December 25, 2013

Have a blessed magical Christmas everyone and Happy Birthday Jesus x

Christmas 2013

Days before Christmas were amazing. I have done lots of things. New things. New experiences. "Choirs, caroling and more friends". I had great times with them for 14 days of caroling. But I skipped few nights because I went for part-time-catering. Singing advent and christmas songs joyfully made me felt a lot better and forget about everything for a moment. This is what I wanted to do since I was a kid. Spreading the Christmas cheer. Did I mentioned this is my first time joining caroling? Oh yes, it is. It felt great and I want to do it again on next year. 

I had hard times in helping my brother's wedding preparation. This is because I procrastinate lots of things and I'm screwed. But everything is almost done now. I just need a day break from it and continues it before the big day.

This year, I'm not feeling the spirit of Christmas. But the days before, I was looking forward for it. but just look at me now. I feel empty. I feel lost. Unhappy and insecure. I just want it to come to an end. I want a new day. A new year. 

I need to find myself, over and over again. 
I need a year to look for myself. 

December 04, 2013

Cognitive dissonance

I been having trouble in sleeping ever since school was over. A lot of things will go across my mind right after I close my eyes trying to get some sleep. Things that I don't want to think about. Things that I don't want to live with. Things that I have been trying to get rid off every second of the day. Ugly thoughts that would give the shit outta me. 

At some time, I felt fortunate about myself. I have a good loving family, supportive friends and I was born perfectly which means I am capable in doing anything I wanted. I have good grades in school, minus our final term because the result hasn't came out yet so I don't know what to feel about it. I always keep myself close to God. I list down every blessing I had experienced in daily life. In a nutshell, I am tremendously thankful to my life. 

But every story has it sides. Two sides. Every people I adore, are the same people that gave me heartache. They bring the happiness in me but at the same I end up getting hurt by their words and action. I tell myself, this isn't a good karma. That's the moment I doubt karma exists. Maybe karma isn't real after all. Maybe it's just a phrase used by everyone to keep themselves nice to others. Or perhaps making us feel relieved because we don't have to do any revenge on some people that piss us off. "Karma would do the work" they said. But what had karma done for me? Nothing. If it was real, I wouldn't be feeling this miserable right now. 

Happiness. I want that. So many years of my life, I'd make people happy. Because happy people radiates happiness inside me. I get happy easily on the smallest things. That's not enough. I know it's not enough because sadness always took me over at the end of the day. Maybe I am not doing it right. Maybe it's not the right time; the right people. Each time I get hurt and tell my friends about it, they will always said I think too much. Cared to much. It makes me felt worthless, useless and lost. I always thought of myself, "I can never do anything right" I always end up doing the second choice which include others. The worst part about being me is I rely too much on others. I realized that when I felt happiness from theirs. 

I questioned myself every night. When will this ever going to end?

November 27, 2013


That's where every dream started. 
The moment where we all believe in ourselves. 
Believe that there are chances for every good thing to happen.
A hope that will bring us to reach our wildest dream.
The world seems cruel a place to live with.
But not until you believe in hope.

November 22, 2013


My late best friend's birthday today.
I wrote about her few weeks ago.

This entry is dedicated to you Pru.
I love you so much.
Everyone is missing you.
And we will always be.

Every moments we share,
Will always be with me till the day we meet again.

I love you Pru.
And happy 19th birthday.

November 21, 2013

Rainy night

The day after my birthday, I went out with my friends for a swim at waterworld, one of the water theme park we have here in Borneo. When my friends mention about having dinner, my mind came across his name. So, I asked him if he wants to come along to have dinner with us. He said he would like to. So, technically, I'm asking him out. It took me quite hard to ask him out that evening but something makes me felt like I won't be seeing him after this. So, I took the courage to ask him and I did.

We pick him up at his place. I saw him walking inside the hall and my heart skipped a beat. I couldn't describe how happy I was. Seeing him entering the car was the greatest feeling ever. He smells nice. He always do. I was a bit worried that he might get bored in the car, well, a lot actually. I tried to start a conversation. So, yeah. We talked. Its been a while since we talked like this. We barely talk at school recently because I guess we were too busy preparing for our finals. Plus, he always skipped school.  

That night, we had steamboat for dinner. I don't know why all the sudden I get all nervous when we sat close to each other. I haven't felt that way since six months ago, before we stop talking to each other. Knowing that he used to have feeling for me before, makes me wanted to tell him how I felt too. So I told him. I want to do it very clear. I want to know why and how he likes me? Why he didn't tell me before? How much he likes me and how long it last? But words just can't come out, my chest hurts when I tried to speak it out. I end up talking about myself. I always do that. I asked questions that I am not suppose to ask, about his previous girlfriend, which happens to be one of my friend. That's the part that kept me to hold on this feeling for a long time. At the end I said "I had the same feeling for you before" then he paused. He said "Why didn't you told me before?" That question almost made me bursting into tears. But reality check, there's people here bitch, you don't want to cry in front of them. I really don't know what to feel about this guy that moment. 

Then he said "We probably couldn't see each other after this" and I said "Why would you said that?" "I have to get ready lots of things before..." "Oh okay I get it" Oh wow that really suck. I paused myself from talking with him. I was quite sad when he said that because I really don't like goodbyes. Not at all. Especially with him. Then he ask why I get quite all the sudden and I didn't what to answer it so I just say whatever come across my mind. Yeah that continues till we are done with our dinner. Oh I remembered he help me to scoop the ice cream, goddamnit, he looks like a kid and adorable and all that cute stuffs. 

On our way home, we sat at the back. I was all full and sleepy but I don't want to sleep because this probably could be our last night to spend with. We sat very close to each other. I could hear his breath and for god sake, again, he smells so nice. He caught me getting all sleepy and he said "Sleep lahh" and my stupid mentality kicked in, I ask "May I?" I look at his shoulder then his eyes, and he nodded, letting me sleeping on his shoulder. Without any hesitation, I put my head at his shoulder. It felt warm and safe. I would like that moment would last till we reached my place. But his girlfriend wouldn't like what was I doing so I get up because that's a stupid thing to do, especially with him, obviously. After few sec, his hand moves and touches my lap. Shit, I almost freaked out. I don't know want to do. So, I removed his hand. I didn't said anything because I am too scared to ask. When we reached my place, I said goodbye and get off from the car. I wanted to look at him but thank God it's too dark. He said goodbye. And it's a goodbye for real.

I came in the house and everyone was looking at me. I said "What?" and went up upstairs, get into my room and locked the door. I reached the phone and called my friend. Told her what had just happened. She told me he was being stupid and so am I. I was all confused and that whole thing made me think even deeper and she said I should get myself clear for every actions he had done. She told me to wait but I can't. I've been waiting all this time. I was drowning. Drowning with questions. I want answer in order to stop. Or I'll end up depressing all over again. Like I did before. So, I said I want to call him and she said "Okay call him. Make sure you ask everything. Just don't make yourself look like a fool or desperate". I texted him,
"Can I call you?"
Not even a minute he replied "Yeah sure". Then, there it goes. I told him everything and ask him everything. I was in tears. Sobbing like a fool. Told him how special he was to me before (even now he still is) and all those lame stuffs I wrote about him. He was shocked. Of course he is because who wouldn't get shock with this kind of confession. Looks like I confessed at him more than he does. I won't regret for what I've done(at this moment). To let go of him, I must first let go of this feeling. When I started to think he hates me, he started to speak. Then things got a lot better after that. A lot better.

When we hung up, I promise myself that I will get over him. I don't want to have soft feeling on him anymore. It hurts. I don't like seeing myself as a unhappy person. I want the happy me. I want happiness. Happiness that would take over my life.

November 19, 2013

19 and I am blessed.

How can I say this, I have been feeling so happy for these few days. Extremely happy. This year, 2013, on my 19th birthday, was the most memorable day so far in my whole entire life. I have been waiting those 'unexpected things' to happen on me for many years.

Bowling on my birthday eve.
I told my mum that I want to play bowling on my birthday. She said "We'll see". So, on Saturday night, brother bear asked us to get ready for bowling. It really made me happy. I had my first bowling that night and not to forget, my first strike and I won, I beat everyone. I got the highest score. It was a great night. Thanks to everyone. Aw I love my family so much.

Birthday wish on 00:22 am. 
He wished me. That asshole, I don't just want your wish, I want you to tell me truth. The reason why you lied. I think you already knew that I'm trying to get rid of you right? I have been ignoring you since the moment I knew you were not being honest to me. A friend wouldn't do that for no reason(s). But I'm quite happy you remembered. Just happy.

A complete best friends' birthday wishes.
Homie, you did it! You did not forgotten my birthday this year. Last year was such a joke. You forgot the whole thing even if I texted you on that day. I was really upset that day. But it doesn't even matter at all now. I had the best gift ever in my life with my best friends. I love you munyits.

"I just wanna say that I had the biggest crush on you before my current girlfriend."
I thought you had forgotten my birthday. You asked me my birthday in early February. It's okay for me to recall everything back now. I don't feel hurt or pity about myself anymore. I'm not a clueless bastard anymore. Because that long birthday wish from you had answered to every questions that been stuck in my head for a long time. I'm glad you told me. I really am. You saved me.

That night I kept on thinking.
What would I do after this?
What should I feel?
I know I should be feeling happy but that won't last forever.
Maybe I should just stay feeling nothing
but that's such a waste cos things like this don't usually happen on me.
Or maybe I should be feeling sad because
I know this thing will be over and people will forget you.
But I don't want to be sad
I have been feeling sad too long now
I'm tired of it
I hate it
It never helps
I told myself that it's time to move on
But, how?
How to move on?
"Once you let go of everything" 
The question is, have I let go of myself?

November 16, 2013

Farewell school life.

Done with school, done with STPM, done with Pre-University.
Lets pray for the best in the future for good result and better life.

I am not going to regret anything.
I don't want to be surrounded with regrets.
Life's a roller coaster, you yourself decide whether it's either good or bad for you.

I won't going to miss school for sure. 
But I will miss the memories I made there.

November 10, 2013

barely under control.

guess what

I have a friend
a friend
who made me thought
that I am important to him
a thought that
I stupidly believe it is true

and of course
with a thought of that
I treat him nicely

help him in school work
show him how to do his assignment
listen to all his whining
worst part of all
having faith on him that
he'd change for better

but you
pathetic dumb ass heartless fucking liar

you made everything wrong
you lied to me
to us
to everyone

November 05, 2013

Little things

How would you live a life
without your soul 
appreciating those 
little things
such as
the cold mist in the morning
waking up early all by yourself
good talk with your family
finishing a book
listening to your favourite song
meeting with your long lost friend
warm hugs

School life of mine
is almost coming to an end

I'm a bit sad about this
I won't be seeing everyone
my crazy fun friends

November 03, 2013

One day, we will share another laugh, Pru.

God took another angel 
on 27 January 2013. 
The most beautiful angel 
with pure innocent kind heart 
I had ever met.

The hope 
of you will get better,
teared me.

The thought 
of seeing you 
on the coming Sunday,
hurts me.

The thought 
of seeing your face 
with smile and laughing 
at us
cos we came at your room
surprise you
with big photo of us framed,
broke me to pieces. 

The fact that 
I'm seeing you 
in white
lying there 
knowing that 
I won't ever going to 
hear your voice again,
play with your hair
see you
talk to you
I have to
accept the fact
that you are no longer here,
kills me.

I still don't understand
why you have to leave 
leaving me here
this early
too early
you just had your 19th birthday.

How could I say this
I wasn't even
there for you 
till the end.

You suffered
you were in pain 
you fought so hard
for a long time
but you stayed strong
God took you 
He took you
you don't deserve to be in this pain.

I wish I could take away 
every pain you felt.
I wish I could give you 
longer time
more years.

But your kind soul 
belongs to the other world,

will always be in my heart,
live within my heart.
You are loved, 
so much.

I love you Prudence Pearl Manih. 

October 30, 2013

Can you spell g i r l f r i e n d?

One of the reason I love Pre-U; having my amazing, crazy, smart and supportive girlfriends around me all the time. Life in Pre-U will never be this adventurous without them. I am going to cherish every moments we had. I love you girlfriends.

October 29, 2013

I lied.

"you can always lie to other but not yourself"

I haven't been honest to myself lately.
I make excuses just to
avoid you.

You're a good friend.
Probably the best one cos no one had ever treated me that way before.
I don't know how to thank you but
be a good listener next to you.
I hope I didn't do anything that might hurt your feeling(s).

October 24, 2013

You own my attention

and that's not a good thing. I rely too much on you. I hope so much from you. Maybe because this is the first time ever, I feel safe with someone like you. People may look at you like you're the biggest jerk ever or worst guy to go out with, but ugh that what makes me, oh for the sake of cheese, I think I'm into you. Can't believe this but it's happening again. Those feeling from previous year is back. But this time it has grown. Why am I feeling this crappy shit

It's only a week till our final, our last semester. My lord, I want to cry out loud. I won't ever see you again in your blazer with your head, bald and your short nail. Yeah, short nail. You like to keep your nails long and that's grossss

Call me an idiot cos I'm going to tell you these shitty feeling after we are done with our paper. Or maybe not because I don't want you to think you're that good enough to own my attention. You never were that good enough because the reason why I pay so many attention on you because I want to change you.Iwant to see the both of us do well in our future. I want you to prove the others on what you are capable with. I want others to look at me and be like "Whoa how the heck did she changed him?" HahahahHAH told ya this is nothing but pile of shit from my head. But seeing you don't have feeling on me, hurts me. I wished you like me or at least liked me.  

October 17, 2013

"you guys look cute together"

This line came out from my friend who I just bumped into with at the beach. It's been on my mind all night. Yes. I would like to be your girl but I wish things were that easy.

I really want to tell you about everything that has been running through my head all this time.

"I really
wanted to know
if you ever
have the possibility
on having
a soft feeling
on me?"

If I ever ask you this question one day, I really hope you would answer it honestly,
I don't need any of your sympathy any more.
I don't need you to make me feel important any more.
Yeah. You made me felt like one before.

October 11, 2013

clear my mind, free my soul, surprise me with happiness

It broke my heart. 
You, broke it.
I felt used 
I felt betrayed 
I felt cheated. 

I push myself so hard
just to hate you.
But the more I hate you
the more I think about liking you
this feeling,
it makes me happy 
but still 
it annoys me 
but most of the time
the laugh we shared
cures the scars inside of me.

Those broken pieces of happiness seems getting back together again
when we are close
but you 
part them away 
few times,
probably there's more in the future.

Now, I don't know. I don't know what to feel. 
Maybe I shouldn't hope too much in the first place.

September 29, 2013

hey hey new pet iz in da houseee.

Call it Princess Mel cos this is my sister's, her little demon.

September 27, 2013

high hopes

I can't stand it when people start giving me expectations, hopes and promises. I get all excited and think too much. It get worst when I, myself started all the hoping and so on. Please dear self, hold on your feeling till the final paper ends. This is the only way for me to get out from this place.

September 14, 2013

can you not think too much

study. money. family. friends. school activities. you.

1. Study. I can never stop reminding myself to study every day and night. It's very easy for me to start my revision but my main problem is I can't stick with it. I know this also happen to most you guys, but ugh this is stressing me out. This is my final semester. My previous result were not that good enough. I want to be the best and I have to. This is my last chance to reach my goal. I need to study but first I have to motivate myself. I need motivation!

2. Money. Why can't money grow on a tree? I have so many stuffs to buy now. My happiness is depending on the money I have. The more I have, the happier I will be. Sounds horrible but heyyy nthat's me. Oh wait, I like to look for my own money, I don't ask money that much from my parents. I have my 'Saving Jar' so that should do it. Polaroid and Nikon 1 J2, soon.

3. Family. I have my own family problem. But that's between my brother and my dad. They don't 'get along' with each others since 3 years ago. My parents are getting older and my mum's condition is sighh I don't know how to say this, but the thing is, she's been talking lots of medicine lately and she has appointment with her doctor every month. Whenever I ask her about her review with the doctor, she only said that it was nothing. Nothing but she came home with more medicine. I love you so much mum and I want you to know it.

4. Friends. The happy pills of my life. I miss everyone. I miss how easy it was to be surrounded with friends. I miss those deep talks with my girlfriends. I want those old feelings back but life's better if we just put it behind and live life with memories. Life goes on and I need to, too. All of my friends have their own way now. It's all depend on us to look for time, time to spend with each other. Form 6 is going to end soon. I'm going to miss my crazy ass friends. I've learnt so many things here.

5. School activities. Ugh this is sick. I'm sick of taking in charge on every activities in school. I feel like quitting. I need a break from this and start to focus on my activities before I get my head all blown up.

6. You. You gave me high hopes and I hope this time I won't get drown from it. But I'm ready for it. If it's not me then, it's okay. When you're around you gave me this energy that I am unbeatable. You make me felt safe, ew this is disgusting but yeah I do feel that shit. Actually I'm still lost with my feeling towards you so hah Idk.     

September 12, 2013


I like you so much :(

August 24, 2013

Chaotic week

Too many events on this week. First, we had our pre-U sport competition. I didn't join any games because I'm not the sporty-fit-type of people but I'm sure I will only going to humiliate myself if I joined. Sadly, our school didn't won any of the competition. Tbh everyone were too lazy or busy enjoying that 2 weeks of holiday, so they didn't came for practice. Sad news for sport school. Then, we had our Merdeka day and 1M fashion show on Wednesday. Every student have to wear 1M attire. I wore baju kurung that day and it was lame because I wore my sister's outdated baju kurung. I just want that day to end quickly. Also on that day, the teachers did a spot-check in every pre-U class and lots of phone's were taken. One of our junior updated her status in facebook. A teacher saw it and reported it to Mrs Judy. And shit happens. 
Lesson number 1 : No more phones at school.
I won't be bringing my phone at school after this except for Saturday classes. I don't want to take risk anymore. So, no. One of my classmate copied my assignment because we have the same topic. This guy is the worst. He copied it before asking me and he didn't even did any editing in his assignment. Like what the fuck, mister you need some editing in your assignment. He did told he copied my work but that is only when he had already finish copying it and I was like "Oh okay. As long as you edited it or take the important things only". When I go take a look at his work, wow you fuckery, not even a single sentence were edited? This really piss me off. I put so much effort on my work and what? Ugh screw you. 

August 18, 2013

more than 300 pageviews! I love you readers.

Made this blog around the month June and it had reach more than 300 page views. Yes. I'm quite happy with that. I have another blog but it was pretty shitty and I'm too lazy to customize everything. So, I decided to make a new one and this is it. 
In short, whoever you guys are, I just want to say thank you so much for reading my blog 

oh and this is muh creepy face with  a note saying thank you to ya all

August 17, 2013

What I need is...

A denim jacket. Like so badly.
It goes well with every dresses I own.
I really need this.
This is August must have. 

August 16, 2013

August 15, 2013

3 days till school

I'm almost done with my assignments. All I need to do now is preparing my presentation and print it out. We were suppose to have class today but the world is on my side and class was canceled. So, I spent this whole night with assignment and pushing myself to finish em all. This is the best feeling ever. I'm almost there. T H I S close. 

You used to be

my closest guy friend ever
remember I told you that I would
certainly fall for someone like you
who won't gave that easily
on the person you love so much
loyalty trust commitment
I did
fall for you

that night
I had the worst thought ever
that you might be able
to replace her
help me
to forget the fact that she's gone
well you did
but you gave me the most bitter feeling ever

you started with all those
sweet words
darling eyes
heart-melting smile
clumsy behaviors
stupidly fooled me

I can deal with those
won't ever questions those
won't ever try to change you
I will let you do things you like
let you act the way you wanted
let you like people/things you wanted
let you be who you really are
because everything about you
what makes you perfect
I really really like you
then the thought of
wanting more than a friend
destroys me

how stupid I was
I know I shouldn't hope too much
but I just couldn't help it
that those gifts and smiles were actually meant something
that silly conversation all night were a sign
that you might fall for me
and you might forget about her
you never
like you said before
you will never
why the fuck didn't I noted that before

forgetting about you
was the toughest thing
to do in my life

maybe I haven't
maybe I have
forgotten about you

all I want now is
a perfect start
a fresh one

no more feelings
no more expectation
no more hoping

just two people
and stay as a friends

August 13, 2013


Took a day off yesterday. I paused every pbs I had and enjoy the by doing nothing. I slept the whole day because sleep had never been enough while working as a part time caterer. 
My friend ask me if I wanted to jpin her working during raya and I say I wanted to and so I did. That was my first time. 
I had fun while working. I met lots of kind people. It was a great experience. I would like to experience another job again after STPM. I finally earn my first money woohoo life's good but they said it didn't worth it. Yeah I also felt the same way but as long as I have the money then it's okay? Hah.
I worked under BTC which is a halal food caterer. We wore these outfits which was provided by them, according to the dress code.

August 07, 2013

Raya Holiday bitches

Here I am sitting in my room. Typing, blogging. Done with our test last week and I suck. I only put 60% effort on it and I don't care about what marks I'm getting later. School holiday treated me pretty well so far. But I felt like a pig because I can't get myself off from the bed early. This is not good. Not good. Ugh suck to be me. My assignments are all 3/4 done. A little bit more and I'm done. I just can't wait till I get it all done! I'm almost there nigga

Been taking care on my food intake lately. I only eat rice like once a week. I skip breakfast. Okay I know breakfast the most important meal of the day but I don't feel like eating anything in the morning. I only drank a tall glass of apple+carrot+oat juice. Do you even call that juice geez?

Made two diys in a day! A feather hair clip and headband holder. I'm really happy with that. Talking about diys, so far, I've done :
feather earring
knot bracelet and other type of bracelets I forgot the names aha
loose tank top
phone case
memory jar
a sling bag from a shirt
accessories organizer -bracelets & necklaces
earring holder
peter pan collar
floral headband like the one Lana Del Ray always wore in her videos
chain halo

and... I guess thats all. Ombre shorts is in my number one list now. But first, this women needs money. I need money to buy those pretty die colors. So, need to wait for the right moment.

Today's my friend birthday. We call her Amy cos that's her name. If she's reading this, I recommend you to be happy cos I mentioned your name here aha whatever ahaaa. Nothing special actually. Hey, happy birthday bitch <3

I am going to stay a hostel tomorrow cos I'm working oh yeah baby first timer. I am super excited + scared + worried. I'm working because I just want the money. Money. More money means more happiness for me. Lol jk. But tbh yes.
Alright bitches, that's all for today. Write to you guys soon. Ciao. 

August 03, 2013


I wonder...
Is it wrong to distance yourself at certain people in your life?
Not forever but quite a long time. Like months or years.
Because if we people are really meant to live together in the future, we wouldn't have to struggle right?

August 02, 2013

Ew fuck you.

I change my mind. Forget all the things I said yesterday.
That's why I said it was an ugly thoughts.

August 01, 2013

Ugly thoughts.

If you want to be with me,
please don't give up when I said no or whatever that might turn you down.
I want you to like me. And I have promise myself that I am going to make you like me and fall for me.
I hope that I am doing it right now. It feels such a bliss when you gave me those kind of attention. I want it all the time. I want to make it stay.
Call me old fashion but I want you to make the first move. It just kills me when I knew that you are still into her. I take it as a challenge.
I know there's a lot guys out there but I'm living my momment here. I just don't want to make a waste of it. I don't know if it's worth waiting for someone you don't even know if they really are exsist.
He probably might already exsist.

July 31, 2013

you're such a dork

I hope you can tell that I like you because I want you to know that I cherish you. I really like you but I'm afraid. Afraid of rejection. This doesn't mean I'm going to do any move or expecting you to do something but ughh I don't know. This mixed feelings just kills me.
I don't why I'm into guys like you; sometimes I see you as an asshole and there's a time you're being such a sweetheart. And I hate those glittery feeling I get from you. Because you make me sad and happy all the time. I hope this is just a impermanent feeling. Finger crossed*

July 29, 2013

110 lbs

Don't ever refer me with the 'F' word, I never once in my life liked that word. Plus-sized, yes, that's the shit I prefer to hear at. Oh and please don't lie at me when I ask you how I really look like. I can tell you're lying and you don't know what it might lead me to. So don't even try to say I look fine/nice when I am not.

If you're happen to be one of my close-friend, you know how much I'm dying to be fit. I've been wishing for it like forever. I've never been in the 'right-size'. I never felt comfy in any of my shirts or jeans or dresses. I can never accept my body no matter how positive my mind can be. I can accept my self but never for my body. Can you imagine every day, looking at those mirror with your naked body and seeing those extra-fat-creature living inside your body and makes you look horrible in every jeans you owned? No, you probably can't because you're not me. Sometimes I have to wake in the morning and say to my self "This is your last day of being 'big'. So don't worry, you'll survive today." And when you look at the mirror with that figure, it just kills me thinking I might not be having that beautiful perfect figure. No one could ever make me like my body but myself.

I need a pair of running shoe and everything's going to be fine. I want to be fit, strong and healthy.    

July 28, 2013

I can't swim.

This ocean of mixed feelings, I can't get through with it. I'm stuck. I need someone to teach to across this deep blue ocean. But at least I'm not drowning, yet.

July 24, 2013


Seeing you in that condition,
I just can't stand myself from drowning
in those sad, sad eyes of yours.
I don't know why I have that feeling.
That feeling when you're trying your best to make everyone happy.
Making them believe there's still hope. Every moment is a chance.
I keep on doing that everyday.
I know it's not my job keeping everyone's happiness.
But sad faces make me sadder.
I wish this feeling will just go away.
I 'll just waiting till it eventually goes away.
And I'm sure it will.

But, you. Please be happy. Find your own happiness. Your life does not depends on anyone but yourself. Especially your happiness. I taught you those things. I hope you still see me as your friend. I really miss you. But maybe, words are just words. I want the happy you to live in your soul again. I really want to help you.

But not this time.
You gotta find it on your own.
I used to help you, well, as far as I could remember, I did a bit of helping, but it crashed me down. Hard. I end up with depressing and I realized I have completely forgotten about myself. It was a horrible experience. I don't want to feel those again. I won't let it happen to me again. Never.

July 21, 2013

hot day

Last week. Shooting for my sastera assignment. Great job guys. Thanks a  lot!

three days two nights

Sister went to KL with her best friend. Can't wait till she gets home. She has been sending me pictures and I am so envy. Geez. Your time will come soon. Soon, Chalen.

Yesterday we had our MUET paper. Ugh I don't if I did my best for it. Hopefully I'll get a good band for it. In two more weeks, we will have our raya holiday wee. Gonna study all day and night haH just kidding. I might be working part time on the first week. I'm planning on buying my own camera before the end of this year. I need money. Sigh.

July 18, 2013

“Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody.” - Stephen Chbosky

I used to tell you every thing. We used to be so close but it's probably just me. It has always been. I think too much. God damn it, I wish I didn't got attached with you. We barely talk now. And I, I can't even look straight into your eyes. I really miss you seriously. You are such a good listener. I wish I didn't let myself fall for you at the first place. 

July 14, 2013

Feeling like a 12 years old kid again

Visiting baby Mimie

For the first time ever, I finally step my feet in the beautiful Sg Babagon! *applause* We went there for the geography landslide project. Then we straight away went to Mimie's place. Her house is near to the river which is so cool.

July 13, 2013

Hang in there

My Cekal classmates has gotten their UPU result and I am super happy for all of them. Everyone gets to study in great universities and one of them got UM. Gahhhh that's just cray. Jealousy all over me. But all the best on them! So proud of my friends.
My head can't cope with school. It's killing me. I just can't wait to finish my form 6. Half way people, half way. Just one more term and I'll be out from this friggin' school. Teacher said that second term result is on the 15th of July, oh my god, I can't... Okay. Seriously. Lets just hope for the best.

July 10, 2013

poisonous thoughts

Have you ever laid on bed at night and cry over at your pathetic life? Because you're not good enough in 3/4 of your life-wish. Then you started to count at how many people would stay till the end with you but you can't because you have no one, you are all alone. You felt cold all the sudden and you can feel the warm of your tears on your face. When you think of yourself, you felt insecure and ugly and dumb because of all things. Then, you started to worry what might tomorrow brings at you. What if all of your friends start to dump you because they lose interest on you? What if all this time they don't actually wanted to be friends with but they had to because they only feel pity on you because you're pathetic? What if you took the wrong path to your future? What if you end up living without a job or having a job that you don't even like it? What if you get poor and still asking money from your parents till you're 30? What if you lose contact with your best friend and she's a complete stranger in the next 10 years? What if your sister gets married, move out and she forgets all about you because she's having a perfect life? If all of these happens, will I ever be the same? 

July 08, 2013

There's a difference between..

Thinking someone is cute

Having crush on someone

Being interested in someone

Liking someone

Loving someone

Being in love with someone

But I just don't know which one I really felt for you

dear future boyfriend,

July 07, 2013

What a week.

This week was full of event and urghhh I'm getting sunburn. 
Uneven skin is a lot worst compare to being dark. This always happen to me every year esp after sport day. Oh well, beauty products are gonna help me get my skin back.

Sport day was fun! I was in charge for acara lompat jauh together with Mimie and Amy. It was suppose to be four of us but the other friend was emm suspended? Because school was so stupid they suspended everyone who did not go to the spiritual camp and I don't see it is rational for the school to suspend student just like that. Come on, we're 19 and know what we are doing. So, back to sport day, lots of funny things happen for that 2 crazy hot days. Small silly mistakes at the lompat jauh, making drinks for our MPP stall, avoiding our skin for the ultra violet ray(the sun in general), stupid jokes from our juniors and so on. I really enjoyed my time during this sport day for the first time in my life. Perfect sport day for my final year.

Ciara's sport day. This chubby chum chum was such a cutie when it comes to running and playing with her friends. She joined two games and she got first place in running for candies. No one could ever beat her when it comes to candies. Ciara is 3 years old now. Ahh time flies so fast, I feel like an old woman seeing kids growing up. 

July 05, 2013


Probably the most comfy footwear I ever had. I bought it for only RM 15.00, oh it was on sale, so yeah.

July 02, 2013

Now you're talking.

I can't sleep. I can't get into bed with my tummy full. It suck when I accidentally ate an hour before my bed time. Ugh. Regrets. Now I'm stuck with blogging and youtube. 
Ahh I forgot how I much I love Blink 182 and Creed. I never really told anyone I listened to them but yeah in fact, I do. The Calling, Taking Back Sunday, Arctic Monkeys, 3 Doors Down and so on. I just can't believe how they used to conquered the world with their magical songs and that's just so unique. 

Yesterday was pretty plain Monday. Lots of my classmates were absent and yeah, we're losing numbers. Some of my friends quit form 6 and that's such a waste. Hey that's for real. The truth's speaking, hello. Pretty sad they won't be coming classes anymore because less friends, less fun(okay that sound lame hah) maybe they have another plan, a better plan than staying here. But still, I miss everyoneeeeeee sigh :(

June 30, 2013


July is coming. Yehaa! 5 more months till I'm done with STPM. Can't wait to get my ass out from that school. But I'm sure I'm going to miss my crazy friends there. Especially my 4 bitches and the rest of course.
So this week has been pretty messed up because of damn PBS. Urghhhh. Can I end this PBS before August? Is it even possible? But I am much more terrified with sastera because this term we are going to make puisi which means I will be making pantun, syair and so on for only 30 minutes with my rusty brain. For god sake kill me already. I can't *dies* hah jk. Few days ago, teacher Connie asked us to make four pantun. So that night I google some pantun to get some ideas and yeah, I manage to complete all those four pantun. The next day I went to class and show it to my classmates, they were laughing so hard on it.. geez. When I read through it again, it was... hilarious okay, this prove that I have some sense of humor hah haters, be jealous. Gave it to the teacher and she said I have tons of problems with my 'penghayatan' in pantun, if you know what I mean. Okay guys, I admit it, I suck in literature. I am no good in expressing myself in words but sketches/drawing? Yes, probably, maybe, err close enough. I'm still working on with my PBS and oh Lord I hope I can finish this on time. Maybe 2 months earlier before the deadline. Finger crossed*
Had a great weekends with Ciara and Cyrus. Been babysitting them for couple of days. I usually spent most of my weekends upstair, in my room and do homework (killing the time actually). Plus, I even had a good workout for 3 days straight. Great job Chalen. That's what I call determination! Did I mention Ciara was with me like 10-15 minutes during my workout haha. She was funny. She even tried to do the split in front of me. I helped her for a while but I just couldn't hold on my laugh and laugh so hard at her. She got mad and stop joining me. That cute chubby chum chum.
Lastly, my left eye is swelling(because of the stupid haze) and lets hope it's not gonna turn out horrible tomorrow which is the first day school of the week and Janna said there might be student council photography session. Ugh I'm dead. 

June 27, 2013

I asked you first, asshole.

I have referring to lots of people 'asshole' lately. Ugh okay, I need to stop cursing too much.
There's this one guy. He looks pretty pissed today and I asked him "hey, are you okay?" and he said "yeah. I'm fine." But his face does not show any of it. Because I don't know why on earth should I care about that guy (probably) feeling/look down that morning, so I asked him again "what happened?" and he said nothing and he's fine again and I was "alright chalen, calm down, he's fine and you've done what a friend should have done." At the moment we entered class, he sat with his friend and fuck you, he told her he has problems and he repeated his story like 1638936 times that time and didn't told me a single word about it by the time I asked him. I was like the fuck did I asked him this morning. Okay chalen, calm yo tits, you better don't give a shit about it. Don't tell me I didn't asked you before mister. Ugh this is fucking annoying and I hate it. Seriously, don't ignore me. 

June 23, 2013

Please don't be so nice to me.

I don't want you to act to so nice next to me. Don't offer yourself to do things for me when you don't even mean it.
Don't. Just don't.

June 17, 2013


One of these day, I will tell what's really inside my head and not give a shit on what you think of me after it's done. How come we're barely friends right now? How the fuck did you do that? All those lies and stuffs. That's a total A+ asshole. 

And by the way, aren't you tired of pretending? 

June 16, 2013

Papa bear and brother bear.

My first love, my hero. My dad. The man who never gave up in loving me through thick and thin. I love you dad. Happy Father's Day

June 13, 2013

Blessed friendship.

I thank God for having her in my life. I love you Jane.

"Don't lose hope on yourself"

What happened to everyone? Like seriously. Why people choose to give up on things that they, themselves had started? Why can't everyone finish what they have started? Why would you lose hope.
Nothing come easy in life. You know it, everyone does. But a little extra hardwork can make difference. It doesn't matter if it's small or big but at least you tried. Most of people quit because they did not even bother to try or put their effort on it.
I wish things were easy as I said. Sadly, there's no such thing.

June 10, 2013


It's pretty difficult to have the time of your own when you don't have your own room. I don't have a room? Long short story. My brother hire this nanny few months ago. The nanny is staying in my room because our house don't have any extra room. I was really pissed by my brother when he asked me to move but now I guess it's okay. It's only for 8-9 months (I miss my room).
At this moment I'm staying in my sister's room. So basically, we're roommates. We have problem on staying together. The closet, our books, sleeping with the lights on and the mirror issue of course. We always fight about those stuffs. But it's cool. We're sisters so it's nothing but normal.
Sometimes before we fell asleep, we will talk on many things; my friends, her friends, stuffs we want to do in the future, promises and her boyfriend. Some days, I will do her hair and she will clean the bed/room. Nothing felt better when you are having perfect bonding with your one and only sister. There are so much love felt when we spend the days and nights together. Ahh I love my sister.

These two are my favorite photos of her.