August 21, 2014

"no one ask you to be nice to everyone"

Being too nice won't bring you anywhere. You get carried away of taking care of others feelings just because of the fear of rejection; negative outcome. And for such a long time, I never realize I have been living in someone else's life. Living in guilt. I did this quick self-assessment quiz cos I'm starting to feel worst about myself and I don't think I like my answers.
  1. Do you have a hard time saying "no" to others requests, even when they are unreasonable? 
    • I would say "no" in the first place, but they end up begging at me and I don't like it when they do that, so I'll say "yes" to stop them and now, it becomes a habit. A bad one. 
  2. Do you often find yourself under-appreciated and taken for granted?
    • Yes and fuck that. 
  3. Do you believe you're been taken advantage at work or in any personal relationship?
    • When I start thinking deeply about it, sometimes I do feel like I am being taken for granted a few times. Only a few people made me felt that way and I tried saying "no" at them. But stupid me, I still end up helping them. Same people, different situations. 
  4. Do you let people give you thankless tasks they don't want to do themselves?
    • NO. I don't do this.
  5. Do you often go along with what others say and want, even if you feel differently down?
    • If everyone is okay with, then I'll just go along with the majority.
  6. Do your kindness and self-giving often go unreciprocated?
    • Few times, yes. 
  7. Are you afraid of being rejected if you don't go along with certain people's whims and demands?
    • I know this is wrong but for the sake of others desire, all the time. I fear that they might think me as a selfish person or they lose their interest in me, make others hate me and I become friendless.
  8. Do you take care of others first compare to yours?
    •  Yes but I only do this to few people that really matters to me.
Look how fucked up I am right now. I was too depressed about my relationships with everyone, I end up google-ing about my problems. My favorite playlist helped me a bit and made me feel relaxed but it won't last long. All I could think of in my head now is "it's over". My friendship with her is over. We are no longer the same person six years ago. Time and experiences changes us. But I still I have my memories to cherish you. You tough me a lot, all the good ones and the bad ones. I still remember walking home alone from your friend's house just because you want to finish that stupid movie. You didn't even walk me to the door. How funny is that? The pain is still there but it doesn't matters now, cos you no longer care about me and I am about to do that as well. But how in the world am I able to do that? We already been through so many things together. You own a special place in my heart and I will always waiting for you when the time comes. Sometimes I wish you care enough the love I had for you, I wish you would send me long birthday wishes like I do. I hope I didn't have a one-side friendship all this time. You know how much you meant to me? Everything's become a memories now, a past. I couldn't let go of the past, yet. But once I made it, I promise I will look for you and see what the future bring us.

To not make the same mistake, I need boundaries. Yeah, I need that. I have to be wiser enough to set an appropriate boundaries in making friends. Some people are such ungrateful bastard and will only gives you hard times. I don't need that. I deserve same appreciation, mutual respect and reciprocation. I have to accept that not everyone will treat me the way I treat them. There's no reason keeping someone don't never learn to be grateful. I should treat myself with respect so I will attract more respectful relationships in my life. 

It's okay to own a big heart as long as you don't apply it on the wrong person.