October 27, 2014

Best week so far.

Can someone give me a long warm hug? Because I really need that right now. My back is all sore and my head is just a mess. I had the most tiring break ever. How is it called mid-term break since my days were full of helping out the seniors preparing costumes and training for the dance performances for the closing ceremony SUKIPT Sabah in UUM. Although it was such a tiring week, but I had a really good time interacting with all kind of people. I admit that it was probably the best week so far for my university life. I am looking forward for the next SUKIPT. But I swear that moment I don't want to perform again. Guess what guys? I joined the dance crew for modern dance performances for the closing ceremony and to be honest guys, that's my first time ever dancing at public. I enjoyed it but I don't think I want to do it for the second time. I don't think I like it; dancing in front of audience is not my thing. The audience was rad and oh God, North Borneo people are crazy, I repeat, craaazy. I have no regrets to be part of the crew for this event. It helped me to bond closer with most of my seniors. I'm glad that I joined them for all the sleepless night, long walks to dpp YAB and that 'bed-time' stories which made me no longer taking shower in the middle of the night. But still, no regrets guys. No regrets! 
I was busy all week and of course I haven't done any of my freaking assignments! Plus, I haven't studied for our mid-term exam. I am going to kill myself if I get poor marks. I won't let that happen to me. I'm going to make sure this 24 hours before sitting for the paper is all worth it.
We have loads of events for this coming week and the month of November. We will have our gathering for the International Affairs students. This means we are finally meeting our seniors and get to know our course better. I hope so. Then, later in November, we will have an annual dinner for our DPP. The theme is gonna be traditional wear so I look forward to dress-up for this dinner! 
Our date for the final exam is finally out. My last paper is on the fifth day of January *tears of happiness* I want to take the flight home on that night. I miss home so much. I won't be able to spend Christmas and New Year with them this year and the next three years. What a sad life for degree student. *sob*

October 12, 2014

Can I cry till I puke my shitty lungs out from my chest

Studying about politics makes me turning into another level of dumb. I am half regret with this course at this moment. I can't put this confusing facts in my head. I am sick and so not used to reading 500+ pages of world journals. I didn't realize everything is gonna be tough as fuck.

Moreover, I can't talk to anyone here. Especially in my class. I'm telling you this is so not me. Or this is the real me, one retarded 'closed' person? I want to be friends with everyone but I can't start any conversation with the people here cos I am too afraid to be judge by the way I talk. Looking at them having their own clique is making me worst, I distance myself from everyone. I can't focus in classes. I don't give good responses when the lecturer ask me. I feel so shit and I want this to stop. I focus more on my activities outside the class. This is so wrong and I don't want to hang around any longer. I'm so scared this is not the right place for me. A part of me asking me to quit and leave, but I don't want to because I don't have anywhere else to go. I miss home so badly but I don't want to think about going back yet. I need a hug from my mum right now. Your daughter really misses you.

But deep inside me, I know I can do this. I am always on the right path. I trust God for this path that I choose. I know He won't let me down with the choices I made so  far. I know I am still the same person. I haven't gone wrong and I will never be. I should show people what I am made of and what I am capable of. I know myself fucking well than anyone is.

Bring yourself away from temptation. Stop looking for everyone mistakes. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Yes, yesterday test was a total failure but it's alright. You'll never know what's wrong with you if you didn't took that test. You can do it all over again Chalen, just have a little faith on yourself. You're one tough hearted woman. You can do this shit if you start believing and living with your faith. The only chance you have is the moment you're living with. Have faith and see the world in your eyes changing.