Look who's talking now?

I have to warn you. What I am about to spit out in this entry is all about fucked up things I have regrets in these past few months. I couldn't bear keeping it inside anymore and oh, if you feel like I'm talking about you, well, if the shoes fit, feel free to lace it up and wear it. 

I been way too much outta from my comfort zone. I sacrificed my time and energy for things I actually end up crying at night and wished I did any of those. You know what it feels like when you given your 200% energy for something and you were still ask to continue it again? I know it's a compliment for you because I did a good job (hell yeah, I did) and now they trust you because of it. To be honest, it's a mess inside of me working those things. 

I lose my best features; my sense of humor. Its very heartbreaking seeing the negativity vibes took over you slowly and breaking every inch of your bones and your soul is deeply hurt. Its not healthy for me. Its not. I don't want to lose myself doing things like this. I am a free soul; why should I get myself involved with such things? The worst thing I caught myself doing was I could hardly contacted my family at home. Each time my mum calls me, I'll be like "Sorry Ma, I'm in a meeting". Now thinking about it made me felt like the worst daughter ever. I can't imagine seeing myself behaving like that in the future. I can't. I just can't. I just couldn't calm the fuck out of me when things get so intense. Especially when have to move those ass to do work. Thank goodness not everyone need to be pushed over. 

Well, at least now I knew that field was not for me. For those who knows me well, it doesn't suits me, right? You see me coming to class like a retard zombie and I even got caught taking a nap in class, like what the fuck? It's so embarrassing. Worst is I skipped most of my classes and I have to deals with the low marks for my participation in class. This is not cool Chalen, not cool!

Like what I told my mum, its already passed. It's in the past. What's important is that you played your role well. Seriously, I did part and give out the best of me. I still have 2 months left for next semester involved this two committees. I shall do my best and end everything. I will let go and do new things. Maybe visit more part of Thailand next semester. 

Somehow, I did learnt so many things while doing all the paperwork, dealing with the people in office, managing different kind of people, stuck in random places and learn skills that you could never learn in class. With all the knowledge I gained, I'm more than grateful for it and will surely benefit myself from those experience. That's why everything happened for reasons. I trust God have put in this phase to help me discovering myself. I could how far I went and I am so grateful with this so-far-achievements. Now lets hope for more and better experiences.

For those who has supported me from the beginning till the end, I just want to let you know that I am very grateful for you boys and girls never left me out. Some of you have seen me crying, whining and say stupid things. I'm sorry to act such ways in front of you. I think a few of you realized that I am the type of person that always need, always, someone by my side. Another thing, I never actually realized I am that bossy that when it comes on giving orders to people. Also, I am sorry for those that have to go back and forth to pick me up and many stuffs that I asked for help. 

From the event that I'm doing, I learnt and finally accepted that 'change' is a constantly thing happening in our life. Ready or not, it will happen. After all the hard work, everyone needs big-fat hug. Oh boy, I'm sorry I misunderstood you. I have taken you in the wrong way. But, I was happy that you proved me wrong. I was great seeing you learning and gave your best. I just hope you won't get in the wrong path. And another thing, everyone have different history; somehow their history defined their future. I hope your history will remain a history and I think you should take a fresh start. And we both should start trusting people. I believe you have very pure innocent side behind that fucked face of yours which you were convincing me that you have a very poor reputation before. Well, I don't think you like that, at the moment. I hope you knew that I will always be here if you need help. I don't know if you realized it but I haven't returned your hair tie - well, I don't think you need it anyway. 

I have exams 3 days from now and I haven't start studied shit. Well, I actually did some notes but I still don't consider that as studying. I know where I stand. I am actually trying to keep my blog updated but writing an entry need my entire mind and heart to function together to write an entry. For your information, I have almost reach 2K views for my blog. This is amazayn! Thank you lovelies readers! When I reached my 2K views, I promise I will a appreciation vlog for you guys.

Alright, I guess that's all for today. Toodles guys! 

When you're in 'that' phase again

I am in that 'discovering myself' phase again.

I used to know myself better than anyone does. But seems likely now, I couldn't even make my own decision. I keep on asking everyone permissions and approvals on everything that I do. I know it's good to ask others' opinion, but if you do too much, it's not okay. 

Here's a thing I want to share a few things that has been happening on me these past few weeks. Back then, I always trusted God to help in everything I did, even till this moment. I keep on surrendering the things I can't handle to God, I let Him do the rest of my work and I can proudly say this, He kept His words. Everything went so well, way better than I expected. But then, now, it seems like I'm letting Him does everything; even the small things. I realized He hasn't been 'answering' me lately-probably I should say not yet. I didn't expect this but it hurts so much. I'm telling you a real thing here, it hurts so much than being ignored by your friends.Because of that, I, without thinking too much, stupidly controlled myself from praying on asking Him too much. I was scared of asking too much. As I did those, I felt a bit lost. I keep forgetting things. I overthink, I don't walk my talk and I depend too much on others. I always think I should take over be in control of many situations. I judge others, I criticized them, I compare how good I am than them. I even dig their past and even use others to benefit myself. I am being so negative about my surrounding. I tell people to stay positive themselves bu the fact is I am being the most negative person. I end up accusing people for hating me but when I think now, they're actually not. All these things, I still pray to Him. What a hypocrite person I am. I pretend everything was perfect when it was definitely not. I cried each night but still don't make an effort to stop it all. I am not a good child, dear God. I am so sorry. See? I am doing it all over again. I shouldn't be sorry for this. 

We had a spiritual camp last week; three days two nights. It was an amazing camp. It really was. I am so glad my team did awesome work. But, I was kind of lost a few slots in that camp. I thirst for God's love. I almost felt His touch but yet, it felt too far. On the final day of the camp, I went to St Anne old church's building. I sat there with a few people. I wanted to stay longer but I want to be in a perfect alone environment. I know I shouldn't be selfish, but that time I was being so selfish that I only wanted Him all by myself. I know God's love is for everyone, but I couldn't help myself for wanting Him just for me. I walk out from the church as a few people coming in. It was such a waste because I didn't really pray, I just sat there-stare blindly at the altar. I felt like there is a distance. A fine line between me and God. I didn't feel calm. And worst, I force myself to be calm. I was in tears but I don't know why. I walk out and that's it. I just missed my opportunity with God just like that. 

My head keep on haunting me with these questions; how to love myself again? How to keep myself strong as I used to be? How can others be so strong looking at me like this? I am not as perfect as they see me, I am not happy and all cheerful as people see me, I am not that bold and strong as you me talking. I act and trying hard to be as tough as you wanted me to be. I just want to be belong to your expectations. I am trying to reach out the level you had set me up. I not proud of who I am. I may be capable of doing it but the point is does it content me? Does it make me happy? 

Letting everything go just like is the easiest thing to do now you know. Walking away just like that is the thing that I really really want to do. I could just gave up like that you know. But I still choose the hard way. Keeping it altogether, I still trust God on this.

I am occupied with a lot of things but I know I still can cope with this. Don't take me in the wrong way, I still love Him. I just miss Him that's just it. I could only promise myself to find my way back to Him. Dear Father, once again, help me. Amen.

3rd Anniversary

It's been three years since my dearest best friend departed. I miss you so much it hurt. I hope you're doing well up in heaven. Oh well, of course you are. You are rested in the hands of the Lord :)

All these years, I still had the thought of giving you a call or send random text. Why? Because I could never stop myself from picturing you're still here. And there are times when I hope that one of my blog viewer is you. Haha crazy but seriously I miss you so much.

The feeling of not having you here is very obvious and I will never know how to move on from that(and I don't want to) .

I miss Prudence Pearl Manih so much. May you rest well and I will see you in another life ❤

Deeper connection.

Another year has passed. Like the usual, I will always make an entry on a summary-kinda-post after a year has come to an end. Well, for me, 2015 was bitter sweet. My memories in 2015 made me felt contented with all the fun stuffs I have done so much in just a year. I successfully got out from my comfort zone. I'm proudly to say I managed to travel to new places this year. Some of my life bucket list were checked off. Quite a lot achievements unlocked such as I got my very first dean award for my second semester! Yayy 

I swear 2016 is going to extra amazing which I will have my very own passport. I'm going to treat myself with some adventures! But I won't be putting too much hopes on it. Lets just say, I'll go with the flow. I won't be making resolutions this year like I had always did in the previous years. I feel strictly bound to my own resolutions, its more like a rules and when you unable to accomplish it, I get slightly disappointed which is not a good feeling for me. 

Overall, I am thankful for 2015 for all the wonderful moments I had experienced. It taught me of acceptance of responsibility and letting go of the past. I learnt that I could not get everything in control. With the power, strength and blessings granted from God, I couldn't be more grateful than this for one great amazing year.

All I could say for my 2016 is I wish for more adventures and happiness for my family and I. Hopefully this year I will be granted a good wealth(spending management) and good health as well as good balance between work and studies. That's all I am wishing for this year. 

I wish all of my lovely readers to have a wonderful year ahead and lets live each second of life to the fullest. 

P/s: My blog's pageviews has reached more than 1.6k pageviews! I am truly happy having you all anonymously reading my page. Thank you lovelies ❤

Current mood = lost

I never felt so lost in my life till today. I forgot how it feels like to sit my study chair and not worry about tomorrow. Lately, I have gotten myself caught too much with the activities at college. I have engaged with many society and clubs here and it is very sad for me to say this that I'm kind of feeling quite regret about this decision. If you have seen my tweets, I was actually trying to work on gaining lots of experience and soft skills by joining the various society and club here in college. But its only been 2 months since I joined them and I am already starting to feel miserable on myself. I cannot focus on my daily goal - time management, assignment and revision for quizzes as well as mid-term exam. The worst of all, I cannot keep myself in a good shape - my diet, healthy body and my sleeping routine end up worst. I need caffeine in the morning to relax myself and boost my body to go through the day.

Two days ago I had a short revision on my English paper, which I did exactly 2 hours before my paper(it was a simple-basic-grammar-kind-of-paper),  then I had to search a bit information on the problem solution essays. My friends gave me tips that the essay will either on stress or obesity. I look through articles on obesity first. Then I continue on searching on stress. I started my reading o the academic essays on stress then when I turn to articles and blog based on true story, I could relate myself with the early symptoms of early stage depression among young adults. I never been so scared in my life reading a real shit from blogs and medication websites. I was telling myself that this is only me thinking too much(until now).

Since I was a kid, I never had no one to feel inspired with. I the achiever type of kid. I get inspire by actresses/actors in movies, characters in cartoon, my teachers and even my older siblings. I once got so inspired with my brother for getting into university and envy him for he able to travels a lot while studying. So, I use him as an example to push myself to achieve my goals. I am one of the kid that do not get what she/he want unless she/he work hard on it. For example, I got my first black and white screen mobile phone in my first year of high school because I work hard for it during my UPSR, the big shit we, Malaysian students, have to go through in our final year of primary school. As a carefree high spirited kid, I don't have any specific hobby, I always had different interests/hobbies. I went from singing(yes I joined a damn singing competition when I was in elementary school) and dancing to fishing to sketching, sewing, collecting bracelets, and making crafts to fangirling over one direction(is that even a hobby?), reading manga and watch anime to baking and travelling. Talking all of this stuffs makes me miss the way I used to be. A kid who used to be so creative and enjoy various interests.

I feel like I have so much burden on back and worries in my head. I could not fall asleep without thinking too much. Well, have I ever not think too much before fell asleep? 

To be honest, I don't practice what I preach recently. I don't take care of my health as I tell others to do so. I am now someone that rush myself to class every morning, I don't meditate before I jump from my bed, I don't smile on my reflection(I used to do it as self-help in aspect of confidence and as positive vibe), I don't pray before I sleep, I don't drink tea instead I drink coffee, I don't have time to do meditation, I don't watch motivational vlogs and I stopped listening to songs. I am scared, you know. I'm scared of losing behind. I often feel forgetful and I feel panic all the time. Its not good for my weak heart. I scared this will cause me pressure and depressed myself. I feel like quitting. But that is so not me. I don't take things half-way, I started it then I shall finish it. I grew up as an achiever, remember?

I may facing with more and more different kind of people these day. I get good and bad affect from them. I'm being quite emotionally sensitive lately on the way people treated me. I get so many unnecessary flashbacks due to their actions. Sometime it lower my self-esteem and I'll confuse myself. But I'm pushing those negative aura to a space that I won't give any shit unless it really concerned my life. I experience many love/hate situations recently. Those feelings surely made me feel something. Somehow I feel a bit grown up experiencing sort of stuffs. 

Above all the craps I mentioned before, I still have faith in me. God never fail me, so why do I have to feel so helpless in the fact that I am the only person that could help myself? No one would bring me down unless I let them. 

When I experience those sorts of things, I will force myself to check on my favorite vloggers on youtube to force myself to act self-help which I seriously need to do - laugh especially on Lilly's inspirational videos. I also read some mind refreshment articles in tinybuddha which is always helpful and inspiring.

I'm writing tonight because I feel out of control with this feeling and I cannot let this feeling grow wildly inside of me. For me, writing does help. It give me time to think more what stuffs I have problem on, lead me to calmness and express myself through words. This is not something I could just say to someone and expect them to understand, right? I may have talk on this matter on few people but I only talk it casually because I don't want them to worry too much.

Okay that's all for tonight. I'm having my final exam now and there are 3 papers left. So, boys and girls, wish me luck! Have a nice day.