August 30, 2017

Time is doing it's job

August is almost coming to an end. Guess what? I am on my internship at the moment and I gotta say I am doing pretty cool thing here. Oh wait, before I talk (mostly brag about it but meh, what else I could write about) about what happened, you probably wondering how my ARP went - well, honestly dear, it was the worst yet the best 2 weeks of my life. I never once committed that amount of time on my research till I realized the submission date is in 10 days and shit, my work was not even half done. 
By the day I had my last exam, I immediately went from zero to fully committed every second of my time writing it - well, barely. However, I was not being smart or wise enough to balance my time. Everything went up side down. I wasn't eating and sleeping properly - sleeping with my eyes wide open and eat anything just to make my stomach full. I was lack of nutrient and I could even felt my brain about to explode and somehow felt my heart beating very weak. I completely gone crazy to finish my research. One night I had this major breakdown - I couldn't write anything on my paper for 20 hours and there's only 3 days to finish it. Well, I had to rush because I am having this camp thingy in Penang which I also look forward to and assume it as a reward for finishing my research writing. Back to breakdown thing; my whole body shuts down and not many ideas were generated for 20 hours. Because of this, I was depressed - unable to think straight, cried so hard and had to call my best friend to calm myself down. It work for few minutes but furgh, everything went crazy again around 4 am. I had to go to my friend's room because I need real human conversation about it. My whole body was shaking till I couldn't face the laptop anymore or listen to the sound of keyboard typing. "I can't finish it", that's how I sum up what I had in mind. I cried in her room for an hour and I was loud. I think I somehow freak them out or maybe not but they save me. Just by letting me in and I was grateful they were available for my whining and tears. If you're happen reading this, I need to let you know that you basically saved my bachelor degree life. 
The crying continued silently for few days. Crying keeps me going and sane. So, every night I will have this spiritual conversation over the research writing; apologizing and admire how amazing Jesus has done for me and persuading myself that I could make it on time. It was quite funny when I think about it now. I literally turn to Jesus. Another thing is my ARP supervisor. She is so cool; she somehow understand that I need this research to be done 2 days before submission. So, she made a fast reply on my 1st draft and immediately agree to proceed to publish it after reading my 2nd draft - Truly am grateful for this! 
I even submitted my thesis like in the most dramatic way. I rent a car for the whole day and the rain decided to pour down heavily. Then, I paid almost two hundred for my hardcover thesis - requested for the fastest service, so yeah. I made into the school office about 5 minutes before they close Yeah, that's about it. It ends. Everything went by in just a blink; from having nasi lemak at 12 am in Pak Ndak cafe while listening to random jokes to crying over paper and journals and to sleeping at your study table. It has already ended and I don't think I will ever put myself in that situation again. 

At least for now - best of luck dear self.

June 07, 2017

Lazy me > ARP

In about 18 hours I will be sitting for my second paper this semester. My second paper means it I am almost reaching 2 out of 3 of my papers! Hooray and yes, I am on my exam period now. Guess what readers? I am reaching the end of my degree life. Not yet but it's almost there. After this semester, I will be having my internship. What year is it now? The time is moving so fast and I am still chilling here pretending not having any works to do. 
I have not updated you all about what I have been going through lately, didn't I? Okay so for your information (which probably have zero matter for your concern but I am telling anyway), I am currently on my final semester. This means I have my final year project, big project and so on. But no, because for my course program, I do not have it. What I am working out is my Academic Research Writing (ARP) which is still friggin 40% progress and need to be submitted before 20 June. As you can see I only have a few days before the deadline and I am so dead right now and I really need work on it and I think I will stop here now because I just realized how fxcked up I am. 

I promise I will write soon. I hope you have a pleasant day ahead. Goodbye for now! 

May 09, 2017

Paper heart

I tried telling you something. I re-arranged my words and stories a lot, like seriously a lot. I waited till the right time. In a moment I thought I could pour it out but I before I do, I already feel rejection on you. It pained me so much not able to opening up to you. It was very simple; I only need someone to talk with. There's so many sadness inside of me that I can just throw them up. Yet, I choose to keep it. This is sick and unworthy. I get more and more fragile each day with this burdened heart and mind. I could only talk to myself and figure things on my own. 

I was fragile then I went hopeless and losing my common sense. But that's when I learn to create my own shelter; my own walls. I learn to create my own strength as people around see me as strong person. Slowly I learn how to cope with every bullshits I faced. But it somehow became too much and you got used to it. Yes, I am so used to it and I forget how broken I was. The walls went thicker and taller than I expected; covered with tired-hopes, time wasted, insecurities, low self-esteems, unreachable-expectations, lost-promises, ignorance and unrequited loves. The walls became even uglier each days. I couldn't even bear to look at it. I hide it very hard and I'm getting good at it. I turned these walls as my strength, my barriers and I'm telling you all the shits covering these walls made me even stronger. 

Do you ever feel that way? All the shits you went through made you even stronger. I hope you do. If you're happen to be in the worst situation, don't ever let yourself in to the problem you or even escape from it. Face it and fix it. The beauty behind those troubles and pains worth more than you ever expect. I have been there and I am still working on it.

February 14, 2017

A war with myself.

Awful thoughts has been keep popping up and interrupting me recently. Its already heavy enough to have a war inside of your head. A war between your mind and your responsibilities, tasks, commitment, staying on track and financial. But somehow it doesn't seem enough with a war on yourself. When the people around you keep giving negative vibes, I seriously can't. Its too much. Just freaking too much. I don't think I could recall when was the last time I slept without having tears on my pillow. Its true. I just want to get it over. Is this some kind of mental illness that bring out only the worst of me? Why is it life seems so out of purpose right now? A part of me is half-alive and I refused to make the other one turn out the same. 

So, please. This condition is not something you could stop by saying "Don't be sad" or "You're just thinking too much". I need nothing but your hand, your helping hand - to hold me and drag me to where I have to be. 

I could not count on anyone but one thing I could count on is I need your help; stop doing whatever destroys me. 

Just stop.

February 09, 2017

Making it right.

I am always grateful for the choices and decisions that I made these pass few years. I always tell myself I am lucky in almost every moment of my life (well, about 30% of it are probably not but at least it taught me great lessons). I believe good things happen when you start to believe them. Why do I feel this way? Because I keep my believes in prayers. I believe having honest conversation with God is relieving, lightening, motivating and beautiful. There's no other 'real talk' other than with Him. Since I start believing in You, Lord, good things always happens to me and it still is. The only favor I could do as a return for you is staying loyal and talk to you as much as I could.

What I am trying to point out here is every person in this earth are blessed when they start thinking they are. This is not some spiritual writing or anything on promoting my faith but it just something that I recently realized - faith and luck. Sometimes I wonder till when will this luck last on me? Then, I realized I am not suppose to question it but suppose to believe it and be grateful about it. Don't ask for more but just be thankful - its already more than enough. Even the tiniest things; the good sleep, a good friend to talk to, the smile my parents made when I told them I pass my Japan lvl 2 (I have no idea why I took the most difficult language but I did not regret it tho), the unexpected discount on stuffs you bought, finding a car park at peak time and so much more.

This short semester break made me realized that I am truly blessed. The people around me are the best people ever. I wasn't referring the companies I had during semester break, but throughout my life. Some may not last long but they were there for many reasons. I love the people who radiates good energy for me. They made me realized what I am capable of and showed me how limitless life is. The friends that you could count on, lighten your days, inspire you, appreciate you, need you, motivate you, bring out the best version of you and keep you close to your faith. 

Start believing all the good things about yourself and life will surprise you. Trust yourself and everything will be provided just as how strong you believe it is.