How has it been?

As far as I could remember, I have not been giving effort in writing my blog. I use to be so excited to write when I have good set of thoughts in my head, strong feelings or something big happened on the day. A lot of crazy things has been happening for the past eight months - feelings, tears, adrenaline rush, butterflies in stomach, stupidity, clumsiness and every ups and downs. Basically I am doing great.

Am I?

Here's a thing that's no longer a secret - I have not been mentally great. Yes, I have not. I was not being kind to my thoughts and mental. I'm mentally sick - not trying to get attention, no fucking such things. I suffer every nights, every fucking night from holding my heavy breath, tears and my eagerness to scream. Especially when I am working outstation which I'll be sharing room with my colleagues and volunteers. The pressure of giving proper or good example to your clients and volunteers made everything worst. I thought I will get use to this but fuck no. I can't - my body is draining out. My passion in my work, I can feel it's getting weak and I am starting to feel unhappy about this. But what could go worst when you starting to accept it? I can feel my head is starting to accept this weak interest over my work. Is this normal? It has not even been a year. I am avoiding conversation, denying my trauma, preventing myself from others' closure, creating boundaries and isolating myself. This is not me - well, since when you ever confronted your trauma and genuinely opening up yourself to someone?

On the second thought, I figured that this might be a beginning of myself to embrace the little spot of darkness inside me. Maybe, just maybe, I am slowly attempting to confront my childhood trauma but I fear the external shits - people. They will see how weak and hypocrite I was and am. Knowing the real me, I doubt my friends will stay.

Deep inside, I don't really care of all the above - but I can't predict if I will able to handle all the confrontation and the output of my mentality. Can I stand of these?

What exactly happen to you dear self? What happen?

You know this is going to happen - you knew it already. You knew.

You knew.