own most of the time made me felt more daring to pull out that main character in me. What I am referring on the main character here is the person in me that has been layered with trauma, insecurity and others factors that kept her hidden within. It wasn't easy to liberate that side of me but it took me one step at a time. It was terrifying at first but as I realised that people are more self-centered compare to what I think they might think of me/others - trust me bestie, no one cares more than you care about yourself, might just as well do whatever you want in your life. So that's how I got my mouse-moment and outfit check video content started. I even brace myself sharing bits of my mental health routine and best practices openly to my small circle. I hope I get the courage to share it to bigger crowd. What kept me going for making these videos are how I am reminded that I am genuinely happy at that exact moment and carefree. I enjoy seeing myself being the happiest. It's such a beautiful and calming feeling looking at how far I have gone through to get this far which kept me grounded and keep going.
Of course the past 12 months were not always rainbows and sunshine, I also went through stormy rain and drowned myself few times into the ocean. My worst anxiety attack was in 2021 which got me into a car accident. I never felt so woke after the incident. Anyway, I am still struggling on the same thing that I have been writing here; that pitch-black emptiness. I still long for a connection that fills the void in me. But it is much cope-able now, I try to fill it with self-assurance and lots of gentle and slow love. I know it sound cliche but at the end of the day, you only have yourself. That's how I have been coping day and night. I am trying my best not to overthink about it because damn, overthinking is my worst enemy. This is something that my therapist and I could talk for hours which always maximized her professional therapy duration.
That longing for connection has been challenged lately, like super challenged when I put myself out there - I can't believe I am writing it here but I started actively going out to dates. It was the most uncomfortable thing I ever did in my life, second to my current job. I didn't do it because of peer pressure or anything but there was this moment of ah-hah! in one of my flight home, where I just realised I may want to do something with all this overwhelming love in me. I have it so much for myself and I realised maybe it is time to share it with others (only to know not everyone deserved this!). Yes, I have lots of interesting dates and just mehh ones, but that's just trial and errors that I will laugh at in the future (which I already am).
Along this journey, I made a friend that I grow very fondly in a very unrealistic way. I never see myself the way I am now after crossing path with this person. I realised I had to take a lot of courage and even risk to let someone be part of my life. For example, I am not sure what I am doing with this one and what's worst is that I don't even have any idea where we are heading. To be honest, I suffocated quite a while to figure myself where I am going with this person that I just couldn't understand why did I even took the risk in the first place. For someone who experienced so much of pain from situationships in the past, I really couldn't handle for another one that I know I will only get hurt without a fucking closure. My mind is telling me that I deserve more than just another uncertainty but my heart simply told me to take a risk for this person.
When he said "Are you sure? One of us will get hurt" and by the time I heard this line that rhythm exactly what's in my heart, for once in my life, I immediately know I was damn sure to take that risk. Now this person made felt so easy to just co-exist with him. I don't even need to pour my heart all out for you and you always remind me to prioritize myself more. Being this uncertain never felt so certain, I never felt this way before - where something that doesn't gives you clarity but you just can't get enough from the person. Maybe the risk can come after this but for now I just want to go with the flow.
It is so easy for me to take a step back from this but I choose to stay. For once in my life, I want to be selfish but I am not sure if this is even a selfish action because for what I know now is that I want you to feel whole and content for yourself. I always see the potential of others but as I unlearn that toxic trait, I see how big your heart is for the people around you and that's what I adore about you the most. You have a big heart and that what's kept me feeling warm next to you and I want it to stay that way.
Honestly I don't even know where I am heading with this entry but all I know is that I'm at the state of loving and living life unapologetically and bare, just the way my heart wants it to be. I am glad I decided to write something tonight, this really helps to make some space in my head. I know I have my people and physical journal but it just nice to be back here. I wanna keep this blog alive as I go through life. Also, I have travelled quite more than I expected. I am very happy for this small and big wins. I really am - truly beyond grateful for what I made myself do. I didn't hold anything in life and I strive to do more in the coming days, months and years. And I hope you are doing the best for yourself too!
Cheers to living unapologetic life - together!
