December 25, 2013

Have a blessed magical Christmas everyone and Happy Birthday Jesus x

Christmas 2013

Days before Christmas were amazing. I have done lots of things. New things. New experiences. "Choirs, caroling and more friends". I had great times with them for 14 days of caroling. But I skipped few nights because I went for part-time-catering. Singing advent and christmas songs joyfully made me felt a lot better and forget about everything for a moment. This is what I wanted to do since I was a kid. Spreading the Christmas cheer. Did I mentioned this is my first time joining caroling? Oh yes, it is. It felt great and I want to do it again on next year. 

I had hard times in helping my brother's wedding preparation. This is because I procrastinate lots of things and I'm screwed. But everything is almost done now. I just need a day break from it and continues it before the big day.

This year, I'm not feeling the spirit of Christmas. But the days before, I was looking forward for it. but just look at me now. I feel empty. I feel lost. Unhappy and insecure. I just want it to come to an end. I want a new day. A new year. 

I need to find myself, over and over again. 
I need a year to look for myself. 

December 04, 2013

Cognitive dissonance

I been having trouble in sleeping ever since school was over. A lot of things will go across my mind right after I close my eyes trying to get some sleep. Things that I don't want to think about. Things that I don't want to live with. Things that I have been trying to get rid off every second of the day. Ugly thoughts that would give the shit outta me. 

At some time, I felt fortunate about myself. I have a good loving family, supportive friends and I was born perfectly which means I am capable in doing anything I wanted. I have good grades in school, minus our final term because the result hasn't came out yet so I don't know what to feel about it. I always keep myself close to God. I list down every blessing I had experienced in daily life. In a nutshell, I am tremendously thankful to my life. 

But every story has it sides. Two sides. Every people I adore, are the same people that gave me heartache. They bring the happiness in me but at the same I end up getting hurt by their words and action. I tell myself, this isn't a good karma. That's the moment I doubt karma exists. Maybe karma isn't real after all. Maybe it's just a phrase used by everyone to keep themselves nice to others. Or perhaps making us feel relieved because we don't have to do any revenge on some people that piss us off. "Karma would do the work" they said. But what had karma done for me? Nothing. If it was real, I wouldn't be feeling this miserable right now. 

Happiness. I want that. So many years of my life, I'd make people happy. Because happy people radiates happiness inside me. I get happy easily on the smallest things. That's not enough. I know it's not enough because sadness always took me over at the end of the day. Maybe I am not doing it right. Maybe it's not the right time; the right people. Each time I get hurt and tell my friends about it, they will always said I think too much. Cared to much. It makes me felt worthless, useless and lost. I always thought of myself, "I can never do anything right" I always end up doing the second choice which include others. The worst part about being me is I rely too much on others. I realized that when I felt happiness from theirs. 

I questioned myself every night. When will this ever going to end?