December 25, 2013
December 04, 2013
November 27, 2013
November 22, 2013
My late best friend's birthday today.
I wrote about her few weeks ago.
This entry is dedicated to you Pru.
I love you so much.
Everyone is missing you.
And we will always be.
Every moments we share,
Will always be with me till the day we meet again.
I love you Pru.
And happy 19th birthday.
November 21, 2013
"Can I call you?"
November 19, 2013
Bowling on my birthday eve.
I told my mum that I want to play bowling on my birthday. She said "We'll see". So, on Saturday night, brother bear asked us to get ready for bowling. It really made me happy. I had my first bowling that night and not to forget, my first strike and I won, I beat everyone. I got the highest score. It was a great night. Thanks to everyone. Aw I love my family so much.
Birthday wish on 00:22 am.
He wished me. That asshole, I don't just want your wish, I want you to tell me truth. The reason why you lied. I think you already knew that I'm trying to get rid of you right? I have been ignoring you since the moment I knew you were not being honest to me. A friend wouldn't do that for no reason(s). But I'm quite happy you remembered. Just happy.
A complete best friends' birthday wishes.
Homie, you did it! You did not forgotten my birthday this year. Last year was such a joke. You forgot the whole thing even if I texted you on that day. I was really upset that day. But it doesn't even matter at all now. I had the best gift ever in my life with my best friends. I love you munyits.
"I just wanna say that I had the biggest crush on you before my current girlfriend."I thought you had forgotten my birthday. You asked me my birthday in early February. It's okay for me to recall everything back now. I don't feel hurt or pity about myself anymore. I'm not a clueless bastard anymore. Because that long birthday wish from you had answered to every questions that been stuck in my head for a long time. I'm glad you told me. I really am. You saved me.
That night I kept on thinking.
What would I do after this?
What should I feel?
I know I should be feeling happy but that won't last forever.
Maybe I should just stay feeling nothing
but that's such a waste cos things like this don't usually happen on me.
Or maybe I should be feeling sad because
I know this thing will be over and people will forget you.
But I don't want to be sad
I have been feeling sad too long now
I'm tired of it
I hate it
It never helps
I told myself that it's time to move on
How to move on?
"Once you let go of everything"
The question is, have I let go of myself?
November 16, 2013
November 10, 2013
I have a friend
who made me thought
that I am important to him
a thought that
I stupidly believe it is true
and of course
with a thought of that
I treat him nicely
help him in school work
show him how to do his assignment
listen to all his whining
worst part of all
having faith on him that
he'd change for better
pathetic dumb ass heartless fucking liar
you made everything wrong
you lied to me
November 05, 2013
November 03, 2013
October 30, 2013
October 29, 2013
I haven't been honest to myself lately.
I make excuses just to
You're a good friend.
Probably the best one cos no one had ever treated me that way before.
I don't know how to thank you but
be a good listener next to you.
I hope I didn't do anything that might hurt your feeling(s).
October 24, 2013
It's only a week till our final, our last semester. My lord, I want to cry out loud. I won't ever see you again in your blazer with your head, bald and your short nail. Yeah, short nail. You like to keep your nails long and that's grossss
Call me an idiot cos I'm going to tell you these shitty feeling after we are done with our paper. Or maybe not because I don't want you to think you're that good enough to own my attention. You never were that good enough because the reason why I pay so many attention on you because I want to change you.Iwant to see the both of us do well in our future. I want you to prove the others on what you are capable with. I want others to look at me and be like "Whoa how the heck did she changed him?" HahahahHAH told ya this is nothing but pile of shit from my head. But seeing you don't have feeling on me, hurts me. I wished you like me or at least liked me.
October 17, 2013
I really want to tell you about everything that has been running through my head all this time.
wanted to know
if you ever
have the possibility
a soft feeling
If I ever ask you this question one day, I really hope you would answer it honestly,
I don't need any of your sympathy any more.
I don't need you to make me feel important any more.
Yeah. You made me felt like one before.
October 11, 2013
September 29, 2013
September 27, 2013
September 14, 2013
1. Study. I can never stop reminding myself to study every day and night. It's very easy for me to start my revision but my main problem is I can't stick with it. I know this also happen to most you guys, but ugh this is stressing me out. This is my final semester. My previous result were not that good enough. I want to be the best and I have to. This is my last chance to reach my goal. I need to study but first I have to motivate myself. I need motivation!
2. Money. Why can't money grow on a tree? I have so many stuffs to buy now. My happiness is depending on the money I have. The more I have, the happier I will be. Sounds horrible but heyyy nthat's me. Oh wait, I like to look for my own money, I don't ask money that much from my parents. I have my 'Saving Jar' so that should do it. Polaroid and Nikon 1 J2, soon.
3. Family. I have my own family problem. But that's between my brother and my dad. They don't 'get along' with each others since 3 years ago. My parents are getting older and my mum's condition is sighh I don't know how to say this, but the thing is, she's been talking lots of medicine lately and she has appointment with her doctor every month. Whenever I ask her about her review with the doctor, she only said that it was nothing. Nothing but she came home with more medicine. I love you so much mum and I want you to know it.
4. Friends. The happy pills of my life. I miss everyone. I miss how easy it was to be surrounded with friends. I miss those deep talks with my girlfriends. I want those old feelings back but life's better if we just put it behind and live life with memories. Life goes on and I need to, too. All of my friends have their own way now. It's all depend on us to look for time, time to spend with each other. Form 6 is going to end soon. I'm going to miss my crazy ass friends. I've learnt so many things here.
5. School activities. Ugh this is sick. I'm sick of taking in charge on every activities in school. I feel like quitting. I need a break from this and start to focus on my activities before I get my head all blown up.
6. You. You gave me high hopes and I hope this time I won't get drown from it. But I'm ready for it. If it's not me then, it's okay. When you're around you gave me this energy that I am unbeatable. You make me felt safe, ew this is disgusting but yeah I do feel that shit. Actually I'm still lost with my feeling towards you so hah Idk.
August 24, 2013
Lesson number 1 : No more phones at school.I won't be bringing my phone at school after this except for Saturday classes. I don't want to take risk anymore. So, no. One of my classmate copied my assignment because we have the same topic. This guy is the worst. He copied it before asking me and he didn't even did any editing in his assignment. Like what the fuck, mister you need some editing in your assignment. He did told he copied my work but that is only when he had already finish copying it and I was like "Oh okay. As long as you edited it or take the important things only". When I go take a look at his work, wow you fuckery, not even a single sentence were edited? This really piss me off. I put so much effort on my work and what? Ugh screw you.
August 18, 2013
August 17, 2013
August 15, 2013
remember I told you that I would
certainly fall for someone like you
who won't gave that easily
on the person you love so much
loyalty trust commitment
fall for you
I had the worst thought ever
that you might be able
to replace her
to forget the fact that she's gone
well you did
but you gave me the most bitter feeling ever
you started with all those
stupidly fooled me
I can deal with those
won't ever questions those
won't ever try to change you
I will let you do things you like
let you act the way you wanted
let you like people/things you wanted
let you be who you really are
because everything about you
what makes you perfect
I really really like you
then the thought of
wanting more than a friend
how stupid I was
I know I shouldn't hope too much
but I just couldn't help it
that those gifts and smiles were actually meant something
that silly conversation all night were a sign
that you might fall for me
and you might forget about her
like you said before
you will never
why the fuck didn't I noted that before
forgetting about you
was the toughest thing
to do in my life
maybe I haven't
maybe I have
forgotten about you
all I want now is
a perfect start
a fresh one
no more feelings
no more expectation
no more hoping
just two people
and stay as a friends
August 13, 2013
My friend ask me if I wanted to jpin her working during raya and I say I wanted to and so I did. That was my first time.
I had fun while working. I met lots of kind people. It was a great experience. I would like to experience another job again after STPM. I finally earn my first money woohoo life's good but they said it didn't worth it. Yeah I also felt the same way but as long as I have the money then it's okay? Hah.
I worked under BTC which is a halal food caterer. We wore these outfits which was provided by them, according to the dress code.
August 07, 2013
Been taking care on my food intake lately. I only eat rice like once a week. I skip breakfast. Okay I know breakfast the most important meal of the day but I don't feel like eating anything in the morning. I only drank a tall glass of apple+carrot+oat juice. Do you even call that juice geez?
Made two diys in a day! A feather hair clip and headband holder. I'm really happy with that. Talking about diys, so far, I've done :
knot bracelet and other type of bracelets I forgot the names aha
loose tank top
a sling bag from a shirt
accessories organizer -bracelets & necklaces
peter pan collar
floral headband like the one Lana Del Ray always wore in her videos
and... I guess thats all. Ombre shorts is in my number one list now. But first, this women needs money. I need money to buy those pretty die colors. So, need to wait for the right moment.
Today's my friend birthday. We call her Amy cos that's her name. If she's reading this, I recommend you to be happy cos I mentioned your name here aha whatever ahaaa. Nothing special actually. Hey, happy birthday bitch <3
I am going to stay a hostel tomorrow cos I'm working oh yeah baby first timer. I am super excited + scared + worried. I'm working because I just want the money. Money. More money means more happiness for me. Lol jk. But tbh yes.
Alright bitches, that's all for today. Write to you guys soon. Ciao.
August 03, 2013
August 02, 2013
August 01, 2013
If you want to be with me,
please don't give up when I said no or whatever that might turn you down.
I want you to like me. And I have promise myself that I am going to make you like me and fall for me.
I hope that I am doing it right now. It feels such a bliss when you gave me those kind of attention. I want it all the time. I want to make it stay.
Call me old fashion but I want you to make the first move. It just kills me when I knew that you are still into her. I take it as a challenge.
I know there's a lot guys out there but I'm living my momment here. I just don't want to make a waste of it. I don't know if it's worth waiting for someone you don't even know if they really are exsist.
He probably might already exsist.
July 31, 2013
I don't why I'm into guys like you; sometimes I see you as an asshole and there's a time you're being such a sweetheart. And I hate those glittery feeling I get from you. Because you make me sad and happy all the time. I hope this is just a impermanent feeling. Finger crossed*
July 29, 2013
If you're happen to be one of my close-friend, you know how much I'm dying to be fit. I've been wishing for it like forever. I've never been in the 'right-size'. I never felt comfy in any of my shirts or jeans or dresses. I can never accept my body no matter how positive my mind can be. I can accept my self but never for my body. Can you imagine every day, looking at those mirror with your naked body and seeing those extra-fat-creature living inside your body and makes you look horrible in every jeans you owned? No, you probably can't because you're not me. Sometimes I have to wake in the morning and say to my self "This is your last day of being 'big'. So don't worry, you'll survive today." And when you look at the mirror with that figure, it just kills me thinking I might not be having that beautiful perfect figure. No one could ever make me like my body but myself.
I need a pair of running shoe and everything's going to be fine. I want to be fit, strong and healthy.
July 28, 2013
July 24, 2013
I just can't stand myself from drowning
in those sad, sad eyes of yours.
I don't know why I have that feeling.
That feeling when you're trying your best to make everyone happy.
Making them believe there's still hope. Every moment is a chance.
I keep on doing that everyday.
I know it's not my job keeping everyone's happiness.
But sad faces make me sadder.
I wish this feeling will just go away.
I 'll just waiting till it eventually goes away.
And I'm sure it will.
But, you. Please be happy. Find your own happiness. Your life does not depends on anyone but yourself. Especially your happiness. I taught you those things. I hope you still see me as your friend. I really miss you. But maybe, words are just words. I want the happy you to live in your soul again. I really want to help you.
But not this time.
You gotta find it on your own.
I used to help you, well, as far as I could remember, I did a bit of helping, but it crashed me down. Hard. I end up with depressing and I realized I have completely forgotten about myself. It was a horrible experience. I don't want to feel those again. I won't let it happen to me again. Never.
July 21, 2013
Yesterday we had our MUET paper. Ugh I don't if I did my best for it. Hopefully I'll get a good band for it. In two more weeks, we will have our raya holiday wee. Gonna study all day and night haH just kidding. I might be working part time on the first week. I'm planning on buying my own camera before the end of this year. I need money. Sigh.
July 18, 2013
July 14, 2013
July 13, 2013
My Cekal classmates has gotten their UPU result and I am super happy for all of them. Everyone gets to study in great universities and one of them got UM. Gahhhh that's just cray. Jealousy all over me. But all the best on them! So proud of my friends.
My head can't cope with school. It's killing me. I just can't wait to finish my form 6. Half way people, half way. Just one more term and I'll be out from this friggin' school. Teacher said that second term result is on the 15th of July, oh my god, I can't... Okay. Seriously. Lets just hope for the best.
July 10, 2013
July 08, 2013
July 07, 2013
July 05, 2013
July 02, 2013
June 30, 2013
So this week has been pretty messed up because of damn PBS. Urghhhh. Can I end this PBS before August? Is it even possible? But I am much more terrified with sastera because this term we are going to make puisi which means I will be making pantun, syair and so on for only 30 minutes with my rusty brain. For god sake kill me already. I can't *dies* hah jk. Few days ago, teacher Connie asked us to make four pantun. So that night I google some pantun to get some ideas and yeah, I manage to complete all those four pantun. The next day I went to class and show it to my classmates, they were laughing so hard on it.. geez. When I read through it again, it was... hilarious okay, this prove that I have some sense of humor hah haters, be jealous. Gave it to the teacher and she said I have tons of problems with my 'penghayatan' in pantun, if you know what I mean. Okay guys, I admit it, I suck in literature. I am no good in expressing myself in words but sketches/drawing? Yes, probably, maybe, err close enough. I'm still working on with my PBS and oh Lord I hope I can finish this on time. Maybe 2 months earlier before the deadline. Finger crossed*
Had a great weekends with Ciara and Cyrus. Been babysitting them for couple of days. I usually spent most of my weekends upstair, in my room and do
Lastly, my left eye is swelling(because of the stupid haze) and lets hope it's not gonna turn out horrible tomorrow which is the first day school of the week and Janna said there might be student council photography session. Ugh I'm dead.
June 27, 2013
There's this one guy. He looks pretty pissed today and I asked him "hey, are you okay?" and he said "yeah. I'm fine." But his face does not show any of it. Because I don't know why on earth should I care about that guy (probably) feeling/look down that morning, so I asked him again "what happened?" and he said nothing and he's fine again and I was "alright chalen, calm down, he's fine and you've done what a friend should have done." At the moment we entered class, he sat with his friend and fuck you, he told her he has problems and he repeated his story like 1638936 times that time and didn't told me a single word about it by the time I asked him. I was like the fuck did I asked him this morning. Okay chalen, calm yo tits, you better don't give a shit about it. Don't tell me I didn't asked you before mister. Ugh this is fucking annoying and I hate it. Seriously, don't ignore me.
June 23, 2013
June 17, 2013
June 16, 2013
June 13, 2013
What happened to everyone? Like seriously. Why people choose to give up on things that they, themselves had started? Why can't everyone finish what they have started? Why would you lose hope.
Nothing come easy in life. You know it, everyone does. But a little extra hardwork can make difference. It doesn't matter if it's small or big but at least you tried. Most of people quit because they did not even bother to try or put their effort on it.
I wish things were easy as I said. Sadly, there's no such thing.