May 25, 2014

Almost two

I hit the ground
I crashed everything
My soul flew away
The rain drops 
Hit me so hard
My body is freezing
My hands are shaking
But I didn't felt a thing
No pain
No nothing

Is this what it felt to be lifeless

May 09, 2014

I'm not okay.

I always get myself into trouble(s). I always do. And I'm sick of it. I don't know why I find the idea of having lots of people around you could bring you happiness. Don't ask me why, I just don't know. It annoys me when I do that unconsciously. It annoys me when I complain a lot. It annoys me when I'm feeling annoying. 
Some days, I feel so grateful for everything I had. Some days, I wished I got hit by a car and cry at my own funeral cos I feel worthless and useless. 
I crave for attention most of the time and this is the main reason I get into lots of disappointment. I hate myself but at the same time I don't. I want to be better. Its not okay to feel like this and its okay try harder to be better person. I have lots of questions in my head and I know where to get all the answers but I'm just too scared to seek for it. 
I'm not strong as you think I am. I'm not happy as you see me laughing and smiling without reasons. I'm not the person as you think I am. I'm not being me. I'm lost. I don't like the kind of person I am at this moment. I'm not saying I am not being myself. I don't feel this is me. This is not me. This is not fun side of me. This is the part of me where I will feel lost all the time and ends up 24/7 in my room. You don't know what you want but when you try to make a list about it, you don't know where to start. It's really suck when you feel trashy about yourself. 
Yes, I do realize that there are more people out there with big problems and it doesn't mean mine is not. "I need space" This shit I always tell myself but never really do it. I have tons of things that I wanted to do. I want to start sketching again. I want to improve my cooking. I want to get myself fit again. I want to run. I want a running shoe. I want brothers to be at home on the weekend. I want to watch late night movies with my sister again. I want to meet my best friends. And the most, I want my dog back. I want Jabo.
Right now, I am full anger. I am angry at my sister for being too busy with her school. I am angry at my dad because he can't quit smoking. I am angry at the social network because everyone is sharing their perfect life on it and made me feel pathetic about myself. I am angry at those people who pretend to be happy with their life and made me jealous with their two-sided lifes because there's nothing to be jealous about with these kind of people. I am angry at those people who have high expectation on me. I am angry at those people who made me think that I am important but actually have zero care about things I'm doing. I am so angry designer labels for being so pricey and I am too poor to get one of them. I am angry at myself because I am wasting 70% of my life giving shit about people life. 
It's really difficult to say this out loud. It's not easy to be one with complicated thoughts. They try to stop but it get worst.

May 02, 2014