November 09, 2016

Its okay dear self

First,
I was scared,
But then I found out your favorite food,
And it gave me the idea that you're approachable,
It was true and I like that.

Then I think you're funny when you are being nonsense,
It tickled me seeing you being crazy,
I started to remember our conversation,
And I begin to like you do the talking instead of me,
You talk too much,
All of your stories stuck in my head,
And at that moment,
I realized that you were something.

I realize I enjoyed you being comfortable with me,
Made me happy that I had your trust,
We shared similar traits and I like that,
That's cool.

Then, I listened to your favorite songs,
Turned out that each songs used to be my favorite,
Was tempted to open up myself to you,
But then,
I realize everyone is falling head over heels for you.

I start to lose interest in you,
But I long for the trust you had in me,
Avoiding myself,
So I took a step behind,
Because everyone likes you,
That's good,
Because I can see you are happy now.

But dear self,
It has been months,
Wake up,
Its over,
You already missed your chance,
You dumb,
But you're not.

Because its okay.
Its okay.

I made the right choice.

October 12, 2016

You'll get the hang of it

Dear self, don't worry. All the tearful nights, choking yourself with responsibilities, dealing with f*cktards and time & energy invested on works and studies, it teaches you a lesson that you couldn't learn by reading books or yourself. These are the sweats and tears that you will worth to grew from those. Soon, you will thank yourself. 

In the future, you will reflect your life and said "Dayum, I used to be someone beyond my limits." 

Its an important moment of your life to be reflected in the future. When you want to give up and let go of something, please dear self, please, I beg you, please remember those moment. You have been through a lot of hardship. Take it as a reflection that remind yourself to be fearless to face another stages of life. Life is not getting easier. The closer you are to your dream, the harder it gets. Similar situation happen when you got yourself closer to the Lord. But the hardship are fruitful and the sweetest feeling you could ever imagined.

This is only the chance I got. I only have less than a year left in this campus;10 friggin' months to be exact to call myself as a student. I don't know if you understand this feeling but for me, I am so not ready to leave the life as a student. I don't know if I could adapt myself as someone who considered as an independent adult, working women and having salary every month. Getting more and more responsibilities more than your siblings. Not getting any allowance from your parents or enjoying the the scholarship from the government. But to be an individual that required to face the globalized world; surviving in this competitive and corrupted society. By corrupted I meant, the society isn't as what they seems as they look or act. Plus, you could never live the life like we did in the 20th century. Come on dear, this is a new era where the earth are transformed into border-less world. 

As you(me) read through your blog, note yourself that you are getting better and better. The life you're living in now might not be exactly the same as you had plan back in 5 years ago, but life seems good at this moment. It possibly might happen again in the next 3-5 years - you could be standing in different land and speaking new languages. Whatever the life is, promise yourself that you will make yourself proud. You will and always be. Keep this spirit goes on and enjoy the rest of the moment. I swear, these experiences, you will never stop feeling grateful about it. There is so much to explore and to learn than staying in your comfort zone. 

Keep going, you will reach the life you never imagine you could be. Be forever blessed. 

September 18, 2016

The good and the bad.

When the time comes, someone will noticed you. 
Everything - the good and the bad.
Your fake confidence.
Being panic without reasons.
Your shaky voice as you point out your opinion in the crowd.
The effort you put on your eyebrows.
Caught you falling asleep in random places.
The mole you had in your palm.
Your fruity smells.
Walking so fast when you're alone.
Your eyes rolls as you feel annoyed.
Always keep your plate clear every lunch/dinner.
Eating snacks while no one watching.
You chew gums to avoid from dozing off.
Faking a phone call just to avoid awkward short-catch-up.
Doodles when situation gets bored.
Always fall asleep during road trips.
Cries every single time when there is a scene of animal are killed in movies.

. . .

When the time comes, someone will accept you. 
Everything - the good and the bad.
Accept the fact that he is on the third place because family and friends comes right after God.
That muffin top of yours that shows when you're sitting down.
Your messy tangled hair.
Sneezing like a dude.
Your snores while sleeping.
Romance is always the number one choice watching a movie.
How you regret after watching a horror movie.
Your random thoughts and your craving for deep conversation.
Spontaneous plans.
Your dream on travelling the globe.
2 am phone calls.
Your weird playlist.

. . .

When the time comes, I pray to God that I won't choked myself to death; or embarrassed myself with tears in my eyes or burst myself to that unfiltered-laugh of mine. I pray to God that I will stand still - with my brain and heart working that shit together to figure everything out.

I might not realized your existence or your feeling; but believe me, I am forcing myself to believe that there is someone out there that would notice and accept me the way I am. But my reality, my ego, my expectation - blurred my sight from believing that you are right in front of me. From time to time, I never stop myself from looking another perspectives to change myself to be a better women. If you are happen to know me before and thought that I am no longer like the person you used to know, it means that I did became better - maybe because of I am now aware what I need and what I want. 

You probably see that I could do everything on my own - "don't worry about her, she's very independent; she is able to finish her job on her own; she is her own man" -  hell, I'm not. I'm just accepting the fact that I have to learn to stand on my feet before I get too attached on you that I couldn't prepare myself to lose you. Before I start a new chapter that might have an ending that I could never live with. Yes, I'm preparing for all those future broken-hearts; being cheated on, complicated decisions, break-up, getting dumped, left-hanging or move-on-phase. So, I need you to steal my time, don't give up on me and we will figure out that incomplete puzzles, together.

June 10, 2016

Look who's talking now?

I have to warn you. What I am about to spit out in this entry is all about fucked up things I have regrets in these past few months. I couldn't bear keeping it inside anymore and oh, if you feel like I'm talking about you, well, if the shoes fit, feel free to lace it up and wear it. 

I been way too much outta from my comfort zone. I sacrificed my time and energy for things I actually end up crying at night and wished I did any of those. You know what it feels like when you given your 200% energy for something and you were still ask to continue it again? I know it's a compliment for you because I did a good job (hell yeah, I did) and now they trust you because of it. To be honest, it's a mess inside of me working those things. 

I lose my best features; my sense of humor. Its very heartbreaking seeing the negativity vibes took over you slowly and breaking every inch of your bones and your soul is deeply hurt. Its not healthy for me. Its not. I don't want to lose myself doing things like this. I am a free soul; why should I get myself involved with such things? The worst thing I caught myself doing was I could hardly contacted my family at home. Each time my mum calls me, I'll be like "Sorry Ma, I'm in a meeting". Now thinking about it made me felt like the worst daughter ever. I can't imagine seeing myself behaving like that in the future. I can't. I just can't. I just couldn't calm the fuck out of me when things get so intense. Especially when have to move those ass to do work. Thank goodness not everyone need to be pushed over. 

Well, at least now I knew that field was not for me. For those who knows me well, it doesn't suits me, right? You see me coming to class like a retard zombie and I even got caught taking a nap in class, like what the fuck? It's so embarrassing. Worst is I skipped most of my classes and I have to deals with the low marks for my participation in class. This is not cool Chalen, not cool!

Like what I told my mum, its already passed. It's in the past. What's important is that you played your role well. Seriously, I did part and give out the best of me. I still have 2 months left for next semester involved this two committees. I shall do my best and end everything. I will let go and do new things. Maybe visit more part of Thailand next semester. 

Somehow, I did learnt so many things while doing all the paperwork, dealing with the people in office, managing different kind of people, stuck in random places and learn skills that you could never learn in class. With all the knowledge I gained, I'm more than grateful for it and will surely benefit myself from those experience. That's why everything happened for reasons. I trust God have put in this phase to help me discovering myself. I could how far I went and I am so grateful with this so-far-achievements. Now lets hope for more and better experiences.

For those who has supported me from the beginning till the end, I just want to let you know that I am very grateful for you boys and girls never left me out. Some of you have seen me crying, whining and say stupid things. I'm sorry to act such ways in front of you. I think a few of you realized that I am the type of person that always need, always, someone by my side. Another thing, I never actually realized I am that bossy that when it comes on giving orders to people. Also, I am sorry for those that have to go back and forth to pick me up and many stuffs that I asked for help. 

From the event that I'm doing, I learnt and finally accepted that 'change' is a constantly thing happening in our life. Ready or not, it will happen. After all the hard work, everyone needs big-fat hug. Oh boy, I'm sorry I misunderstood you. I have taken you in the wrong way. But, I was happy that you proved me wrong. I was great seeing you learning and gave your best. I just hope you won't get in the wrong path. And another thing, everyone have different history; somehow their history defined their future. I hope your history will remain a history and I think you should take a fresh start. And we both should start trusting people. I believe you have very pure innocent side behind that fucked face of yours which you were convincing me that you have a very poor reputation before. Well, I don't think you like that, at the moment. I hope you knew that I will always be here if you need help. I don't know if you realized it but I haven't returned your hair tie - well, I don't think you need it anyway. 

I have exams 3 days from now and I haven't start studied shit. Well, I actually did some notes but I still don't consider that as studying. I know where I stand. I am actually trying to keep my blog updated but writing an entry need my entire mind and heart to function together to write an entry. For your information, I have almost reach 2K views for my blog. This is amazayn! Thank you lovelies readers! When I reached my 2K views, I promise I will a appreciation vlog for you guys.

Alright, I guess that's all for today. Toodles guys! 

April 16, 2016

When you're in 'that' phase again

I am in that 'discovering myself' phase again.
I used to know myself better than anyone does. But seems likely now, I couldn't even make my own decision. I keep on asking everyone permissions and approvals on everything that I do. I know it's good to ask others' opinion, but if you do too much, it's not okay. 

Here's a thing I want to share a few things that has been happening on me these past few weeks. Back then, I always trusted God to help in everything I did, even till this moment. I keep on surrendering the things I can't handle to God, I let Him do the rest of my work and I can proudly say this, He kept His words. Everything went so well, way better than I expected. But then, now, it seems like I'm letting Him does everything; even the small things. I realized He hasn't been 'answering' me lately-probably I should say not yet. I didn't expect this but it hurts so much. I'm telling you a real thing here, it hurts so much than being ignored by your friends.Because of that, I, without thinking too much, stupidly controlled myself from praying on asking Him too much. I was scared of asking too much. As I did those, I felt a bit lost. I keep forgetting things. I overthink, I don't walk my talk and I depend too much on others. I always think I should take over be in control of many situations. I judge others, I criticized them, I compare how good I am than them. I even dig their past and even use others to benefit myself. I am being so negative about my surrounding. I tell people to stay positive themselves bu the fact is I am being the most negative person. I end up accusing people for hating me but when I think now, they're actually not. All these things, I still pray to Him. What a hypocrite person I am. I pretend everything was perfect when it was definitely not. I cried each night but still don't make an effort to stop it all. I am not a good child, dear God. I am so sorry. See? I am doing it all over again. I shouldn't be sorry for this. 

We had a spiritual camp last week; three days two nights. It was an amazing camp. It really was. I am so glad my team did awesome work. But, I was kind of lost a few slots in that camp. I thirst for God's love. I almost felt His touch but yet, it felt too far. On the final day of the camp, I went to St Anne old church's building. I sat there with a few people. I wanted to stay longer but I want to be in a perfect alone environment. I know I shouldn't be selfish, but that time I was being so selfish that I only wanted Him all by myself. I know God's love is for everyone, but I couldn't help myself for wanting Him just for me. I walk out from the church as a few people coming in. It was such a waste because I didn't really pray, I just sat there-stare blindly at the altar. I felt like there is a distance. A fine line between me and God. I didn't feel calm. And worst, I force myself to be calm. I was in tears but I don't know why. I walk out and that's it. I just missed my opportunity with God just like that. 

My head keep on haunting me with these questions; how to love myself again? How to keep myself strong as I used to be? How can others be so strong looking at me like this? I am not as perfect as they see me, I am not happy and all cheerful as people see me, I am not that bold and strong as you me talking. I act and trying hard to be as tough as you wanted me to be. I just want to be belong to your expectations. I am trying to reach out the level you had set me up. I not proud of who I am. I may be capable of doing it but the point is does it content me? Does it make me happy? 

Letting everything go just like is the easiest thing to do now you know. Walking away just like that is the thing that I really really want to do. I could just gave up like that you know. But I still choose the hard way. Keeping it altogether, I still trust God on this.

I am occupied with a lot of things but I know I still can cope with this. Don't take me in the wrong way, I still love Him. I just miss Him that's just it. I could only promise myself to find my way back to Him. Dear Father, once again, help me. Amen.

January 27, 2016

3rd Anniversary

It's been three years since my dearest best friend departed. I miss you so much it hurt. I hope you're doing well up in heaven. Oh well, of course you are. You are rested in the hands of the Lord :)

All these years, I still had the thought of giving you a call or send random text. Why? Because I could never stop myself from picturing you're still here. And there are times when I hope that one of my blog viewer is you. Haha crazy but seriously I miss you so much.

The feeling of not having you here is very obvious and I will never know how to move on from that(and I don't want to) .

I miss Prudence Pearl Manih so much. May you rest well and I will see you in another life ❤

January 03, 2016

Deeper connection.

Another year has passed. Like the usual, I will always make an entry on a summary-kinda-post after a year has come to an end. Well, for me, 2015 was bitter sweet. My memories in 2015 made me felt contented with all the fun stuffs I have done so much in just a year. I successfully got out from my comfort zone. I'm proudly to say I managed to travel to new places this year. Some of my life bucket list were checked off. Quite a lot achievements unlocked such as I got my very first dean award for my second semester! Yayy 

I swear 2016 is going to extra amazing which I will have my very own passport. I'm going to treat myself with some adventures! But I won't be putting too much hopes on it. Lets just say, I'll go with the flow. I won't be making resolutions this year like I had always did in the previous years. I feel strictly bound to my own resolutions, its more like a rules and when you unable to accomplish it, I get slightly disappointed which is not a good feeling for me. 

Overall, I am thankful for 2015 for all the wonderful moments I had experienced. It taught me of acceptance of responsibility and letting go of the past. I learnt that I could not get everything in control. With the power, strength and blessings granted from God, I couldn't be more grateful than this for one great amazing year.

All I could say for my 2016 is I wish for more adventures and happiness for my family and I. Hopefully this year I will be granted a good wealth(spending management) and good health as well as good balance between work and studies. That's all I am wishing for this year. 

I wish all of my lovely readers to have a wonderful year ahead and lets live each second of life to the fullest. 

P/s: My blog's pageviews has reached more than 1.6k pageviews! I am truly happy having you all anonymously reading my page. Thank you lovelies ❤