November 21, 2013

Rainy night

The day after my birthday, I went out with my friends for a swim at waterworld, one of the water theme park we have here in Borneo. When my friends mention about having dinner, my mind came across his name. So, I asked him if he wants to come along to have dinner with us. He said he would like to. So, technically, I'm asking him out. It took me quite hard to ask him out that evening but something makes me felt like I won't be seeing him after this. So, I took the courage to ask him and I did.

We pick him up at his place. I saw him walking inside the hall and my heart skipped a beat. I couldn't describe how happy I was. Seeing him entering the car was the greatest feeling ever. He smells nice. He always do. I was a bit worried that he might get bored in the car, well, a lot actually. I tried to start a conversation. So, yeah. We talked. Its been a while since we talked like this. We barely talk at school recently because I guess we were too busy preparing for our finals. Plus, he always skipped school.  

That night, we had steamboat for dinner. I don't know why all the sudden I get all nervous when we sat close to each other. I haven't felt that way since six months ago, before we stop talking to each other. Knowing that he used to have feeling for me before, makes me wanted to tell him how I felt too. So I told him. I want to do it very clear. I want to know why and how he likes me? Why he didn't tell me before? How much he likes me and how long it last? But words just can't come out, my chest hurts when I tried to speak it out. I end up talking about myself. I always do that. I asked questions that I am not suppose to ask, about his previous girlfriend, which happens to be one of my friend. That's the part that kept me to hold on this feeling for a long time. At the end I said "I had the same feeling for you before" then he paused. He said "Why didn't you told me before?" That question almost made me bursting into tears. But reality check, there's people here bitch, you don't want to cry in front of them. I really don't know what to feel about this guy that moment. 

Then he said "We probably couldn't see each other after this" and I said "Why would you said that?" "I have to get ready lots of things before..." "Oh okay I get it" Oh wow that really suck. I paused myself from talking with him. I was quite sad when he said that because I really don't like goodbyes. Not at all. Especially with him. Then he ask why I get quite all the sudden and I didn't what to answer it so I just say whatever come across my mind. Yeah that continues till we are done with our dinner. Oh I remembered he help me to scoop the ice cream, goddamnit, he looks like a kid and adorable and all that cute stuffs. 

On our way home, we sat at the back. I was all full and sleepy but I don't want to sleep because this probably could be our last night to spend with. We sat very close to each other. I could hear his breath and for god sake, again, he smells so nice. He caught me getting all sleepy and he said "Sleep lahh" and my stupid mentality kicked in, I ask "May I?" I look at his shoulder then his eyes, and he nodded, letting me sleeping on his shoulder. Without any hesitation, I put my head at his shoulder. It felt warm and safe. I would like that moment would last till we reached my place. But his girlfriend wouldn't like what was I doing so I get up because that's a stupid thing to do, especially with him, obviously. After few sec, his hand moves and touches my lap. Shit, I almost freaked out. I don't know want to do. So, I removed his hand. I didn't said anything because I am too scared to ask. When we reached my place, I said goodbye and get off from the car. I wanted to look at him but thank God it's too dark. He said goodbye. And it's a goodbye for real.

I came in the house and everyone was looking at me. I said "What?" and went up upstairs, get into my room and locked the door. I reached the phone and called my friend. Told her what had just happened. She told me he was being stupid and so am I. I was all confused and that whole thing made me think even deeper and she said I should get myself clear for every actions he had done. She told me to wait but I can't. I've been waiting all this time. I was drowning. Drowning with questions. I want answer in order to stop. Or I'll end up depressing all over again. Like I did before. So, I said I want to call him and she said "Okay call him. Make sure you ask everything. Just don't make yourself look like a fool or desperate". I texted him,
"Can I call you?"
Not even a minute he replied "Yeah sure". Then, there it goes. I told him everything and ask him everything. I was in tears. Sobbing like a fool. Told him how special he was to me before (even now he still is) and all those lame stuffs I wrote about him. He was shocked. Of course he is because who wouldn't get shock with this kind of confession. Looks like I confessed at him more than he does. I won't regret for what I've done(at this moment). To let go of him, I must first let go of this feeling. When I started to think he hates me, he started to speak. Then things got a lot better after that. A lot better.

When we hung up, I promise myself that I will get over him. I don't want to have soft feeling on him anymore. It hurts. I don't like seeing myself as a unhappy person. I want the happy me. I want happiness. Happiness that would take over my life.