November 27, 2013

Hope.















That's where every dream started. 
The moment where we all believe in ourselves. 
Believe that there are chances for every good thing to happen.
A hope that will bring us to reach our wildest dream.
The world seems cruel a place to live with.
But not until you believe in hope.

November 22, 2013

Paradise.

My late best friend's birthday today.
I wrote about her few weeks ago.

This entry is dedicated to you Pru.
I love you so much.
Everyone is missing you.
And we will always be.

Every moments we share,
Will always be with me till the day we meet again.

I love you Pru.
And happy 19th birthday.

November 21, 2013

Rainy night

The day after my birthday, I went out with my friends for a swim at waterworld, one of the water theme park we have here in Borneo. When my friends mention about having dinner, my mind came across his name. So, I asked him if he wants to come along to have dinner with us. He said he would like to. So, technically, I'm asking him out. It took me quite hard to ask him out that evening but something makes me felt like I won't be seeing him after this. So, I took the courage to ask him and I did.

We pick him up at his place. I saw him walking inside the hall and my heart skipped a beat. I couldn't describe how happy I was. Seeing him entering the car was the greatest feeling ever. He smells nice. He always do. I was a bit worried that he might get bored in the car, well, a lot actually. I tried to start a conversation. So, yeah. We talked. Its been a while since we talked like this. We barely talk at school recently because I guess we were too busy preparing for our finals. Plus, he always skipped school.  

That night, we had steamboat for dinner. I don't know why all the sudden I get all nervous when we sat close to each other. I haven't felt that way since six months ago, before we stop talking to each other. Knowing that he used to have feeling for me before, makes me wanted to tell him how I felt too. So I told him. I want to do it very clear. I want to know why and how he likes me? Why he didn't tell me before? How much he likes me and how long it last? But words just can't come out, my chest hurts when I tried to speak it out. I end up talking about myself. I always do that. I asked questions that I am not suppose to ask, about his previous girlfriend, which happens to be one of my friend. That's the part that kept me to hold on this feeling for a long time. At the end I said "I had the same feeling for you before" then he paused. He said "Why didn't you told me before?" That question almost made me bursting into tears. But reality check, there's people here bitch, you don't want to cry in front of them. I really don't know what to feel about this guy that moment. 

Then he said "We probably couldn't see each other after this" and I said "Why would you said that?" "I have to get ready lots of things before..." "Oh okay I get it" Oh wow that really suck. I paused myself from talking with him. I was quite sad when he said that because I really don't like goodbyes. Not at all. Especially with him. Then he ask why I get quite all the sudden and I didn't what to answer it so I just say whatever come across my mind. Yeah that continues till we are done with our dinner. Oh I remembered he help me to scoop the ice cream, goddamnit, he looks like a kid and adorable and all that cute stuffs. 

On our way home, we sat at the back. I was all full and sleepy but I don't want to sleep because this probably could be our last night to spend with. We sat very close to each other. I could hear his breath and for god sake, again, he smells so nice. He caught me getting all sleepy and he said "Sleep lahh" and my stupid mentality kicked in, I ask "May I?" I look at his shoulder then his eyes, and he nodded, letting me sleeping on his shoulder. Without any hesitation, I put my head at his shoulder. It felt warm and safe. I would like that moment would last till we reached my place. But his girlfriend wouldn't like what was I doing so I get up because that's a stupid thing to do, especially with him, obviously. After few sec, his hand moves and touches my lap. Shit, I almost freaked out. I don't know want to do. So, I removed his hand. I didn't said anything because I am too scared to ask. When we reached my place, I said goodbye and get off from the car. I wanted to look at him but thank God it's too dark. He said goodbye. And it's a goodbye for real.

I came in the house and everyone was looking at me. I said "What?" and went up upstairs, get into my room and locked the door. I reached the phone and called my friend. Told her what had just happened. She told me he was being stupid and so am I. I was all confused and that whole thing made me think even deeper and she said I should get myself clear for every actions he had done. She told me to wait but I can't. I've been waiting all this time. I was drowning. Drowning with questions. I want answer in order to stop. Or I'll end up depressing all over again. Like I did before. So, I said I want to call him and she said "Okay call him. Make sure you ask everything. Just don't make yourself look like a fool or desperate". I texted him,
"Can I call you?"
Not even a minute he replied "Yeah sure". Then, there it goes. I told him everything and ask him everything. I was in tears. Sobbing like a fool. Told him how special he was to me before (even now he still is) and all those lame stuffs I wrote about him. He was shocked. Of course he is because who wouldn't get shock with this kind of confession. Looks like I confessed at him more than he does. I won't regret for what I've done(at this moment). To let go of him, I must first let go of this feeling. When I started to think he hates me, he started to speak. Then things got a lot better after that. A lot better.

When we hung up, I promise myself that I will get over him. I don't want to have soft feeling on him anymore. It hurts. I don't like seeing myself as a unhappy person. I want the happy me. I want happiness. Happiness that would take over my life.

November 19, 2013

19 and I am blessed.

How can I say this, I have been feeling so happy for these few days. Extremely happy. This year, 2013, on my 19th birthday, was the most memorable day so far in my whole entire life. I have been waiting those 'unexpected things' to happen on me for many years.

Bowling on my birthday eve.
I told my mum that I want to play bowling on my birthday. She said "We'll see". So, on Saturday night, brother bear asked us to get ready for bowling. It really made me happy. I had my first bowling that night and not to forget, my first strike and I won, I beat everyone. I got the highest score. It was a great night. Thanks to everyone. Aw I love my family so much.

Birthday wish on 00:22 am. 
He wished me. That asshole, I don't just want your wish, I want you to tell me truth. The reason why you lied. I think you already knew that I'm trying to get rid of you right? I have been ignoring you since the moment I knew you were not being honest to me. A friend wouldn't do that for no reason(s). But I'm quite happy you remembered. Just happy.

A complete best friends' birthday wishes.
Homie, you did it! You did not forgotten my birthday this year. Last year was such a joke. You forgot the whole thing even if I texted you on that day. I was really upset that day. But it doesn't even matter at all now. I had the best gift ever in my life with my best friends. I love you munyits.

Confession.
"I just wanna say that I had the biggest crush on you before my current girlfriend."
I thought you had forgotten my birthday. You asked me my birthday in early February. It's okay for me to recall everything back now. I don't feel hurt or pity about myself anymore. I'm not a clueless bastard anymore. Because that long birthday wish from you had answered to every questions that been stuck in my head for a long time. I'm glad you told me. I really am. You saved me.

That night I kept on thinking.
What would I do after this?
What should I feel?
I know I should be feeling happy but that won't last forever.
Maybe I should just stay feeling nothing
but that's such a waste cos things like this don't usually happen on me.
Or maybe I should be feeling sad because
I know this thing will be over and people will forget you.
But I don't want to be sad
I have been feeling sad too long now
I'm tired of it
I hate it
It never helps
I told myself that it's time to move on
But, how?
How to move on?
"Once you let go of everything" 
The question is, have I let go of myself?

November 16, 2013

Farewell school life.

Done with school, done with STPM, done with Pre-University.
Lets pray for the best in the future for good result and better life.

I am not going to regret anything.
I don't want to be surrounded with regrets.
Life's a roller coaster, you yourself decide whether it's either good or bad for you.

I won't going to miss school for sure. 
But I will miss the memories I made there.

November 10, 2013

barely under control.

guess what

I have a friend
a friend
who made me thought
that I am important to him
a thought that
I stupidly believe it is true

and of course
with a thought of that
I treat him nicely

help him in school work
show him how to do his assignment
listen to all his whining
and
worst part of all
having faith on him that
he'd change for better

but you
pathetic dumb ass heartless fucking liar

you made everything wrong
you lied to me
to us
to everyone
ugh
fucker

November 05, 2013

Little things

How would you live a life
without your soul 
appreciating those 
little things
such as
the cold mist in the morning
waking up early all by yourself
good talk with your family
finishing a book
listening to your favourite song
meeting with your long lost friend
warm hugs


School life of mine
is almost coming to an end

I'm a bit sad about this
I won't be seeing everyone
my crazy fun friends

November 03, 2013

One day, we will share another laugh, Pru.


God took another angel 
on 27 January 2013. 
The most beautiful angel 
with pure innocent kind heart 
I had ever met.

The hope 
of you will get better,
teared me.

The thought 
of seeing you 
on the coming Sunday,
hurts me.

The thought 
of seeing your face 
with smile and laughing 
at us
cos we came at your room
surprise you
with big photo of us framed,
broke me to pieces. 

The fact that 
I'm seeing you 
in white
lying there 
knowing that 
I won't ever going to 
hear your voice again,
play with your hair
see you
talk to you
and 
I have to
accept the fact
that you are no longer here,
kills me.

I still don't understand
why you have to leave 
leaving me here
this early
too early
you just had your 19th birthday.

How could I say this
when
I wasn't even
there for you 
till the end.

You suffered
you were in pain 
you fought so hard
for a long time
but you stayed strong
and 
God took you 
He took you
because 
you don't deserve to be in this pain.

I wish I could take away 
every pain you felt.
I wish I could give you 
longer time
more years.

But your kind soul 
belongs to the other world,
paradise.

You
will always be in my heart,
live within my heart.
You are loved, 
so much.

I love you Prudence Pearl Manih.