February 14, 2017

A war with myself.

Awful thoughts has been keep popping up and interrupting me recently. Its already heavy enough to have a war inside of your head. A war between your mind and your responsibilities, tasks, commitment, staying on track and financial. But somehow it doesn't seem enough with a war on yourself. When the people around you keep giving negative vibes, I seriously can't. Its too much. Just freaking too much. I don't think I could recall when was the last time I slept without having tears on my pillow. Its true. I just want to get it over. Is this some kind of mental illness that bring out only the worst of me? Why is it life seems so out of purpose right now? A part of me is half-alive and I refused to make the other one turn out the same. 

So, please. This condition is not something you could stop by saying "Don't be sad" or "You're just thinking too much". I need nothing but your hand, your helping hand - to hold me and drag me to where I have to be. 

I could not count on anyone but one thing I could count on is I need your help; stop doing whatever destroys me. 
Stop. 

Just stop.

February 09, 2017

Making it right.

I am always grateful for the choices and decisions that I made these pass few years. I always tell myself I am lucky in almost every moment of my life (well, about 30% of it are probably not but at least it taught me great lessons). I believe good things happen when you start to believe them. Why do I feel this way? Because I keep my believes in prayers. I believe having honest conversation with God is relieving, lightening, motivating and beautiful. There's no other 'real talk' other than with Him. Since I start believing in You, Lord, good things always happens to me and it still is. The only favor I could do as a return for you is staying loyal and talk to you as much as I could.

What I am trying to point out here is every person in this earth are blessed when they start thinking they are. This is not some spiritual writing or anything on promoting my faith but it just something that I recently realized - faith and luck. Sometimes I wonder till when will this luck last on me? Then, I realized I am not suppose to question it but suppose to believe it and be grateful about it. Don't ask for more but just be thankful - its already more than enough. Even the tiniest things; the good sleep, a good friend to talk to, the smile my parents made when I told them I pass my Japan lvl 2 (I have no idea why I took the most difficult language but I did not regret it tho), the unexpected discount on stuffs you bought, finding a car park at peak time and so much more.

This short semester break made me realized that I am truly blessed. The people around me are the best people ever. I wasn't referring the companies I had during semester break, but throughout my life. Some may not last long but they were there for many reasons. I love the people who radiates good energy for me. They made me realized what I am capable of and showed me how limitless life is. The friends that you could count on, lighten your days, inspire you, appreciate you, need you, motivate you, bring out the best version of you and keep you close to your faith. 

Start believing all the good things about yourself and life will surprise you. Trust yourself and everything will be provided just as how strong you believe it is.