Almost two

I hit the ground

I crashed everything

My soul flew away

The rain drops 

Hit me so hard

My body is freezing

My hands are shaking

But I didn't felt a thing

No pain

No nothing

Is this what it felt to be lifeless

I'm not okay.

I always get myself into trouble(s). I always do. And I'm sick of it. I don't know why I find the idea of having lots of people around you could bring you happiness. Don't ask me why, I just don't know. It annoys me when I do that unconsciously. It annoys me when I complain a lot. It annoys me when I'm feeling annoying. 

Some days, I feel so grateful for everything I had. Some days, I wished I got hit by a car and cry at my own funeral cos I feel worthless and useless. 

I crave for attention most of the time and this is the main reason I get into lots of disappointment. I hate myself but at the same time I don't. I want to be better. Its not okay to feel like this and its okay try harder to be better person. I have lots of questions in my head and I know where to get all the answers but I'm just too scared to seek for it. 

I'm not strong as you think I am. I'm not happy as you see me laughing and smiling without reasons. I'm not the person as you think I am. I'm not being me. I'm lost. I don't like the kind of person I am at this moment. I'm not saying I am not being myself. I don't feel this is me. This is not me. This is not fun side of me. This is the part of me where I will feel lost all the time and ends up 24/7 in my room. You don't know what you want but when you try to make a list about it, you don't know where to start. It's really suck when you feel trashy about yourself. 

Yes, I do realize that there are more people out there with big problems and it doesn't mean mine is not. "I need space" This shit I always tell myself but never really do it. I have tons of things that I wanted to do. I want to start sketching again. I want to improve my cooking. I want to get myself fit again. I want to run. I want a running shoe. I want brothers to be at home on the weekend. I want to watch late night movies with my sister again. I want to meet my best friends. And the most, I want my dog back. I want Jabo.

Right now, I am full anger. I am angry at my sister for being too busy with her school. I am angry at my dad because he can't quit smoking. I am angry at the social network because everyone is sharing their perfect life on it and made me feel pathetic about myself. I am angry at those people who pretend to be happy with their life and made me jealous with their two-sided lifes because there's nothing to be jealous about with these kind of people. I am angry at those people who have high expectation on me. I am angry at those people who made me think that I am important but actually have zero care about things I'm doing. I am so angry designer labels for being so pricey and I am too poor to get one of them. I am angry at myself because I am wasting 70% of my life giving shit about people life. 

It's really difficult to say this out loud. It's not easy to be one with complicated thoughts. They try to stop but it get worst.

Lost and never found

Where is everyone when I need them?

I can never get used to this.

Every time I log in my facebook, I would always visit your wall. Then, cry and cry like I always do. I try not to but I can't. This always happens at home when I am all by myself. I never try to do this in public because I cannot promise myself not to tears. I know this is not a good thing to do but thats the only way I can feel myself connected to you, Pru. I'm sorry I put your, I mean our text messages on private box in my phone, it's all gone now. I used an apps to make it as private conversation. When I uninstall it, it just disappear. I can't look for it anymore. And again, I did something stupid.
I miss you Pru. I still cannot believe you're not here with everyone, with us, with me. I miss calling you. I miss talking to you. I miss your presence. I miss your positive vibes the most.

three hundred seconds conversation

Last night was a tough night. Ann and I went working as a part time at a hotel as a banquet server. We were so lucky because last night function was a jungle theme dinner. Interesting, right? The whole ballroom was covered with tree branches, dead leaves were all over the ground and it was pretty dark. They used led light and some other lights to make the surrounding looks a lot like a jungle at night. Every guest were dressed up according it's theme. 

We were told by the manager that tonight we will not be paid because this is our first time and take it as our training session. Training session means we will be given partner to guide us while serving a table. But our partner will do most the important works and we will learn all the things we must know by observing them. I had a little experience before working part time as a caterer during raya so I guess I know some of the basics. Tbh guys, I don't really work for the money, but I'm dying for those experience. Serving banquet in a five stars hotel, this should be in my bucketlist. It was exhausting because everything must be done in a minute. Running in our half-inch-heels for hours was killing my feet. I think almost died when my partner ask me to get clean plates from the kitchen when this girl accidentally stepped on my foot with her heels on. Thank God I didn't shout, it would have been embarrassing.

Before we started our training, I met this guy. Idk if he is a friend or just someone I knew. We bumped into each other at the hallway. He was working there too. So we talk for a moment. He was cute. And our conversation made me smile the whole time and I think the guests in my table caught me smiling and freaked out a little. I don't know why but I hope will meet again in the future. I just hope we will.

Before the night ends, our manager told us we can go home at eleven. Finally we can go home earlier. While waiting for our car, Ann and I had little talk. I really miss talking with Ann. We always have something common on each other. I like that cos that's what makes me comfy talking to her. It feels calm and lighter after had those little talks with her. I'm just glad she's here. Just glad.