October 12, 2014

Can I cry till I puke my shitty lungs out from my chest

Studying about politics makes me turning into another level of dumb. I am half regret with this course at this moment. I can't put this confusing facts in my head. I am sick and so not used to reading 500+ pages of world journals. I didn't realize everything is gonna be tough as fuck.

Moreover, I can't talk to anyone here. Especially in my class. I'm telling you this is so not me. Or this is the real me, one retarded 'closed' person? I want to be friends with everyone but I can't start any conversation with the people here cos I am too afraid to be judge by the way I talk. Looking at them having their own clique is making me worst, I distance myself from everyone. I can't focus in classes. I don't give good responses when the lecturer ask me. I feel so shit and I want this to stop. I focus more on my activities outside the class. This is so wrong and I don't want to hang around any longer. I'm so scared this is not the right place for me. A part of me asking me to quit and leave, but I don't want to because I don't have anywhere else to go. I miss home so badly but I don't want to think about going back yet. I need a hug from my mum right now. Your daughter really misses you.

But deep inside me, I know I can do this. I am always on the right path. I trust God for this path that I choose. I know He won't let me down with the choices I made so  far. I know I am still the same person. I haven't gone wrong and I will never be. I should show people what I am made of and what I am capable of. I know myself fucking well than anyone is.

Bring yourself away from temptation. Stop looking for everyone mistakes. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Yes, yesterday test was a total failure but it's alright. You'll never know what's wrong with you if you didn't took that test. You can do it all over again Chalen, just have a little faith on yourself. You're one tough hearted woman. You can do this shit if you start believing and living with your faith. The only chance you have is the moment you're living with. Have faith and see the world in your eyes changing.