February 14, 2017

A war with myself.

Awful thoughts has been keep popping up and interrupting me recently. Its already heavy enough to have a war inside of your head. A war between your mind and your responsibilities, tasks, commitment, staying on track and financial. But somehow it doesn't seem enough with a war on yourself. When the people around you keep giving negative vibes, I seriously can't. Its too much. Just freaking too much. I don't think I could recall when was the last time I slept without having tears on my pillow. Its true. I just want to get it over. Is this some kind of mental illness that bring out only the worst of me? Why is it life seems so out of purpose right now? A part of me is half-alive and I refused to make the other one turn out the same. 

So, please. This condition is not something you could stop by saying "Don't be sad" or "You're just thinking too much". I need nothing but your hand, your helping hand - to hold me and drag me to where I have to be. 

I could not count on anyone but one thing I could count on is I need your help; stop doing whatever destroys me. 
Stop. 

Just stop.

February 09, 2017

Making it right.

I am always grateful for the choices and decisions that I made these pass few years. I always tell myself I am lucky in almost every moment of my life (well, about 30% of it are probably not but at least it taught me great lessons). I believe good things happen when you start to believe them. Why do I feel this way? Because I keep my believes in prayers. I believe having honest conversation with God is relieving, lightening, motivating and beautiful. There's no other 'real talk' other than with Him. Since I start believing in You, Lord, good things always happens to me and it still is. The only favor I could do as a return for you is staying loyal and talk to you as much as I could.

What I am trying to point out here is every person in this earth are blessed when they start thinking they are. This is not some spiritual writing or anything on promoting my faith but it just something that I recently realized - faith and luck. Sometimes I wonder till when will this luck last on me? Then, I realized I am not suppose to question it but suppose to believe it and be grateful about it. Don't ask for more but just be thankful - its already more than enough. Even the tiniest things; the good sleep, a good friend to talk to, the smile my parents made when I told them I pass my Japan lvl 2 (I have no idea why I took the most difficult language but I did not regret it tho), the unexpected discount on stuffs you bought, finding a car park at peak time and so much more.

This short semester break made me realized that I am truly blessed. The people around me are the best people ever. I wasn't referring the companies I had during semester break, but throughout my life. Some may not last long but they were there for many reasons. I love the people who radiates good energy for me. They made me realized what I am capable of and showed me how limitless life is. The friends that you could count on, lighten your days, inspire you, appreciate you, need you, motivate you, bring out the best version of you and keep you close to your faith. 

Start believing all the good things about yourself and life will surprise you. Trust yourself and everything will be provided just as how strong you believe it is. 

November 09, 2016

Its okay dear self

First,
I was scared,
But then I found out your favorite food,
And it gave me the idea that you're approachable,
It was true and I like that.

Then I think you're funny when you are being nonsense,
It tickled me seeing you being crazy,
I started to remember our conversation,
And I begin to like you do the talking instead of me,
You talk too much,
All of your stories stuck in my head,
And at that moment,
I realized that you were something.

I realize I enjoyed you being comfortable with me,
Made me happy that I had your trust,
We shared similar traits and I like that,
That's cool.

Then, I listened to your favorite songs,
Turned out that each songs used to be my favorite,
Was tempted to open up myself to you,
But then,
I realize everyone is falling head over heels for you.

I start to lose interest in you,
But I long for the trust you had in me,
Avoiding myself,
So I took a step behind,
Because everyone likes you,
That's good,
Because I can see you are happy now.

But dear self,
It has been months,
Wake up,
Its over,
You already missed your chance,
You dumb,
But you're not.

Because its okay.
Its okay.

I made the right choice.

October 12, 2016

You'll get the hang of it

Dear self, don't worry. All the tearful nights, choking yourself with responsibilities, dealing with f*cktards and time & energy invested on works and studies, it teaches you a lesson that you couldn't learn by reading books or yourself. These are the sweats and tears that you will worth to grew from those. Soon, you will thank yourself. 

In the future, you will reflect your life and said "Dayum, I used to be someone beyond my limits." 

Its an important moment of your life to be reflected in the future. When you want to give up and let go of something, please dear self, please, I beg you, please remember those moment. You have been through a lot of hardship. Take it as a reflection that remind yourself to be fearless to face another stages of life. Life is not getting easier. The closer you are to your dream, the harder it gets. Similar situation happen when you got yourself closer to the Lord. But the hardship are fruitful and the sweetest feeling you could ever imagined.

This is only the chance I got. I only have less than a year left in this campus;10 friggin' months to be exact to call myself as a student. I don't know if you understand this feeling but for me, I am so not ready to leave the life as a student. I don't know if I could adapt myself as someone who considered as an independent adult, working women and having salary every month. Getting more and more responsibilities more than your siblings. Not getting any allowance from your parents or enjoying the the scholarship from the government. But to be an individual that required to face the globalized world; surviving in this competitive and corrupted society. By corrupted I meant, the society isn't as what they seems as they look or act. Plus, you could never live the life like we did in the 20th century. Come on dear, this is a new era where the earth are transformed into border-less world. 

As you(me) read through your blog, note yourself that you are getting better and better. The life you're living in now might not be exactly the same as you had plan back in 5 years ago, but life seems good at this moment. It possibly might happen again in the next 3-5 years - you could be standing in different land and speaking new languages. Whatever the life is, promise yourself that you will make yourself proud. You will and always be. Keep this spirit goes on and enjoy the rest of the moment. I swear, these experiences, you will never stop feeling grateful about it. There is so much to explore and to learn than staying in your comfort zone. 

Keep going, you will reach the life you never imagine you could be. Be forever blessed. 

September 18, 2016

The good and the bad.

When the time comes, someone will noticed you. 
Everything - the good and the bad.
Your fake confidence.
Being panic without reasons.
Your shaky voice as you point out your opinion in the crowd.
The effort you put on your eyebrows.
Caught you falling asleep in random places.
The mole you had in your palm.
Your fruity smells.
Walking so fast when you're alone.
Your eyes rolls as you feel annoyed.
Always keep your plate clear every lunch/dinner.
Eating snacks while no one watching.
You chew gums to avoid from dozing off.
Faking a phone call just to avoid awkward short-catch-up.
Doodles when situation gets bored.
Always fall asleep during road trips.
Cries every single time when there is a scene of animal are killed in movies.

. . .

When the time comes, someone will accept you. 
Everything - the good and the bad.
Accept the fact that he is on the third place because family and friends comes right after God.
That muffin top of yours that shows when you're sitting down.
Your messy tangled hair.
Sneezing like a dude.
Your snores while sleeping.
Romance is always the number one choice watching a movie.
How you regret after watching a horror movie.
Your random thoughts and your craving for deep conversation.
Spontaneous plans.
Your dream on travelling the globe.
2 am phone calls.
Your weird playlist.

. . .

When the time comes, I pray to God that I won't choked myself to death; or embarrassed myself with tears in my eyes or burst myself to that unfiltered-laugh of mine. I pray to God that I will stand still - with my brain and heart working that shit together to figure everything out.

I might not realized your existence or your feeling; but believe me, I am forcing myself to believe that there is someone out there that would notice and accept me the way I am. But my reality, my ego, my expectation - blurred my sight from believing that you are right in front of me. From time to time, I never stop myself from looking another perspectives to change myself to be a better women. If you are happen to know me before and thought that I am no longer like the person you used to know, it means that I did became better - maybe because of I am now aware what I need and what I want. 

You probably see that I could do everything on my own - "don't worry about her, she's very independent; she is able to finish her job on her own; she is her own man" -  hell, I'm not. I'm just accepting the fact that I have to learn to stand on my feet before I get too attached on you that I couldn't prepare myself to lose you. Before I start a new chapter that might have an ending that I could never live with. Yes, I'm preparing for all those future broken-hearts; being cheated on, complicated decisions, break-up, getting dumped, left-hanging or move-on-phase. So, I need you to steal my time, don't give up on me and we will figure out that incomplete puzzles, together.