June 10, 2016

Look who's talking now?

I have to warn you. What I am about to spit out in this entry is all about fucked up things I have regrets in these past few months. I couldn't bear keeping it inside anymore and oh, if you feel like I'm talking about you, well, if the shoes fit, feel free to lace it up and wear it. 

I been way too much outta from my comfort zone. I sacrificed my time and energy for things I actually end up crying at night and wished I did any of those. You know what it feels like when you given your 200% energy for something and you were still ask to continue it again? I know it's a compliment for you because I did a good job (hell yeah, I did) and now they trust you because of it. To be honest, it's a mess inside of me working those things. 

I lose my best features; my sense of humor. Its very heartbreaking seeing the negativity vibes took over you slowly and breaking every inch of your bones and your soul is deeply hurt. Its not healthy for me. Its not. I don't want to lose myself doing things like this. I am a free soul; why should I get myself involved with such things? The worst thing I caught myself doing was I could hardly contacted my family at home. Each time my mum calls me, I'll be like "Sorry Ma, I'm in a meeting". Now thinking about it made me felt like the worst daughter ever. I can't imagine seeing myself behaving like that in the future. I can't. I just can't. I just couldn't calm the fuck out of me when things get so intense. Especially when have to move those ass to do work. Thank goodness not everyone need to be pushed over. 

Well, at least now I knew that field was not for me. For those who knows me well, it doesn't suits me, right? You see me coming to class like a retard zombie and I even got caught taking a nap in class, like what the fuck? It's so embarrassing. Worst is I skipped most of my classes and I have to deals with the low marks for my participation in class. This is not cool Chalen, not cool!

Like what I told my mum, its already passed. It's in the past. What's important is that you played your role well. Seriously, I did part and give out the best of me. I still have 2 months left for next semester involved this two committees. I shall do my best and end everything. I will let go and do new things. Maybe visit more part of Thailand next semester. 

Somehow, I did learnt so many things while doing all the paperwork, dealing with the people in office, managing different kind of people, stuck in random places and learn skills that you could never learn in class. With all the knowledge I gained, I'm more than grateful for it and will surely benefit myself from those experience. That's why everything happened for reasons. I trust God have put in this phase to help me discovering myself. I could how far I went and I am so grateful with this so-far-achievements. Now lets hope for more and better experiences.

For those who has supported me from the beginning till the end, I just want to let you know that I am very grateful for you boys and girls never left me out. Some of you have seen me crying, whining and say stupid things. I'm sorry to act such ways in front of you. I think a few of you realized that I am the type of person that always need, always, someone by my side. Another thing, I never actually realized I am that bossy that when it comes on giving orders to people. Also, I am sorry for those that have to go back and forth to pick me up and many stuffs that I asked for help. 

From the event that I'm doing, I learnt and finally accepted that 'change' is a constantly thing happening in our life. Ready or not, it will happen. After all the hard work, everyone needs big-fat hug. Oh boy, I'm sorry I misunderstood you. I have taken you in the wrong way. But, I was happy that you proved me wrong. I was great seeing you learning and gave your best. I just hope you won't get in the wrong path. And another thing, everyone have different history; somehow their history defined their future. I hope your history will remain a history and I think you should take a fresh start. And we both should start trusting people. I believe you have very pure innocent side behind that fucked face of yours which you were convincing me that you have a very poor reputation before. Well, I don't think you like that, at the moment. I hope you knew that I will always be here if you need help. I don't know if you realized it but I haven't returned your hair tie - well, I don't think you need it anyway. 

I have exams 3 days from now and I haven't start studied shit. Well, I actually did some notes but I still don't consider that as studying. I know where I stand. I am actually trying to keep my blog updated but writing an entry need my entire mind and heart to function together to write an entry. For your information, I have almost reach 2K views for my blog. This is amazayn! Thank you lovelies readers! When I reached my 2K views, I promise I will a appreciation vlog for you guys.

Alright, I guess that's all for today. Toodles guys!