July 31, 2013

you're such a dork

I hope you can tell that I like you because I want you to know that I cherish you. I really like you but I'm afraid. Afraid of rejection. This doesn't mean I'm going to do any move or expecting you to do something but ughh I don't know. This mixed feelings just kills me.
I don't why I'm into guys like you; sometimes I see you as an asshole and there's a time you're being such a sweetheart. And I hate those glittery feeling I get from you. Because you make me sad and happy all the time. I hope this is just a impermanent feeling. Finger crossed*

July 29, 2013

110 lbs

Don't ever refer me with the 'F' word, I never once in my life liked that word. Plus-sized, yes, that's the shit I prefer to hear at. Oh and please don't lie at me when I ask you how I really look like. I can tell you're lying and you don't know what it might lead me to. So don't even try to say I look fine/nice when I am not.

If you're happen to be one of my close-friend, you know how much I'm dying to be fit. I've been wishing for it like forever. I've never been in the 'right-size'. I never felt comfy in any of my shirts or jeans or dresses. I can never accept my body no matter how positive my mind can be. I can accept my self but never for my body. Can you imagine every day, looking at those mirror with your naked body and seeing those extra-fat-creature living inside your body and makes you look horrible in every jeans you owned? No, you probably can't because you're not me. Sometimes I have to wake in the morning and say to my self "This is your last day of being 'big'. So don't worry, you'll survive today." And when you look at the mirror with that figure, it just kills me thinking I might not be having that beautiful perfect figure. No one could ever make me like my body but myself.

I need a pair of running shoe and everything's going to be fine. I want to be fit, strong and healthy.    

July 28, 2013

I can't swim.

This ocean of mixed feelings, I can't get through with it. I'm stuck. I need someone to teach to across this deep blue ocean. But at least I'm not drowning, yet.

July 24, 2013


Seeing you in that condition,
I just can't stand myself from drowning
in those sad, sad eyes of yours.
I don't know why I have that feeling.
That feeling when you're trying your best to make everyone happy.
Making them believe there's still hope. Every moment is a chance.
I keep on doing that everyday.
I know it's not my job keeping everyone's happiness.
But sad faces make me sadder.
I wish this feeling will just go away.
I 'll just waiting till it eventually goes away.
And I'm sure it will.

But, you. Please be happy. Find your own happiness. Your life does not depends on anyone but yourself. Especially your happiness. I taught you those things. I hope you still see me as your friend. I really miss you. But maybe, words are just words. I want the happy you to live in your soul again. I really want to help you.

But not this time.
You gotta find it on your own.
I used to help you, well, as far as I could remember, I did a bit of helping, but it crashed me down. Hard. I end up with depressing and I realized I have completely forgotten about myself. It was a horrible experience. I don't want to feel those again. I won't let it happen to me again. Never.

July 21, 2013

hot day

Last week. Shooting for my sastera assignment. Great job guys. Thanks a  lot!

three days two nights

Sister went to KL with her best friend. Can't wait till she gets home. She has been sending me pictures and I am so envy. Geez. Your time will come soon. Soon, Chalen.

Yesterday we had our MUET paper. Ugh I don't if I did my best for it. Hopefully I'll get a good band for it. In two more weeks, we will have our raya holiday wee. Gonna study all day and night haH just kidding. I might be working part time on the first week. I'm planning on buying my own camera before the end of this year. I need money. Sigh.

July 18, 2013

“Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody.” - Stephen Chbosky

I used to tell you every thing. We used to be so close but it's probably just me. It has always been. I think too much. God damn it, I wish I didn't got attached with you. We barely talk now. And I, I can't even look straight into your eyes. I really miss you seriously. You are such a good listener. I wish I didn't let myself fall for you at the first place. 

July 14, 2013

Feeling like a 12 years old kid again

Visiting baby Mimie

For the first time ever, I finally step my feet in the beautiful Sg Babagon! *applause* We went there for the geography landslide project. Then we straight away went to Mimie's place. Her house is near to the river which is so cool.

July 13, 2013

Hang in there

My Cekal classmates has gotten their UPU result and I am super happy for all of them. Everyone gets to study in great universities and one of them got UM. Gahhhh that's just cray. Jealousy all over me. But all the best on them! So proud of my friends.
My head can't cope with school. It's killing me. I just can't wait to finish my form 6. Half way people, half way. Just one more term and I'll be out from this friggin' school. Teacher said that second term result is on the 15th of July, oh my god, I can't... Okay. Seriously. Lets just hope for the best.

July 10, 2013

poisonous thoughts

Have you ever laid on bed at night and cry over at your pathetic life? Because you're not good enough in 3/4 of your life-wish. Then you started to count at how many people would stay till the end with you but you can't because you have no one, you are all alone. You felt cold all the sudden and you can feel the warm of your tears on your face. When you think of yourself, you felt insecure and ugly and dumb because of all things. Then, you started to worry what might tomorrow brings at you. What if all of your friends start to dump you because they lose interest on you? What if all this time they don't actually wanted to be friends with but they had to because they only feel pity on you because you're pathetic? What if you took the wrong path to your future? What if you end up living without a job or having a job that you don't even like it? What if you get poor and still asking money from your parents till you're 30? What if you lose contact with your best friend and she's a complete stranger in the next 10 years? What if your sister gets married, move out and she forgets all about you because she's having a perfect life? If all of these happens, will I ever be the same? 

July 08, 2013

There's a difference between..

Thinking someone is cute

Having crush on someone

Being interested in someone

Liking someone

Loving someone

Being in love with someone

But I just don't know which one I really felt for you

dear future boyfriend,

July 07, 2013

What a week.

This week was full of event and urghhh I'm getting sunburn. 
Uneven skin is a lot worst compare to being dark. This always happen to me every year esp after sport day. Oh well, beauty products are gonna help me get my skin back.

Sport day was fun! I was in charge for acara lompat jauh together with Mimie and Amy. It was suppose to be four of us but the other friend was emm suspended? Because school was so stupid they suspended everyone who did not go to the spiritual camp and I don't see it is rational for the school to suspend student just like that. Come on, we're 19 and know what we are doing. So, back to sport day, lots of funny things happen for that 2 crazy hot days. Small silly mistakes at the lompat jauh, making drinks for our MPP stall, avoiding our skin for the ultra violet ray(the sun in general), stupid jokes from our juniors and so on. I really enjoyed my time during this sport day for the first time in my life. Perfect sport day for my final year.

Ciara's sport day. This chubby chum chum was such a cutie when it comes to running and playing with her friends. She joined two games and she got first place in running for candies. No one could ever beat her when it comes to candies. Ciara is 3 years old now. Ahh time flies so fast, I feel like an old woman seeing kids growing up. 

July 05, 2013


Probably the most comfy footwear I ever had. I bought it for only RM 15.00, oh it was on sale, so yeah.

July 02, 2013

Now you're talking.

I can't sleep. I can't get into bed with my tummy full. It suck when I accidentally ate an hour before my bed time. Ugh. Regrets. Now I'm stuck with blogging and youtube. 
Ahh I forgot how I much I love Blink 182 and Creed. I never really told anyone I listened to them but yeah in fact, I do. The Calling, Taking Back Sunday, Arctic Monkeys, 3 Doors Down and so on. I just can't believe how they used to conquered the world with their magical songs and that's just so unique. 

Yesterday was pretty plain Monday. Lots of my classmates were absent and yeah, we're losing numbers. Some of my friends quit form 6 and that's such a waste. Hey that's for real. The truth's speaking, hello. Pretty sad they won't be coming classes anymore because less friends, less fun(okay that sound lame hah) maybe they have another plan, a better plan than staying here. But still, I miss everyoneeeeeee sigh :(