April 16, 2016

When you're in 'that' phase again

I am in that 'discovering myself' phase again.
I used to know myself better than anyone does. But seems likely now, I couldn't even make my own decision. I keep on asking everyone permissions and approvals on everything that I do. I know it's good to ask others' opinion, but if you do too much, it's not okay. 

Here's a thing I want to share a few things that has been happening on me these past few weeks. Back then, I always trusted God to help in everything I did, even till this moment. I keep on surrendering the things I can't handle to God, I let Him do the rest of my work and I can proudly say this, He kept His words. Everything went so well, way better than I expected. But then, now, it seems like I'm letting Him does everything; even the small things. I realized He hasn't been 'answering' me lately-probably I should say not yet. I didn't expect this but it hurts so much. I'm telling you a real thing here, it hurts so much than being ignored by your friends.Because of that, I, without thinking too much, stupidly controlled myself from praying on asking Him too much. I was scared of asking too much. As I did those, I felt a bit lost. I keep forgetting things. I overthink, I don't walk my talk and I depend too much on others. I always think I should take over be in control of many situations. I judge others, I criticized them, I compare how good I am than them. I even dig their past and even use others to benefit myself. I am being so negative about my surrounding. I tell people to stay positive themselves bu the fact is I am being the most negative person. I end up accusing people for hating me but when I think now, they're actually not. All these things, I still pray to Him. What a hypocrite person I am. I pretend everything was perfect when it was definitely not. I cried each night but still don't make an effort to stop it all. I am not a good child, dear God. I am so sorry. See? I am doing it all over again. I shouldn't be sorry for this. 

We had a spiritual camp last week; three days two nights. It was an amazing camp. It really was. I am so glad my team did awesome work. But, I was kind of lost a few slots in that camp. I thirst for God's love. I almost felt His touch but yet, it felt too far. On the final day of the camp, I went to St Anne old church's building. I sat there with a few people. I wanted to stay longer but I want to be in a perfect alone environment. I know I shouldn't be selfish, but that time I was being so selfish that I only wanted Him all by myself. I know God's love is for everyone, but I couldn't help myself for wanting Him just for me. I walk out from the church as a few people coming in. It was such a waste because I didn't really pray, I just sat there-stare blindly at the altar. I felt like there is a distance. A fine line between me and God. I didn't feel calm. And worst, I force myself to be calm. I was in tears but I don't know why. I walk out and that's it. I just missed my opportunity with God just like that. 

My head keep on haunting me with these questions; how to love myself again? How to keep myself strong as I used to be? How can others be so strong looking at me like this? I am not as perfect as they see me, I am not happy and all cheerful as people see me, I am not that bold and strong as you me talking. I act and trying hard to be as tough as you wanted me to be. I just want to be belong to your expectations. I am trying to reach out the level you had set me up. I not proud of who I am. I may be capable of doing it but the point is does it content me? Does it make me happy? 

Letting everything go just like is the easiest thing to do now you know. Walking away just like that is the thing that I really really want to do. I could just gave up like that you know. But I still choose the hard way. Keeping it altogether, I still trust God on this.

I am occupied with a lot of things but I know I still can cope with this. Don't take me in the wrong way, I still love Him. I just miss Him that's just it. I could only promise myself to find my way back to Him. Dear Father, once again, help me. Amen.