December 30, 2015

Current mood = lost

I never felt so lost in my life till today. I forgot how it feels like to sit my study chair and not worry about tomorrow. Lately, I have gotten myself caught too much with the activities at college. I have engaged with many society and clubs here and it is very sad for me to say this that I'm kind of feeling quite regret about this decision. If you have seen my tweets, I was actually trying to work on gaining lots of experience and soft skills by joining the various society and club here in college. But its only been 2 months since I joined them and I am already starting to feel miserable on myself. I cannot focus on my daily goal - time management, assignment and revision for quizzes as well as mid-term exam. The worst of all, I cannot keep myself in a good shape - my diet, healthy body and my sleeping routine end up worst. I need caffeine in the morning to relax myself and boost my body to go through the day.

Two days ago I had a short revision on my English paper, which I did exactly 2 hours before my paper(it was a simple-basic-grammar-kind-of-paper),  then I had to search a bit information on the problem solution essays. My friends gave me tips that the essay will either on stress or obesity. I look through articles on obesity first. Then I continue on searching on stress. I started my reading o the academic essays on stress then when I turn to articles and blog based on true story, I could relate myself with the early symptoms of early stage depression among young adults. I never been so scared in my life reading a real shit from blogs and medication websites. I was telling myself that this is only me thinking too much(until now).

Since I was a kid, I never had no one to feel inspired with. I the achiever type of kid. I get inspire by actresses/actors in movies, characters in cartoon, my teachers and even my older siblings. I once got so inspired with my brother for getting into university and envy him for he able to travels a lot while studying. So, I use him as an example to push myself to achieve my goals. I am one of the kid that do not get what she/he want unless she/he work hard on it. For example, I got my first black and white screen mobile phone in my first year of high school because I work hard for it during my UPSR, the big shit we, Malaysian students, have to go through in our final year of primary school. As a carefree high spirited kid, I don't have any specific hobby, I always had different interests/hobbies. I went from singing(yes I joined a damn singing competition when I was in elementary school) and dancing to fishing to sketching, sewing, collecting bracelets, and making crafts to fangirling over one direction(is that even a hobby?), reading manga and watch anime to baking and travelling. Talking all of this stuffs makes me miss the way I used to be. A kid who used to be so creative and enjoy various interests.

I feel like I have so much burden on back and worries in my head. I could not fall asleep without thinking too much. Well, have I ever not think too much before fell asleep? 

To be honest, I don't practice what I preach recently. I don't take care of my health as I tell others to do so. I am now someone that rush myself to class every morning, I don't meditate before I jump from my bed, I don't smile on my reflection(I used to do it as self-help in aspect of confidence and as positive vibe), I don't pray before I sleep, I don't drink tea instead I drink coffee, I don't have time to do meditation, I don't watch motivational vlogs and I stopped listening to songs. I am scared, you know. I'm scared of losing behind. I often feel forgetful and I feel panic all the time. Its not good for my weak heart. I scared this will cause me pressure and depressed myself. I feel like quitting. But that is so not me. I don't take things half-way, I started it then I shall finish it. I grew up as an achiever, remember?

I may facing with more and more different kind of people these day. I get good and bad affect from them. I'm being quite emotionally sensitive lately on the way people treated me. I get so many unnecessary flashbacks due to their actions. Sometime it lower my self-esteem and I'll confuse myself. But I'm pushing those negative aura to a space that I won't give any shit unless it really concerned my life. I experience many love/hate situations recently. Those feelings surely made me feel something. Somehow I feel a bit grown up experiencing sort of stuffs. 

Above all the craps I mentioned before, I still have faith in me. God never fail me, so why do I have to feel so helpless in the fact that I am the only person that could help myself? No one would bring me down unless I let them. 

When I experience those sorts of things, I will force myself to check on my favorite vloggers on youtube to force myself to act self-help which I seriously need to do - laugh especially on Lilly's inspirational videos. I also read some mind refreshment articles in tinybuddha which is always helpful and inspiring.

I'm writing tonight because I feel out of control with this feeling and I cannot let this feeling grow wildly inside of me. For me, writing does help. It give me time to think more what stuffs I have problem on, lead me to calmness and express myself through words. This is not something I could just say to someone and expect them to understand, right? I may have talk on this matter on few people but I only talk it casually because I don't want them to worry too much.

Okay that's all for tonight. I'm having my final exam now and there are 3 papers left. So, boys and girls, wish me luck! Have a nice day. 

August 07, 2015

the one who promises not to forget always forget

I am such an idiot for trusting your words. I shouldn't have open up my feelings for you or writing it here. My room reminds me of you. The windows and curtains reminds me of you. Its just something that I can't forget. You're not worth to be remembered since you leave pain inside me. A pain that's not a even worth it.

I'm afraid I won't fall beautifully anymore because I forget how to fall without afraid of getting hurt. Things are so different now. Well, duhh. I'm over twenty, you're not in high school anymore. I am so busy looking at my age and worrying on how it will define me. Its amazing how numbers confused me how to have right attitude for this two digit when the right thing to do is just be myself. 

I get so tired everyday that I wasted everyday by just breathing and dying the day end faster. I hate myself for that. I'm not making progress of myself. I'm blinding myself from the wonderful blessings I had with things that I could never own. Time is moving forward and I'm stuck. 

As I came home, I look at my parents and my chest hurts. They smiled and I hold my tears. I could see their wrinkles get visible. I'm afraid. I cannot stop thinking how the future going to change me, Basically, I am in control with my future, but shit I can't. I can't even see myself 6 months from now.

I feel stuck. I pause myself somewhere that I can't move forward. I'm stuck.

May 27, 2015

I'll love you.

No matter how hard you crash me, tear me, push me, ignore, badmouth me, bash me, hit me, curse me, hate me and drown me, I won't lose you for that. Maybe I'll fall for many times but I don't mind. I'll show you how dedicated I am. I'll prove you how much I love you. I'll love you harder and harder. 

I won't let you put me down. Either its big or small matter, I won't lose to any of your shit. I may fall but you still going to see me rise and rise. I won't lose. Not to you. Not you.

May 08, 2015

Does being kind considered as weak?

Why people likes to take advantage on soft-hearted people? Does being thoughtful and caring bring you down? I always put others first and when I do, most of the time I get hurt. When I tried to do the opposite situation, I get hurt even more. In other words, I can't stop concerning others. I'm tired of figuring out solution for what's good and bad. I'm tired of crying every night thinking on how unfair life is treating me. Why can't people just do what I do? Why do I seek for their pity? Their attention? Their concern? Why can't I just let them do what they feels like doing? Why must I get hurt at the end? Why must I care about people who don't give shits about me? I can't deal with this feeling every day. I can't sit and walking around troubled by the same shits every day, I can't. I want to stop. I did stop so many times but I still get hurt, a lot worst. After all the things I have done, the things I've received, the way people treated me, I still choose to be thoughtful and put others first. Because I believe, truly and deeply believe that at the end of the time, only kindness matter the most. Kindness will bring a huge change to this beautiful cruel world. People may not value me or they might not see the world the way I do, but I believe, kindness and honesty is the reason I live. That might also the reason why I came into their lives. I just gotta live it and see where I will end up.