May 09, 2017

Paper heart

I tried telling you something. I re-arranged my words and stories a lot, like seriously a lot. I waited till the right time. In a moment I thought I could pour it out but I before I do, I already feel rejection on you. It pained me so much not able to opening up to you. It was very simple; I only need someone to talk with. There's so many sadness inside of me that I can just throw them up. Yet, I choose to keep it. This is sick and unworthy. I get more and more fragile each day with this burdened heart and mind. I could only talk to myself and figure things on my own. 

I was fragile then I went hopeless and losing my common sense. But that's when I learn to create my own shelter; my own walls. I learn to create my own strength as people around see me as strong person. Slowly I learn how to cope with every bullshits I faced. But it somehow became too much and you got used to it. Yes, I am so used to it and I forget how broken I was. The walls went thicker and taller than I expected; covered with tired-hopes, time wasted, insecurities, low self-esteems, unreachable-expectations, lost-promises, ignorance and unrequited loves. The walls became even uglier each days. I couldn't even bear to look at it. I hide it very hard and I'm getting good at it. I turned these walls as my strength, my barriers and I'm telling you all the shits covering these walls made me even stronger. 

Do you ever feel that way? All the shits you went through made you even stronger. I hope you do. If you're happen to be in the worst situation, don't ever let yourself in to the problem you or even escape from it. Face it and fix it. The beauty behind those troubles and pains worth more than you ever expect. I have been there and I am still working on it.